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Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge

"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less ; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy; while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it...

Today at Spring Hill worship, Andy Huest gave a talk about hope and about longing. It was so applicable it was just scary. My heart feels so empty at times, but then others it makes me feel like the richest man in the whole world. I don't feel content anymore....I hate the status quo, and except for the last two months of school I wasnt following it. My heart was dead, it was killed by the despair that i let shut me out of the world, I let it push me away from those I was closest to. My heart is one of passion, and i am learning how to channel it each any every day. I am trying my best to learn how God is transforming my innermost being. I am learning how to make a difference in my life and to bring healing to those around me. I love the quote that is listed above. I want to enjoy want is here in my life, my friends, family, and new adventures....but that doesnt mean i dont want more. I long for so much more. I long to have my heart continued to be transformed into a new heart that God has inside me. I dont want to take the easy way out, that ends in tears for me and for others....its not that i wanted to put up a front but I had this dark veil covering over all the good things in life...I was settling for mud pies...I took for granted what i had and I was wrong. My relationships, my relationship with God stopped growing. I thought that everything was progressing so well so i just left it up to "fate".

Well there is no such thing as fate!!!! There is nothing but our actions that we take to strive toward God. Sure I was overwhelmed and even the last week of school in a feeling of abandonment....but i became so weak that i had to rely on all that I had. I had to build a foundation in my life so i could even wake up in the morning. This waterfall of pain, and sorrow was suffocating me under the surface as i was gasping for air. My life was falling out of wack with what my heart truly desired. But He pulled me out of it, like being drenched in the waters of baptism I was...I am cold and naked in front of my friends and family. I have been needing nurturing and I have been needed grace....and He has provided it all. My safety is my salvation and my heart dissolved away till barely anything was left but the core of me....any two facedness, any playing politics, and any veil is gone. The only thing left is that little ember I had always had.

But that ember burns my soul with a longing I have never experienced before. Its not a burning for now and then whatever isnt satisfied by that is what i look toward heaven for. For the first time in my life I not only feel my heart but i understand why i am feeling it. I can see right through me, and i would be surprised if those around me didnt see the same thing. I am no longer a man of lukewarmness. It is only hot and cold....there is no grey....not testing boundaries, i did that too long and played with the literal sanctity of God's plan and purpose for my life. It is a little ember that burns with the passion to serve God and to look toward heaven for my satisfaction. I am looking toward Christ for my safety. And as if looking into a mirror my passions convict my spirit toward that of what i dont have. Not in a covetous way, but in a way of appreciation and a prayer for a full life. That there is this piece missing in my life, dont get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful for where I am and what God is teaching me and bringing me to now.....but it is also a preparation for the future. It is a hope that it is a second chance, a preparation for bigger and better things when i am firmly rooted in Christ. When I have been fully emptied out myself for really only the second time in my whole life and yet in a completely different way.

I know what i means to be empty....I have been to that edge, I cried out to my Father in Heaven to ask Him to take it all away. I dont deserve Him. I dont deserve his grace and I sure dont deserve a second chance at His love or to experience His love in a way that I would be held accountable for so much more. And I know that in this instant I am not ready for that. God is preparing me for something, possibly a life that my life's work will be that of the image of the poorest King, Jesus. A man that gave so much and yet for His entire life did not have the physical possessions of even the lowest of noblemen. I want to live a life of poverty of physical pleasures but a life full of spiritual riches. I want a life that I can show this new passion to old friends, that those I had hurt, or ignored, or showed a false face to (on purpose or otherwise) in middle school, high school, and especially in college; my friends would notice a renaissance in my spirit.

I burn inwardly for what i can not express outwardly. Not because it untruthful...for my heart has no filter anymore, but this time of patience, and growth, and building upon things those things of old that survived the fire of our Lord, and then all things must be revealed. I have no credibility that I am trustworthy or that next time would be different. I have no foundation with this new self with my friends. I have already seen the joys and the pain from some of my friendships that were built on rocks and sand respectively. To some of my friends it will be a one way relationship, to some it will be reciprocal, and to some it can be so much more. An investment in each other to see what God can truly do when brothers or sisters trust God to lead. I loved it when i was down in PCB and sharing the gospel just as much as when i was @ spring hill and sharing the gospel. It takes a special person to do either, and to see my spiritual family banding together to make a difference like that was just amazing. Life is so tough and no one can go through it alone. It IS lonely living alone (by definition), and I am so thankful that I have brothers and sisters to be there with me.

I am so tried right now, its not that late but it has been a long day. I feel like I am babbling. I had an entire revelation about myself in the car that i wanted to write but i wanted to use prudence too. Sometimes i fear that if i dont record what is happening here and now it will be lost or lose the emphasis that i meant, but all things come at the right time.