"They prayed & wrestled & sought for Him day & night, in season & out, & when they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking"
The Heat of Our Desire
Psalm 42
As the Deer Lyrics
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Grunt
Recently (the last month or so and definitely over the past week), I have been challenged to step up, to give it my all, and to be a God fearing man like those of my brothers David, Joshua, Timothy, and Paul of the past. I dont want to settle and at the same time I dont want to just grow a little bit personally, in my relationships, and in my service to God. So I got to thinking, what does it take to be God's man? (and to be completely honest, I was listening to a country station and the song "What It Takes" by Adam Gregory came on and I said to myself, how many times do i actually ask God this?...dont get me wrong, I need plenty of help/time to ask this question within the same reference of the song, but if I am truly asking God this....wont I get the answer to that question too?) So here is the start of some of the things I have identified that I need to actively work on....with God, with others, and even just learning by observing those who God has placed in my life!
>I need to be a role model, even when its tough (1 Peter 2:12 "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."): I want to be a man worthy of respect. Not that I am seeking the praise of men, but that other men and women can look at my life and want what I have. I want to make it such that my friends, my family, whomever I interact with can be proud and feel a sense of completeness when i am around. I want those in my life to be excited when i am around and i want to get to know others in my life or those not in my life in such a way that they are first and foremost getting to know Christ in me, that this is the most attractive part of me.
>I need to challenge others around me based on what I see them going through or what i have personally grown through (Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."): I want to be able to remind other people about what they are good at, what I appreciate about them, and even just reminding them to do and take advantage of those things that God has gifted them with in their lives. I want to be able to look into the lives of my friends and family that God has put in my life and see where i can personally challenge them to go further. And if i cant see into that specific person's life or i feel like they arent showing me/dont want me to....too bad because i have found and learned that getting rejected or feeling abandoned is worth the price of getting to know that one person that much better.
>I desire to try new things and explore new areas in my own life and in those who God has placed in my life...and I need to foster this experience daily (Psalm 139:8 "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there."): I have realized that i dont get bored easily. That some of the best parts/times in my life are just enjoying the here and now and that i dont need to be looking forward to what the next big thing is or what exciting thing might be planned. Because i know that if i am focusing in on God in my life, if I am trusting God with all my relationships and if i am helping others do the same, then i am truly living the most exciting life that God has planned for me. Now that being said, i really like, no love; the State of Michigan. I do miss my family being down here with very few people I know and I do miss my friends as well. But at the same time, I am embracing what this experience could open up for me next. I had originally hoped (back in December '08) that I would work for a little while and take a job overseas, quit and become a missionary wherever that might have been with my wife. Or maybe quit and become a youth pastor. Or quit and become a supply chain professional for a non-profit. Who knows. Similar to the fact that I long to challenge others, i kept these feelings, these dreams bottled up inside because i felt like no one wanted to hear them, i felt like it wasnt the right time, or that I personally was too scared that by saying it outloud, it might actually lead me to mockery by those around me.
>Be bold and take risks - at work, with my new friends, with my older/closer friends, and whenever i get the chance (Acts 4:31 "After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly."): While I have been fairly successful at this due to the spiritual gifts that God has granted me, I still need to be vigilant when it comes to reaching and stretching to my full potential. Yes, if God made it clear to me through my heart, through a friend, through His Word, or through circumstances; I would drop all that I am doing and move wherever to become a missionary. But at the same time, where my mission field is today is equally, if not more important. Like the parable of the talents, I need to be responsible with what God has given me today and not frivolously spend it away or hide it away for no one to see. When it comes to knowing that my boss is here over the weekend with no one else, I should invite him to church. When it comes to the friend that I have had for what seems like forever that has no one to share the gospel with him, I will share will him even if it means rejection. And similarly, the responsibilities that God may, or may not give me with a woman to pursue and eventually marry in the future, my responsibility to lead the relationship in a Christ-centered fashion will be my number one priority. And with that, the joys, the excitement, and yes....the struggles of making sure that each individual is seeking God to their fullest....is where continual boldness, prayer, and strength will need to come from me at the same time as being encouraged by the two.
>I need to know my priorities (Nehemiah 8:8 "They read from the Book of the Law of God, making it clear and giving the meaning so that the people could understand what was being read."): It is important that I not only know what is most important in my life (God, Family....including what will be my family/inlaw family one day, Friends / bros&sisters in Christ, those I dont know....and the rest just isnt on the radar). If my God, my family, my friends called for me to leave my job, I would leave it in a second. If my joy or my time was being taken up by something that was nothing then I would hope those in my life would see it before it was too late and correct it. Because truly, my life, my real priorities and passions are those laid out within His law to the extent that I am but a young man trying to learn it daily.
>I need to speak truth in love and even love in love (Romans 1:12 "that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith."): I want to recognize those around me for who they are in Christ. And I want to praise those good things that God has brought into their lives that I am able to see, because even if i am not a part of it, to be able to even see God moving is encouragement enough as I know that it is God moving boldly in the lives of His people then. Within that same breath, I long to share with those I care about deeply, why I do in fact care about them or even love them. I desire to leave nothing to guessing and I want to give each of my breaths for each of my days to acknowledge how important that person is in my life and how much more i look forward to getting to know them....even amongst members of my own family.
>I want so badly to save others - those I love, and the widows and orphans of the world (1 Samuel 20:4 "Jonathan said to David, "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do for you." & James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."): If it means putting my own life at risk, if means giving up those temporary worldly things that I seek to give up anyway, if it means swimming again the current of the world to live under God's waterfall of love...so be it! I long to do what is contrary to the world. It is a struggle for me to see and hear of other Christians here where i live or others that i know from other places that do not give their "tithe" of their time, money, or talents to God for all of the blessings that He has given them. It is especially discouraging to me in knowing that i am even put down for giving myself to God as a spiritual sacrifice to Him.
>I want to get down (not meaning on the dance floor), but literally on my knees daily (Daniel 6:10 "Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before."): Prayer is my recognizing that God is bigger than myself and He controls my destiny and and not me. In the same way, I need to get down on my knees and physically represent what my soul is seeking. For as I act out with my own body, so too does my heart and my soul "buy-in" to the goodness and glory of God's plan for my life! That my life and all my actions might be a physical representation of worship for my Lord.
>I want to do what it takes to train myself to be a man of integrity (1 Corinthians 3:2 "I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready."): I have so many vices that I need help with, that i need to work on, that i need to daily lay down and Christ's feet and that i need those in my life to hold me accountable to. I need to daily as all men do, recognize that God's plan for physical purity in or out of a relationship (but in particularly within). Equally so, I need to give myself up to God in my taming of my tongue (James 3:1-12) when it comes to speaking the truth and when it comes to speaking grace/love in truth. In one sense I have been blessed with a great gift of linguistics to benefit those around me in how i can describe things exactly as i see them. Unfortunately more often than not I do not make it enough of a priority to discipline myself in speech such that I only say what is true or what i am seeking God's promises to be true in the future. More often than not I am speaking of things in a way i wish they were with regards to a mistake or i am speaking to things in a way that I hope they turn out instead of seeking the help of those around me throughout the process. And lastly (although not lastly but for now), I need to continue to seek God's grace in the social/party scene that comes with college and post college social groups. That when it comes to socializing, I am to be acting like Christ's representative and that this really isnt my home. So often I forget about that and it does blow my mind sometimes...that I am to be helping to improve this world even though it will all fade away....
So in these tough situations, in these times that I am called to be a man, in these times that I called to be in the world and not of the world. John 15:19
>I need to be a role model, even when its tough (1 Peter 2:12 "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."): I want to be a man worthy of respect. Not that I am seeking the praise of men, but that other men and women can look at my life and want what I have. I want to make it such that my friends, my family, whomever I interact with can be proud and feel a sense of completeness when i am around. I want those in my life to be excited when i am around and i want to get to know others in my life or those not in my life in such a way that they are first and foremost getting to know Christ in me, that this is the most attractive part of me.
>I need to challenge others around me based on what I see them going through or what i have personally grown through (Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."): I want to be able to remind other people about what they are good at, what I appreciate about them, and even just reminding them to do and take advantage of those things that God has gifted them with in their lives. I want to be able to look into the lives of my friends and family that God has put in my life and see where i can personally challenge them to go further. And if i cant see into that specific person's life or i feel like they arent showing me/dont want me to....too bad because i have found and learned that getting rejected or feeling abandoned is worth the price of getting to know that one person that much better.
>I desire to try new things and explore new areas in my own life and in those who God has placed in my life...and I need to foster this experience daily (Psalm 139:8 "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there."): I have realized that i dont get bored easily. That some of the best parts/times in my life are just enjoying the here and now and that i dont need to be looking forward to what the next big thing is or what exciting thing might be planned. Because i know that if i am focusing in on God in my life, if I am trusting God with all my relationships and if i am helping others do the same, then i am truly living the most exciting life that God has planned for me. Now that being said, i really like, no love; the State of Michigan. I do miss my family being down here with very few people I know and I do miss my friends as well. But at the same time, I am embracing what this experience could open up for me next. I had originally hoped (back in December '08) that I would work for a little while and take a job overseas, quit and become a missionary wherever that might have been with my wife. Or maybe quit and become a youth pastor. Or quit and become a supply chain professional for a non-profit. Who knows. Similar to the fact that I long to challenge others, i kept these feelings, these dreams bottled up inside because i felt like no one wanted to hear them, i felt like it wasnt the right time, or that I personally was too scared that by saying it outloud, it might actually lead me to mockery by those around me.
>Be bold and take risks - at work, with my new friends, with my older/closer friends, and whenever i get the chance (Acts 4:31 "After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly."): While I have been fairly successful at this due to the spiritual gifts that God has granted me, I still need to be vigilant when it comes to reaching and stretching to my full potential. Yes, if God made it clear to me through my heart, through a friend, through His Word, or through circumstances; I would drop all that I am doing and move wherever to become a missionary. But at the same time, where my mission field is today is equally, if not more important. Like the parable of the talents, I need to be responsible with what God has given me today and not frivolously spend it away or hide it away for no one to see. When it comes to knowing that my boss is here over the weekend with no one else, I should invite him to church. When it comes to the friend that I have had for what seems like forever that has no one to share the gospel with him, I will share will him even if it means rejection. And similarly, the responsibilities that God may, or may not give me with a woman to pursue and eventually marry in the future, my responsibility to lead the relationship in a Christ-centered fashion will be my number one priority. And with that, the joys, the excitement, and yes....the struggles of making sure that each individual is seeking God to their fullest....is where continual boldness, prayer, and strength will need to come from me at the same time as being encouraged by the two.
>I need to know my priorities (Nehemiah 8:8 "They read from the Book of the Law of God, making it clear and giving the meaning so that the people could understand what was being read."): It is important that I not only know what is most important in my life (God, Family....including what will be my family/inlaw family one day, Friends / bros&sisters in Christ, those I dont know....and the rest just isnt on the radar). If my God, my family, my friends called for me to leave my job, I would leave it in a second. If my joy or my time was being taken up by something that was nothing then I would hope those in my life would see it before it was too late and correct it. Because truly, my life, my real priorities and passions are those laid out within His law to the extent that I am but a young man trying to learn it daily.
>I need to speak truth in love and even love in love (Romans 1:12 "that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith."): I want to recognize those around me for who they are in Christ. And I want to praise those good things that God has brought into their lives that I am able to see, because even if i am not a part of it, to be able to even see God moving is encouragement enough as I know that it is God moving boldly in the lives of His people then. Within that same breath, I long to share with those I care about deeply, why I do in fact care about them or even love them. I desire to leave nothing to guessing and I want to give each of my breaths for each of my days to acknowledge how important that person is in my life and how much more i look forward to getting to know them....even amongst members of my own family.
>I want so badly to save others - those I love, and the widows and orphans of the world (1 Samuel 20:4 "Jonathan said to David, "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do for you." & James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."): If it means putting my own life at risk, if means giving up those temporary worldly things that I seek to give up anyway, if it means swimming again the current of the world to live under God's waterfall of love...so be it! I long to do what is contrary to the world. It is a struggle for me to see and hear of other Christians here where i live or others that i know from other places that do not give their "tithe" of their time, money, or talents to God for all of the blessings that He has given them. It is especially discouraging to me in knowing that i am even put down for giving myself to God as a spiritual sacrifice to Him.
>I want to get down (not meaning on the dance floor), but literally on my knees daily (Daniel 6:10 "Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before."): Prayer is my recognizing that God is bigger than myself and He controls my destiny and and not me. In the same way, I need to get down on my knees and physically represent what my soul is seeking. For as I act out with my own body, so too does my heart and my soul "buy-in" to the goodness and glory of God's plan for my life! That my life and all my actions might be a physical representation of worship for my Lord.
>I want to do what it takes to train myself to be a man of integrity (1 Corinthians 3:2 "I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready."): I have so many vices that I need help with, that i need to work on, that i need to daily lay down and Christ's feet and that i need those in my life to hold me accountable to. I need to daily as all men do, recognize that God's plan for physical purity in or out of a relationship (but in particularly within). Equally so, I need to give myself up to God in my taming of my tongue (James 3:1-12) when it comes to speaking the truth and when it comes to speaking grace/love in truth. In one sense I have been blessed with a great gift of linguistics to benefit those around me in how i can describe things exactly as i see them. Unfortunately more often than not I do not make it enough of a priority to discipline myself in speech such that I only say what is true or what i am seeking God's promises to be true in the future. More often than not I am speaking of things in a way i wish they were with regards to a mistake or i am speaking to things in a way that I hope they turn out instead of seeking the help of those around me throughout the process. And lastly (although not lastly but for now), I need to continue to seek God's grace in the social/party scene that comes with college and post college social groups. That when it comes to socializing, I am to be acting like Christ's representative and that this really isnt my home. So often I forget about that and it does blow my mind sometimes...that I am to be helping to improve this world even though it will all fade away....
So in these tough situations, in these times that I am called to be a man, in these times that I called to be in the world and not of the world. John 15:19
Friday, September 11, 2009
Meaningless
There are tough realizations everywhere you, everywhere I look. Why is it that those who have everything seem to still want more? Why is it that the simplest life in remote areas of Guatemala or Ethiopia are the most fulfilled and yet by our standards so poor? I look at this immense amount of pain and meaninglessness that surrounds my life that I long to reach out to it and help those around me but I dont want to be sucked in. I thought a while ago that I was strong enough all by my own and make a difference with just me. But I need God. I need others. I need prayer and humility. Being just one small part of what God wants to do in the world might seem insignificant but to those who really matter in life its so much more. Its not about isolation into the problem but inclusion of those with a problem. I long to passionately come alongside those in need in my city or even county or state and meet them where they are and just befriend them. And excitedly wait for God to work.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Get Up & Win the Race
Quit! Give up! You're beaten! They shout out and plead. There's just too much against you now. This time you can't succeed! And as I start to hang my head, in front of failure's face, my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race. And hope refills my weakened will as I recall that scene; for just the thought of that short race rejuvenates my being. A children's race- young boys, young men; how I remember well. Excitement, sure, but also fear; it wasn't hard to tell. They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race. Or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place. And fathers watched from off the side each cheering for his son. And each boy hoped to show his dad that he would be the one. The whistle blew and off the went! Young hearts and hopes afire. To win, to be the hero there was each young boy's desire. And one boy in particular whose dad was in the crowd, was running near the lead and thought, my dad will be so proud. But as he speeded down the field across a shallow dip, the little boy who thought to win lost his step and slipped. Trying hard to catch himself his hands flew out to brace, and mid the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face. So down he fell and with him hope he couldn't win it now- embarrassed, sad, he only wished to disappear somehow. But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face, which to the boy so clearly said: get up and win the race! He quickly rose, no damage done behind a bit, that’s all- and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall. So anxious to restore himself to catch up and to win his mind went faster than his legs; he slipped and fell again! He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace. I'm hopeless as a runner now; I shouldn't try to race. But in the laughing crowd he searched and found his father's face. That steady look which said again: get up and win the race! So he jumped up to try again. Ten yards behind the last- If I'm to gain those yards, he thought, I've got to move real fast. Exerting everything he had, he gained eight or ten, but trying so hard to catch the lead he slipped and fell again! Defeat! He lay there silently a tear dropped from his eye- there's no sense running anymore: three strikes I'm out, why try? The will to rise had disappeared all hope had fled away; so far behind, so error-prone: a loser all the way. I've lost, so what's the use, he though. I'll live with my disgrace. But then he thought about his dad who soon he'd have to face. Get up, an echo sounded low. Get up and take your place. You were not meant for failure here. Get up and win the race. With borrowed will, get up, it said you haven't lost at all, for winning is not more than this: to rise each time you fall. So up he rose to win once more, and with a new commit he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn't quit. So far behind the other now. The most he'd ever been- still he gave it all he had and ran as though to win. Three times he'd fallen stumbling: three times he'd rose again. Too far behind to hope to win he still ran to the end. They cheered the winning runner as he crossed first place, head high and proud and happy; no falling, no disgrace. But when the fallen youngster crossed the line, last place, the crowd gave him the greater cheer for finishing the race. And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud, you would have thought he won the race to listen to the crowd. And to his dad he sadly said, I didn’t do so well. To me you won, his father said. You rose each time you fell. And when things seem dark and hard and difficult to face, the memory of that little boy helps me in my race. For all of life is like that race. With ups and downs and all. And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall. Quit! Give up, you're beaten! They still shout in my face, but another voice within me says: GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!
-Author Unknown
I was looking for this poem in February but I couldnt find it till now. I dont know why I just found it but it is probably one of the most inspiring poems I have ever read. It was originally shared with me three years back by my co-counselor at Spring Hill and just now have I discovered it for the second time. It would have been cool to have been able to share it with my counselors when I was an AD, or with my friend when they were worried about losing "that fire" on the way back from a missions trip. But it is so awesome that I have found it. Sure, everything happens for a reason but i dont know if I actually lived that way up until this summer. In other words, I want everything I do to bring glory to God and if everything happens for a reason than I want everything that are my "happenings" to be encouraging to those I love and care about. Friends, family, and really anyone I interact with. It is a really weird feeling I get when i wake up at 6am to go for a jog and end up praying for people I that i dont even know if i will interact with. Just that everything i do that day would bring God glory. It is a really, really, really humbling feeling to know that not only can I make a difference but God calls/challenges me to everyday. That even those bad days that I sometimes have there is no strike three. HE DOESNT GIVE UP ON ME. He sees me at my worst, he seems me during those times of depression, even those times when i am all alone and abandoned for months at a time....but He doesnt leave me. He is still cheering me on from the sidelines and even at times it feels like He is even moving my feet, one in front of the other, when i just dont have the strength to move them myself. That strength He provides, that rest that turns to joy is so unbelievably awesome and so unbelievably amazing. It is pure joy to be in my Father's presence and I even dance and sing/speak poetry from my heart because He has enabled me. This fire that burns inside me and calls out to those around me. I want to share with everyone this joy i have. I want to high five and hug and dance with my friends in front of the Lord. I want to finally be the man that I thought should have been caged up for so long because it wasnt a "worldly masculinity". And even though for a few short times, the fiery flash that is the Spirit inside me did come out, it couldve been so much more. And now my goal is to be a man worthy of respect. To my friends, to family, and eventually to my family that i will start one day. No holding back. No censorship. I want to be more authentic than anyone has ever been before, wear my heart on my sleeve, and to be called a man of honor because of the honor and respect I show for my Lord, the LORD. And then, out of my faith will pour good works, and my joy will be the sight of His face.
Romans 2:5-11
Psalm 22 (especially v. 19-31)
-Author Unknown
I was looking for this poem in February but I couldnt find it till now. I dont know why I just found it but it is probably one of the most inspiring poems I have ever read. It was originally shared with me three years back by my co-counselor at Spring Hill and just now have I discovered it for the second time. It would have been cool to have been able to share it with my counselors when I was an AD, or with my friend when they were worried about losing "that fire" on the way back from a missions trip. But it is so awesome that I have found it. Sure, everything happens for a reason but i dont know if I actually lived that way up until this summer. In other words, I want everything I do to bring glory to God and if everything happens for a reason than I want everything that are my "happenings" to be encouraging to those I love and care about. Friends, family, and really anyone I interact with. It is a really weird feeling I get when i wake up at 6am to go for a jog and end up praying for people I that i dont even know if i will interact with. Just that everything i do that day would bring God glory. It is a really, really, really humbling feeling to know that not only can I make a difference but God calls/challenges me to everyday. That even those bad days that I sometimes have there is no strike three. HE DOESNT GIVE UP ON ME. He sees me at my worst, he seems me during those times of depression, even those times when i am all alone and abandoned for months at a time....but He doesnt leave me. He is still cheering me on from the sidelines and even at times it feels like He is even moving my feet, one in front of the other, when i just dont have the strength to move them myself. That strength He provides, that rest that turns to joy is so unbelievably awesome and so unbelievably amazing. It is pure joy to be in my Father's presence and I even dance and sing/speak poetry from my heart because He has enabled me. This fire that burns inside me and calls out to those around me. I want to share with everyone this joy i have. I want to high five and hug and dance with my friends in front of the Lord. I want to finally be the man that I thought should have been caged up for so long because it wasnt a "worldly masculinity". And even though for a few short times, the fiery flash that is the Spirit inside me did come out, it couldve been so much more. And now my goal is to be a man worthy of respect. To my friends, to family, and eventually to my family that i will start one day. No holding back. No censorship. I want to be more authentic than anyone has ever been before, wear my heart on my sleeve, and to be called a man of honor because of the honor and respect I show for my Lord, the LORD. And then, out of my faith will pour good works, and my joy will be the sight of His face.
Romans 2:5-11
Psalm 22 (especially v. 19-31)
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
My #3 and #4 "attempts" to get into poetry
a hope – by JR
For all that surrounds me is full of light,
And this darkness I saw has taken flight,
My passionate heart is ready to fight,
For the good that is God to do what’s right.
The life flows mighty like the angels’ throng,
And it is within God’s will to my heart belong,
His Spirit has put within me a joyous song,
Because of Christ’s blood I do belong.
All day and night t’was me He did chase,
Though I ran so far I could not keep pace,
But now His strength is shown through grace,
As I lie safely here in His warm embrace.
No longer free to chase the world’s coin,
Not leaving to wander, head out, be goin’,
Now to His lone purpose I have adjoin,
Even still as it feels a punch in the groin.
Those loving arms ‘round me do hug,
Tis true His blessings o’er fill my jug,
To sit idly by as if a mere slug,
Would be to dismiss grace with a simply shrug.
I felt the stinging pain of being alone,
To be on my own; with no one to phone,
Still through my loss was He still shown,
Then carry me through my rock; my stone.
From my selfish desires I am called to flee,
All of them I now nail to that hor’ble tree,
Calling out my one desire and plea,
That one day in heaven he remember me.
It is only my Savior that does me entice,
He makes my heart scramble; its not precise,
Paying it once for all He endured the price,
So one day I would be with Him in paradise.
Prayers offered to break down ev’ry wall,
One day before Jesus all peoples will fall,
The whole earth will then been enthrall,
At the banquet of the Lamb in His great hall.
08/03/09 10:15pm
a place in me awaiting – by JR
The mountains bow to your notorious,
And immense peace give rest to laborious,
Through your strength I’m made victorious,
Still praising your lone name glorious.
I come down to refresh by your river,
His Spirit flows down the valley to deliver,
Still the intensity continues to form a quiver,
But all things lovely come from the giver.
Oft times my anger turns to aggression,
Simply longing for my unique expression,
Hoping tobe faithful; to avoid secession,
From my old ways recoil the regression.
To watch and sit idly by the edge lake,
Not to jump in as the thought of risk does quake,
My innermost parts for my prides own sake,
Not knowing what truly could be at stake.
But something stirs me deep inside as it calls,
Breaking down each; ev’ry of my heart walls,
Such beauty that makes me want to grow balls,
And be drenched under mercy’s waterfalls.
The peril is worth it though it shalt be bloody,
Yet through a day’s training I haft been made ruddy,
Glanced toward ev’ry verse; each line I study,
So no regrets might mock me as duddy.
Bearing across weeds, muck, and field,
Knowing to no one but God shall I yield,
Gripping tightly my sword; my helmet; my shield,
Once ‘gain my soul he hath healed.
A new man daily in me doth be making,
Although it is my heart He is shaking,
Laying down my pride, my wills they are breaking,
Knowing all my desire is His for the taking.
Till all that remains is a whisper, not loud,
Not a single voice calling out from a crowd,
Just me a poor boy; longing freedom and vowed,
Till He might come again majestic upon a cloud.
08/04/09 – 8:21pm
For all that surrounds me is full of light,
And this darkness I saw has taken flight,
My passionate heart is ready to fight,
For the good that is God to do what’s right.
The life flows mighty like the angels’ throng,
And it is within God’s will to my heart belong,
His Spirit has put within me a joyous song,
Because of Christ’s blood I do belong.
All day and night t’was me He did chase,
Though I ran so far I could not keep pace,
But now His strength is shown through grace,
As I lie safely here in His warm embrace.
No longer free to chase the world’s coin,
Not leaving to wander, head out, be goin’,
Now to His lone purpose I have adjoin,
Even still as it feels a punch in the groin.
Those loving arms ‘round me do hug,
Tis true His blessings o’er fill my jug,
To sit idly by as if a mere slug,
Would be to dismiss grace with a simply shrug.
I felt the stinging pain of being alone,
To be on my own; with no one to phone,
Still through my loss was He still shown,
Then carry me through my rock; my stone.
From my selfish desires I am called to flee,
All of them I now nail to that hor’ble tree,
Calling out my one desire and plea,
That one day in heaven he remember me.
It is only my Savior that does me entice,
He makes my heart scramble; its not precise,
Paying it once for all He endured the price,
So one day I would be with Him in paradise.
Prayers offered to break down ev’ry wall,
One day before Jesus all peoples will fall,
The whole earth will then been enthrall,
At the banquet of the Lamb in His great hall.
08/03/09 10:15pm
a place in me awaiting – by JR
The mountains bow to your notorious,
And immense peace give rest to laborious,
Through your strength I’m made victorious,
Still praising your lone name glorious.
I come down to refresh by your river,
His Spirit flows down the valley to deliver,
Still the intensity continues to form a quiver,
But all things lovely come from the giver.
Oft times my anger turns to aggression,
Simply longing for my unique expression,
Hoping tobe faithful; to avoid secession,
From my old ways recoil the regression.
To watch and sit idly by the edge lake,
Not to jump in as the thought of risk does quake,
My innermost parts for my prides own sake,
Not knowing what truly could be at stake.
But something stirs me deep inside as it calls,
Breaking down each; ev’ry of my heart walls,
Such beauty that makes me want to grow balls,
And be drenched under mercy’s waterfalls.
The peril is worth it though it shalt be bloody,
Yet through a day’s training I haft been made ruddy,
Glanced toward ev’ry verse; each line I study,
So no regrets might mock me as duddy.
Bearing across weeds, muck, and field,
Knowing to no one but God shall I yield,
Gripping tightly my sword; my helmet; my shield,
Once ‘gain my soul he hath healed.
A new man daily in me doth be making,
Although it is my heart He is shaking,
Laying down my pride, my wills they are breaking,
Knowing all my desire is His for the taking.
Till all that remains is a whisper, not loud,
Not a single voice calling out from a crowd,
Just me a poor boy; longing freedom and vowed,
Till He might come again majestic upon a cloud.
08/04/09 – 8:21pm
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Home Yet?
Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge
"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less ; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy; while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it...
Today at Spring Hill worship, Andy Huest gave a talk about hope and about longing. It was so applicable it was just scary. My heart feels so empty at times, but then others it makes me feel like the richest man in the whole world. I don't feel content anymore....I hate the status quo, and except for the last two months of school I wasnt following it. My heart was dead, it was killed by the despair that i let shut me out of the world, I let it push me away from those I was closest to. My heart is one of passion, and i am learning how to channel it each any every day. I am trying my best to learn how God is transforming my innermost being. I am learning how to make a difference in my life and to bring healing to those around me. I love the quote that is listed above. I want to enjoy want is here in my life, my friends, family, and new adventures....but that doesnt mean i dont want more. I long for so much more. I long to have my heart continued to be transformed into a new heart that God has inside me. I dont want to take the easy way out, that ends in tears for me and for others....its not that i wanted to put up a front but I had this dark veil covering over all the good things in life...I was settling for mud pies...I took for granted what i had and I was wrong. My relationships, my relationship with God stopped growing. I thought that everything was progressing so well so i just left it up to "fate".
Well there is no such thing as fate!!!! There is nothing but our actions that we take to strive toward God. Sure I was overwhelmed and even the last week of school in a feeling of abandonment....but i became so weak that i had to rely on all that I had. I had to build a foundation in my life so i could even wake up in the morning. This waterfall of pain, and sorrow was suffocating me under the surface as i was gasping for air. My life was falling out of wack with what my heart truly desired. But He pulled me out of it, like being drenched in the waters of baptism I was...I am cold and naked in front of my friends and family. I have been needing nurturing and I have been needed grace....and He has provided it all. My safety is my salvation and my heart dissolved away till barely anything was left but the core of me....any two facedness, any playing politics, and any veil is gone. The only thing left is that little ember I had always had.
But that ember burns my soul with a longing I have never experienced before. Its not a burning for now and then whatever isnt satisfied by that is what i look toward heaven for. For the first time in my life I not only feel my heart but i understand why i am feeling it. I can see right through me, and i would be surprised if those around me didnt see the same thing. I am no longer a man of lukewarmness. It is only hot and cold....there is no grey....not testing boundaries, i did that too long and played with the literal sanctity of God's plan and purpose for my life. It is a little ember that burns with the passion to serve God and to look toward heaven for my satisfaction. I am looking toward Christ for my safety. And as if looking into a mirror my passions convict my spirit toward that of what i dont have. Not in a covetous way, but in a way of appreciation and a prayer for a full life. That there is this piece missing in my life, dont get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful for where I am and what God is teaching me and bringing me to now.....but it is also a preparation for the future. It is a hope that it is a second chance, a preparation for bigger and better things when i am firmly rooted in Christ. When I have been fully emptied out myself for really only the second time in my whole life and yet in a completely different way.
I know what i means to be empty....I have been to that edge, I cried out to my Father in Heaven to ask Him to take it all away. I dont deserve Him. I dont deserve his grace and I sure dont deserve a second chance at His love or to experience His love in a way that I would be held accountable for so much more. And I know that in this instant I am not ready for that. God is preparing me for something, possibly a life that my life's work will be that of the image of the poorest King, Jesus. A man that gave so much and yet for His entire life did not have the physical possessions of even the lowest of noblemen. I want to live a life of poverty of physical pleasures but a life full of spiritual riches. I want a life that I can show this new passion to old friends, that those I had hurt, or ignored, or showed a false face to (on purpose or otherwise) in middle school, high school, and especially in college; my friends would notice a renaissance in my spirit.
I burn inwardly for what i can not express outwardly. Not because it untruthful...for my heart has no filter anymore, but this time of patience, and growth, and building upon things those things of old that survived the fire of our Lord, and then all things must be revealed. I have no credibility that I am trustworthy or that next time would be different. I have no foundation with this new self with my friends. I have already seen the joys and the pain from some of my friendships that were built on rocks and sand respectively. To some of my friends it will be a one way relationship, to some it will be reciprocal, and to some it can be so much more. An investment in each other to see what God can truly do when brothers or sisters trust God to lead. I loved it when i was down in PCB and sharing the gospel just as much as when i was @ spring hill and sharing the gospel. It takes a special person to do either, and to see my spiritual family banding together to make a difference like that was just amazing. Life is so tough and no one can go through it alone. It IS lonely living alone (by definition), and I am so thankful that I have brothers and sisters to be there with me.
I am so tried right now, its not that late but it has been a long day. I feel like I am babbling. I had an entire revelation about myself in the car that i wanted to write but i wanted to use prudence too. Sometimes i fear that if i dont record what is happening here and now it will be lost or lose the emphasis that i meant, but all things come at the right time.
"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less ; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy; while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it...
Today at Spring Hill worship, Andy Huest gave a talk about hope and about longing. It was so applicable it was just scary. My heart feels so empty at times, but then others it makes me feel like the richest man in the whole world. I don't feel content anymore....I hate the status quo, and except for the last two months of school I wasnt following it. My heart was dead, it was killed by the despair that i let shut me out of the world, I let it push me away from those I was closest to. My heart is one of passion, and i am learning how to channel it each any every day. I am trying my best to learn how God is transforming my innermost being. I am learning how to make a difference in my life and to bring healing to those around me. I love the quote that is listed above. I want to enjoy want is here in my life, my friends, family, and new adventures....but that doesnt mean i dont want more. I long for so much more. I long to have my heart continued to be transformed into a new heart that God has inside me. I dont want to take the easy way out, that ends in tears for me and for others....its not that i wanted to put up a front but I had this dark veil covering over all the good things in life...I was settling for mud pies...I took for granted what i had and I was wrong. My relationships, my relationship with God stopped growing. I thought that everything was progressing so well so i just left it up to "fate".
Well there is no such thing as fate!!!! There is nothing but our actions that we take to strive toward God. Sure I was overwhelmed and even the last week of school in a feeling of abandonment....but i became so weak that i had to rely on all that I had. I had to build a foundation in my life so i could even wake up in the morning. This waterfall of pain, and sorrow was suffocating me under the surface as i was gasping for air. My life was falling out of wack with what my heart truly desired. But He pulled me out of it, like being drenched in the waters of baptism I was...I am cold and naked in front of my friends and family. I have been needing nurturing and I have been needed grace....and He has provided it all. My safety is my salvation and my heart dissolved away till barely anything was left but the core of me....any two facedness, any playing politics, and any veil is gone. The only thing left is that little ember I had always had.
But that ember burns my soul with a longing I have never experienced before. Its not a burning for now and then whatever isnt satisfied by that is what i look toward heaven for. For the first time in my life I not only feel my heart but i understand why i am feeling it. I can see right through me, and i would be surprised if those around me didnt see the same thing. I am no longer a man of lukewarmness. It is only hot and cold....there is no grey....not testing boundaries, i did that too long and played with the literal sanctity of God's plan and purpose for my life. It is a little ember that burns with the passion to serve God and to look toward heaven for my satisfaction. I am looking toward Christ for my safety. And as if looking into a mirror my passions convict my spirit toward that of what i dont have. Not in a covetous way, but in a way of appreciation and a prayer for a full life. That there is this piece missing in my life, dont get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful for where I am and what God is teaching me and bringing me to now.....but it is also a preparation for the future. It is a hope that it is a second chance, a preparation for bigger and better things when i am firmly rooted in Christ. When I have been fully emptied out myself for really only the second time in my whole life and yet in a completely different way.
I know what i means to be empty....I have been to that edge, I cried out to my Father in Heaven to ask Him to take it all away. I dont deserve Him. I dont deserve his grace and I sure dont deserve a second chance at His love or to experience His love in a way that I would be held accountable for so much more. And I know that in this instant I am not ready for that. God is preparing me for something, possibly a life that my life's work will be that of the image of the poorest King, Jesus. A man that gave so much and yet for His entire life did not have the physical possessions of even the lowest of noblemen. I want to live a life of poverty of physical pleasures but a life full of spiritual riches. I want a life that I can show this new passion to old friends, that those I had hurt, or ignored, or showed a false face to (on purpose or otherwise) in middle school, high school, and especially in college; my friends would notice a renaissance in my spirit.
I burn inwardly for what i can not express outwardly. Not because it untruthful...for my heart has no filter anymore, but this time of patience, and growth, and building upon things those things of old that survived the fire of our Lord, and then all things must be revealed. I have no credibility that I am trustworthy or that next time would be different. I have no foundation with this new self with my friends. I have already seen the joys and the pain from some of my friendships that were built on rocks and sand respectively. To some of my friends it will be a one way relationship, to some it will be reciprocal, and to some it can be so much more. An investment in each other to see what God can truly do when brothers or sisters trust God to lead. I loved it when i was down in PCB and sharing the gospel just as much as when i was @ spring hill and sharing the gospel. It takes a special person to do either, and to see my spiritual family banding together to make a difference like that was just amazing. Life is so tough and no one can go through it alone. It IS lonely living alone (by definition), and I am so thankful that I have brothers and sisters to be there with me.
I am so tried right now, its not that late but it has been a long day. I feel like I am babbling. I had an entire revelation about myself in the car that i wanted to write but i wanted to use prudence too. Sometimes i fear that if i dont record what is happening here and now it will be lost or lose the emphasis that i meant, but all things come at the right time.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Learning to lean
SANCTIFICATION
"This is the will of God, even your sanctification." 1 Thessalonians 4:3
The Death Side. In sanctification God has to deal with us on the death side as well as on the life side. Many of us spend so much time in the place of death that we get sepulchral. There is always a battle royal before sanctification, always something that tugs with resentment against the demands of Jesus Christ. Immediately the Spirit of God begins to show us what sanctification means, the struggle begins. "If any man come to Me and hate not . . his own life, he cannot be My disciple."
The Spirit of God in the process of sanctification will strip me until I am nothing but "myself," that is the place of death. Am I willing to be "myself," and nothing more - no friends, no father, no brother, no self-interest - simply ready for death? That is the condition of sanctification. No wonder Jesus said: "I came not to send peace, but a sword." This is where the battle comes, and where so many of us faint. We refuse to be identified with the death of Jesus on this point. "But it is so stern," we say; "He cannot wish me to do that." Our Lord is stern; and He does wish us to do that.
Am I willing to reduce myself simply to "me," determinedly to strip myself of all my friends think of me, of all I think of myself, and to hand that simple naked self over to God? Immediately I am, He will sanctify me wholly, and my life will be free from earnestness in connection with every thing but God.
When I pray - "Lord, show me what sanctification means for me," He will show me. It means being made one with Jesus. Sanctification is not something Jesus Christ puts into me: it is Himself in me. (1 Cor. 1:30.)
My Utmost for His Highest
I have lived so much of my life to just serve my own selfish desires. I have lived a life of ME, ME, ME. I spoke as if my eternity was secure and yet I lived a life that reflected consuming as much of the here and now that I could. I lived a life that was so stupid, so useless, so empty.
And now my life really is emptied out of everything that is not of God. It is just me and God. It is so different. I am learning so much of ME. I am learning what truly matters in life. I am standing at the edge and looking over the edge of a red rock cliff. With jagged rocks above me and jagged rocks below and nothing but the horizon covered with the most beautiful trees, clouds, and breeze that only God to paint. I am above clouds but i am so far below the massive heavens above. The snow capped mountains overshadow me with their majesty, and they shelter me from the gusts of wind strong enough to push me over the edge. And then it begins to pour, and just as I feel as though it was a mistake to have my toes curled over the edge i feel this great hand holding me fast. I dont quite lean into it all the way at first but the more i do the safer I feel. It is a weird feeling to lean into a hand at your back, a hand that from its position seems as though itself is going to push you off to your doom....but it is more of a seat. It is a active decision to sit on the seat too. Its not a recliner, its not a stool either. It is a shelter from whatever the fall, mountains, gusts, or rain might try and freak me out with. It is also a foundation. That it might seem like a small seat but really it is a seat that wraps all around me and has room for certain things but not others. This seat can hold people's hearts but not their bodies, it can hold wealth but not money, it can hold dreams but not fears, it can hold challenges but not failures, it can hold a hope, a future but not disappointment or pity. This chair, this shelter; for those whose dare lean into it will keep all those things safe as the rest just slips away down the gorge and out of site underneath the canopy of the trees. You can't take anything into the chair that isnt supposed to be there otherwise it will cause you to slip and fall till I lose grasp of it. And interestingly enough, the more you lean into the chair the more cloudy the future gets but more important the vision becomes. Not that this is a circular logic, of course not. The future is that of our control, the schemes that we try and make in our own little worlds. But the vision are those passions, those permanent "chair-dwelling" items that remain there with us. Those visions that when my heart is stripped away from its cold outer shell, its tough metal skin, its guarded fleshy barriers, and then left with only the burning ember of my heart's true desire. A white hot passion that is so small and feels like it may go out at any moment. A white hot passion that consumes its true nature to express itself and set other eternal items on fire with the love I have already experienced through God. No one can just hand off God's love. What God's love does is it transforms us so that we even have the ability to love. And when we are able to love others, and when they are open to our love, it is then that we are so full of God's love that our attempt to love how we are uniquely created to...looks in distinguishable from the love of God.
"This is the will of God, even your sanctification." 1 Thessalonians 4:3
The Death Side. In sanctification God has to deal with us on the death side as well as on the life side. Many of us spend so much time in the place of death that we get sepulchral. There is always a battle royal before sanctification, always something that tugs with resentment against the demands of Jesus Christ. Immediately the Spirit of God begins to show us what sanctification means, the struggle begins. "If any man come to Me and hate not . . his own life, he cannot be My disciple."
The Spirit of God in the process of sanctification will strip me until I am nothing but "myself," that is the place of death. Am I willing to be "myself," and nothing more - no friends, no father, no brother, no self-interest - simply ready for death? That is the condition of sanctification. No wonder Jesus said: "I came not to send peace, but a sword." This is where the battle comes, and where so many of us faint. We refuse to be identified with the death of Jesus on this point. "But it is so stern," we say; "He cannot wish me to do that." Our Lord is stern; and He does wish us to do that.
Am I willing to reduce myself simply to "me," determinedly to strip myself of all my friends think of me, of all I think of myself, and to hand that simple naked self over to God? Immediately I am, He will sanctify me wholly, and my life will be free from earnestness in connection with every thing but God.
When I pray - "Lord, show me what sanctification means for me," He will show me. It means being made one with Jesus. Sanctification is not something Jesus Christ puts into me: it is Himself in me. (1 Cor. 1:30.)
My Utmost for His Highest
I have lived so much of my life to just serve my own selfish desires. I have lived a life of ME, ME, ME. I spoke as if my eternity was secure and yet I lived a life that reflected consuming as much of the here and now that I could. I lived a life that was so stupid, so useless, so empty.
And now my life really is emptied out of everything that is not of God. It is just me and God. It is so different. I am learning so much of ME. I am learning what truly matters in life. I am standing at the edge and looking over the edge of a red rock cliff. With jagged rocks above me and jagged rocks below and nothing but the horizon covered with the most beautiful trees, clouds, and breeze that only God to paint. I am above clouds but i am so far below the massive heavens above. The snow capped mountains overshadow me with their majesty, and they shelter me from the gusts of wind strong enough to push me over the edge. And then it begins to pour, and just as I feel as though it was a mistake to have my toes curled over the edge i feel this great hand holding me fast. I dont quite lean into it all the way at first but the more i do the safer I feel. It is a weird feeling to lean into a hand at your back, a hand that from its position seems as though itself is going to push you off to your doom....but it is more of a seat. It is a active decision to sit on the seat too. Its not a recliner, its not a stool either. It is a shelter from whatever the fall, mountains, gusts, or rain might try and freak me out with. It is also a foundation. That it might seem like a small seat but really it is a seat that wraps all around me and has room for certain things but not others. This seat can hold people's hearts but not their bodies, it can hold wealth but not money, it can hold dreams but not fears, it can hold challenges but not failures, it can hold a hope, a future but not disappointment or pity. This chair, this shelter; for those whose dare lean into it will keep all those things safe as the rest just slips away down the gorge and out of site underneath the canopy of the trees. You can't take anything into the chair that isnt supposed to be there otherwise it will cause you to slip and fall till I lose grasp of it. And interestingly enough, the more you lean into the chair the more cloudy the future gets but more important the vision becomes. Not that this is a circular logic, of course not. The future is that of our control, the schemes that we try and make in our own little worlds. But the vision are those passions, those permanent "chair-dwelling" items that remain there with us. Those visions that when my heart is stripped away from its cold outer shell, its tough metal skin, its guarded fleshy barriers, and then left with only the burning ember of my heart's true desire. A white hot passion that is so small and feels like it may go out at any moment. A white hot passion that consumes its true nature to express itself and set other eternal items on fire with the love I have already experienced through God. No one can just hand off God's love. What God's love does is it transforms us so that we even have the ability to love. And when we are able to love others, and when they are open to our love, it is then that we are so full of God's love that our attempt to love how we are uniquely created to...looks in distinguishable from the love of God.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
A Wealth of Perspective
"Luke Warming and Loving It"
Luke 18:18-30
I dont know how to live a righteous life with the money I could potentially make in my job, in my career, in my investments. I dont know someone who can live this new life, this new vision I have for my life. This vision of small houses but big families (not necessarily related), a vision of welcoming others in who i have never met A vision of strength by being weak. I want to live overseas, not because it will further my career but because it will weaken it. If God tells me that my mission field is in China, then thats where I will go. If its Bangkok, the Middle East, Estonia, or even the "safety" of Peru...thats where I am next. My job wont be in jeopardy because of the riskiness of the job, but because of my strong commitment to Christ. I wont be able to work that much because i will be so busy sharing the gospel. My kids may very well not have a single dime toward their education when they go to college because all of it has already gone to God (but i will leave that for each of them to decide). I dont care if my kids are in daycare anymore, I was in daycare and I turned out decent....or at least okay. I dont care if my wife works or doesnt work, its her choice....its not like her income is going toward paying bills anyway, it is all going to God (or if she's not comfortable with that, then all my income is going to God). I dont want my money to be a crutch. I dont want to be defined by how much i have and how little I give. I want my life to be truly full. I want my life to be that of sacrifice and not of regret. If my heart, my money, my life is in God...if my calendar and checkbook line up with that which sets my heart on fire....then well, it will be on fire. My relationships will be so much more full.
There are three little verses in the book of Matthew that I mentioned in my testimony my senior year of high school when i was speaking to my YL group. I was a junior leader (one of the most challenging and rewarding things i have done in my entire life ironically....just the mere fact that i was out of my comfort zone for the entire time i was serving in that role, a place i am rarely challenged to be in unfortunately). Well its about a treasure in a field....I found it in high school buried in my heart, covered it up till i was ready to fully submit to it...but unfortunately that wasnt until about 5-6 weeks ago that i remember where i buried it. Where i basically was hit over the head with a shovel 2 1/2 months ago and i just laid there bleeding for almost a month. Then....with that tool that my friend gave me I was able to finally realize the opportunity that they put in my life. I was stripped bare before God, and that treasure I found was finally able to be rediscovered. Yes, I forgot the exact location where i had originally found it, but God found me. He brought it to me by bringing me into the light. I can do nothing apart from Him. He pursued me, He found me. And that shovel has turned from a scar into a tool. A reminder that when God puts special people in my life they are meant to be treasured as sons and daughters of Him. And then at the same time now it is my responsibility, not to throw the shovel away, or toss it back at the person who gave it to me...but to continue to help others bring to light their treasures in their lives. And to make a difference in this generation echoing into eternity.
Matthew 13:44-46
Matthew 5:1-12
Luke 18:18-30
I dont know how to live a righteous life with the money I could potentially make in my job, in my career, in my investments. I dont know someone who can live this new life, this new vision I have for my life. This vision of small houses but big families (not necessarily related), a vision of welcoming others in who i have never met A vision of strength by being weak. I want to live overseas, not because it will further my career but because it will weaken it. If God tells me that my mission field is in China, then thats where I will go. If its Bangkok, the Middle East, Estonia, or even the "safety" of Peru...thats where I am next. My job wont be in jeopardy because of the riskiness of the job, but because of my strong commitment to Christ. I wont be able to work that much because i will be so busy sharing the gospel. My kids may very well not have a single dime toward their education when they go to college because all of it has already gone to God (but i will leave that for each of them to decide). I dont care if my kids are in daycare anymore, I was in daycare and I turned out decent....or at least okay. I dont care if my wife works or doesnt work, its her choice....its not like her income is going toward paying bills anyway, it is all going to God (or if she's not comfortable with that, then all my income is going to God). I dont want my money to be a crutch. I dont want to be defined by how much i have and how little I give. I want my life to be truly full. I want my life to be that of sacrifice and not of regret. If my heart, my money, my life is in God...if my calendar and checkbook line up with that which sets my heart on fire....then well, it will be on fire. My relationships will be so much more full.
There are three little verses in the book of Matthew that I mentioned in my testimony my senior year of high school when i was speaking to my YL group. I was a junior leader (one of the most challenging and rewarding things i have done in my entire life ironically....just the mere fact that i was out of my comfort zone for the entire time i was serving in that role, a place i am rarely challenged to be in unfortunately). Well its about a treasure in a field....I found it in high school buried in my heart, covered it up till i was ready to fully submit to it...but unfortunately that wasnt until about 5-6 weeks ago that i remember where i buried it. Where i basically was hit over the head with a shovel 2 1/2 months ago and i just laid there bleeding for almost a month. Then....with that tool that my friend gave me I was able to finally realize the opportunity that they put in my life. I was stripped bare before God, and that treasure I found was finally able to be rediscovered. Yes, I forgot the exact location where i had originally found it, but God found me. He brought it to me by bringing me into the light. I can do nothing apart from Him. He pursued me, He found me. And that shovel has turned from a scar into a tool. A reminder that when God puts special people in my life they are meant to be treasured as sons and daughters of Him. And then at the same time now it is my responsibility, not to throw the shovel away, or toss it back at the person who gave it to me...but to continue to help others bring to light their treasures in their lives. And to make a difference in this generation echoing into eternity.
Matthew 13:44-46
Matthew 5:1-12
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Matters
Psalm 42
Psalm 46
I feel like I have served myself and all my selfish desire for so long. My joy has been nothing but fleeting and my heart has been anything but loving. I have only really experienced perfect love through God alone but for so long I denied it. I passed it off, and with it I passed on all the blessings that He had sought to give me. My pride got in the way of His plan for my life, or what He was allowing for my life. I was scarred at what it seemed like life could be and now it is no more. How many times a day do I pass by God's blessings, His opportunities. There are so many amazing things in life that I am "too tired for" or "too scared to do" or "too afraid or embarrassed to say". I want it to be no more. I long for the confidence in God that only truly comes from Him. Its not that I need to know or want to know what God's plan is for my life, I just want to know that it is amazing. I want to share it with amazing Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Yes, I get the chance to speak to tons of friends for half hours or even hours a day but those guys dont get to see what i see. What truly makes relationships meaningful is not commonalities, its shared experiences. I want my friends to see what i see. I want to experience what they experience back in EL, or LA, or Minny. It just seems so right that I would have the ability to share with them, but unfortunately Cincy isnt that big of a draw from a "killer weekend" standpoint. Thats just all the more reason I want to take advantage of all the opportunities that I do have before I lose anymore forever. I want to be able to use all this energy I have for others. I want to make friends here in Cincy with people that matter. I want to make a difference by being a friend to all these people who I am just meeting and give them back so much of what they have already given me.
Sometimes I feel so constrained though. I want to be better friends with some people or spend more time with even others still but schedules dont allow it, circumstances dont allow it, or even just the face that priorities dont allow it. Sometimes it just seems like I'm on a different page than i want to be. I want to be on the next page or even pages years ago. Not that I have that many regrets, but i have some. And not that I dont want to live in the moment, but sometimes it seems like more exciting times are ahead ya know? It just seems like in the midst of my spiritual growth, i have such a conflict about what matters most. I want the here and now to matter but sometimes its just so frustrating whats going on. But is a crazy awesome circle, everything that makes me anxious, or sad, or longing for more just drives me back to God, which in turn allows me to have more growth in the future. It seems like the walls are caving in sometimes but then other times feel as though there is so much life in spite of the sorrow. It is because of my realization each and every day for a savior that i even have the opportunities to live free. That because of my utter need for God I can be set free for other things. Because while I have so many other passions in addition to God, He is the one that matters. And with that, I can now lay down those other passions at the feet, of the throne of Christ where I can truly be given them right back again. It is not till i give something up and God heals me of my unclean, unfocused, unGodly desire; that I am able to start moving forward with my life and with the blessing that from thence forth, my actions will be aligned with those of our Father.
Psalm 46
I feel like I have served myself and all my selfish desire for so long. My joy has been nothing but fleeting and my heart has been anything but loving. I have only really experienced perfect love through God alone but for so long I denied it. I passed it off, and with it I passed on all the blessings that He had sought to give me. My pride got in the way of His plan for my life, or what He was allowing for my life. I was scarred at what it seemed like life could be and now it is no more. How many times a day do I pass by God's blessings, His opportunities. There are so many amazing things in life that I am "too tired for" or "too scared to do" or "too afraid or embarrassed to say". I want it to be no more. I long for the confidence in God that only truly comes from Him. Its not that I need to know or want to know what God's plan is for my life, I just want to know that it is amazing. I want to share it with amazing Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Yes, I get the chance to speak to tons of friends for half hours or even hours a day but those guys dont get to see what i see. What truly makes relationships meaningful is not commonalities, its shared experiences. I want my friends to see what i see. I want to experience what they experience back in EL, or LA, or Minny. It just seems so right that I would have the ability to share with them, but unfortunately Cincy isnt that big of a draw from a "killer weekend" standpoint. Thats just all the more reason I want to take advantage of all the opportunities that I do have before I lose anymore forever. I want to be able to use all this energy I have for others. I want to make friends here in Cincy with people that matter. I want to make a difference by being a friend to all these people who I am just meeting and give them back so much of what they have already given me.
Sometimes I feel so constrained though. I want to be better friends with some people or spend more time with even others still but schedules dont allow it, circumstances dont allow it, or even just the face that priorities dont allow it. Sometimes it just seems like I'm on a different page than i want to be. I want to be on the next page or even pages years ago. Not that I have that many regrets, but i have some. And not that I dont want to live in the moment, but sometimes it seems like more exciting times are ahead ya know? It just seems like in the midst of my spiritual growth, i have such a conflict about what matters most. I want the here and now to matter but sometimes its just so frustrating whats going on. But is a crazy awesome circle, everything that makes me anxious, or sad, or longing for more just drives me back to God, which in turn allows me to have more growth in the future. It seems like the walls are caving in sometimes but then other times feel as though there is so much life in spite of the sorrow. It is because of my realization each and every day for a savior that i even have the opportunities to live free. That because of my utter need for God I can be set free for other things. Because while I have so many other passions in addition to God, He is the one that matters. And with that, I can now lay down those other passions at the feet, of the throne of Christ where I can truly be given them right back again. It is not till i give something up and God heals me of my unclean, unfocused, unGodly desire; that I am able to start moving forward with my life and with the blessing that from thence forth, my actions will be aligned with those of our Father.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Phil
Phil Mickelson just came in second place today in the US Open. But thats okay. He is now taking off time to spend with His family, with his kids and wife, and time to just get away from busyness of his agenda.
Yesterday in church they continued on with their series on the ten commandments and living in Christ as the fulfillment of God's Law. The fourth week was about remembering the Sabbath and keeping it holy, for we were not made for the Sabbath but rather the Sabbath was made for us. Sometimes I just need to take a break from everything. In fact God calls us to take a time out. He knows that we can't be at our best 24/7, we were only created to be at it 24/6 or even 12/6 or less! To say that we can handle working seven days a week is not only arrogant, foolish, and immature, it is disrespectful toward the God of creation. As a follower of Christ if I am not willing to fully give myself over to God in every occasion I do not give Him the proper place in my life where He will be honored. It is only when I see God continually that I am able to experience the joy that comes from a relationship with Him. And it is only when I take a break and live in the here and now, in the joy of today, that I can appreciate all that is in and around my life. Times at dinner are not about worrying what homework I need to finish later. Times at a movie are not for me to focus on what emails I need to send when I get home. And times when visiting with friends and family are not times to wish I had missed this or that opportunity for sleep. Yes, rest and responsibilities are important but too much will leave me burned out and vulnerable. And when I get burned out and vulnerable, I sacrifice relationships, friendships, and joys that I didnt want to in the first place. And I fall into a cycle of trying to work, or provide, for those things that I am missing out with in the end.
It took heartbreak, it took pain, it literally took God stripping me of all the physical possessions that I have in order to get my attention. I fell into that trap that my father fell into the same way, its just that I fell into it earlier. It cost both of us things that were precious in our lives that are most likely lost forever, but God has/and is bringing both of us through those parts of our lives. I have the benefit of it being earlier on in my life so that way God can reconcile me to myself without kids, friends, relatives, or least of all jobs being disrupted through the entire ordeal. It took God to expose my hurt, my wound as a man to light, to air. Like a laceration that was temporarily bandaged but never given time to heal, I was pained and hurt by my father and his work. In a much less severe way than many of my friends, "the cycle of abuse" hurt me mentally and my wound of letting others down due to my incapacity to see clearly the values in life just caused me to get thrown up, and a few times sober or drunk literally throw up my emotional pain in a physical response. It wasnt till 2, 3, or maybe 4 weeks ago that I knew what is/was most important in my life. And each day after God has broken me so much that I have cried out as Paul did just that God would call me home. It was in this abandonment that God picked me up. Not in a sense of suicidal thoughts, for I mean not to be insensitive to that in any way, but rather in a realization that I literally have nothing to look forward to in this life that my life with God in heaven will make me miss. There is no wealth, or number of vacations, or fast enough I4, v6, v8, v12 cars that can quench that insatiable desire for the peace of God and the warmth of his smile. The physical world, the physical hopes or desires that I currently have are those for opportunities to minister to the needs of my brothers and sisters around me. That I would have a bench to sit on, or a phone to call someone with. Not that it would be complicated or worrysome. My safety and security is in God and for my wife, friends, and family someday....the protection I can only hope to provide is that of emotional and spiritual support in the downturns of life that we might crave the Lord together. To rest in one another's arms and chests and brothers and sisters in Christ. The only thing from this world that we can take with us are our relationships, so why invest in anything else. The joy of my salvation is so great that I long to share it with others. My peace is beyond my own understanding and my only hope for obedience is found in Christ alone. I pray that the password into my heart might be the echoes of Psalm 46:10. And that the only work I would do on my Sabbath....a Saturday or Sunday; would be that which is the joy of serving others and not inanimate objects to build wealth and power. For my faith, my work, and my life should be full of faith such that it is so strong yet so little as Christ compares it to a Mustard seed.
Matthew 17:20
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
American Dream - Casting Crowns
Exodus 20:8-11
Yesterday in church they continued on with their series on the ten commandments and living in Christ as the fulfillment of God's Law. The fourth week was about remembering the Sabbath and keeping it holy, for we were not made for the Sabbath but rather the Sabbath was made for us. Sometimes I just need to take a break from everything. In fact God calls us to take a time out. He knows that we can't be at our best 24/7, we were only created to be at it 24/6 or even 12/6 or less! To say that we can handle working seven days a week is not only arrogant, foolish, and immature, it is disrespectful toward the God of creation. As a follower of Christ if I am not willing to fully give myself over to God in every occasion I do not give Him the proper place in my life where He will be honored. It is only when I see God continually that I am able to experience the joy that comes from a relationship with Him. And it is only when I take a break and live in the here and now, in the joy of today, that I can appreciate all that is in and around my life. Times at dinner are not about worrying what homework I need to finish later. Times at a movie are not for me to focus on what emails I need to send when I get home. And times when visiting with friends and family are not times to wish I had missed this or that opportunity for sleep. Yes, rest and responsibilities are important but too much will leave me burned out and vulnerable. And when I get burned out and vulnerable, I sacrifice relationships, friendships, and joys that I didnt want to in the first place. And I fall into a cycle of trying to work, or provide, for those things that I am missing out with in the end.
It took heartbreak, it took pain, it literally took God stripping me of all the physical possessions that I have in order to get my attention. I fell into that trap that my father fell into the same way, its just that I fell into it earlier. It cost both of us things that were precious in our lives that are most likely lost forever, but God has/and is bringing both of us through those parts of our lives. I have the benefit of it being earlier on in my life so that way God can reconcile me to myself without kids, friends, relatives, or least of all jobs being disrupted through the entire ordeal. It took God to expose my hurt, my wound as a man to light, to air. Like a laceration that was temporarily bandaged but never given time to heal, I was pained and hurt by my father and his work. In a much less severe way than many of my friends, "the cycle of abuse" hurt me mentally and my wound of letting others down due to my incapacity to see clearly the values in life just caused me to get thrown up, and a few times sober or drunk literally throw up my emotional pain in a physical response. It wasnt till 2, 3, or maybe 4 weeks ago that I knew what is/was most important in my life. And each day after God has broken me so much that I have cried out as Paul did just that God would call me home. It was in this abandonment that God picked me up. Not in a sense of suicidal thoughts, for I mean not to be insensitive to that in any way, but rather in a realization that I literally have nothing to look forward to in this life that my life with God in heaven will make me miss. There is no wealth, or number of vacations, or fast enough I4, v6, v8, v12 cars that can quench that insatiable desire for the peace of God and the warmth of his smile. The physical world, the physical hopes or desires that I currently have are those for opportunities to minister to the needs of my brothers and sisters around me. That I would have a bench to sit on, or a phone to call someone with. Not that it would be complicated or worrysome. My safety and security is in God and for my wife, friends, and family someday....the protection I can only hope to provide is that of emotional and spiritual support in the downturns of life that we might crave the Lord together. To rest in one another's arms and chests and brothers and sisters in Christ. The only thing from this world that we can take with us are our relationships, so why invest in anything else. The joy of my salvation is so great that I long to share it with others. My peace is beyond my own understanding and my only hope for obedience is found in Christ alone. I pray that the password into my heart might be the echoes of Psalm 46:10. And that the only work I would do on my Sabbath....a Saturday or Sunday; would be that which is the joy of serving others and not inanimate objects to build wealth and power. For my faith, my work, and my life should be full of faith such that it is so strong yet so little as Christ compares it to a Mustard seed.
Matthew 17:20
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
American Dream - Casting Crowns
Exodus 20:8-11
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Homeless Identity
Romans 5:12-21
1 Corinthians 15:12-34
So my movers came and packed up all of my worldly possessions yesterday. So I am in a very real sense homeless. I have sent in my forwarding mail address card such that as far as the governing body over my well being is concerned....I no longer reside in E. Lansing. So now I am enroute, or as of tomorrow at 11am....possibly later, to my new apartment which is empty but in a real sense full.
Last night I completely realized that I have nothing and currently own nothing that is more than my laptop (which is now 4+ years old) and the clothes on my back (plus 6ish other "outfits" that will have to suffice in the mean time). I have no fear about where my next meal is to come from...for I have more than enough in front of me. I have no struggle as to fresh water, or medical care, or even friends and family....for I also have all this in abundance. It is so weird to think that just a week ago I was concerned about filling up my new apartment with just the right items, or just the right stuff....ignoring the blaring-ly obvious signals and signs right in front of me. The love and safety; the rest and peace; the joy and assurance I have in Christ's death and resurrection is more than enough. My identity is not a job, its not a position, or a qualification. My identity isnt even my accomplishments, or the companion beside me (if and when God allows for a Christ-defining relationship). I got so distracted from the syntax of my life to say that as long as Christ was in the center of my life, relationships, or jobs then it didnt matter how big the part was. Christ needs to DEFINE who I am and what i put into my life and my jobs. Instead of seeing a relationship that has Christ as the glue, have the relationship be the splitting image of Christ. Not to put it as the center of the time together but to have it as the time together. To pray without ceasing doesnt mean to pray at the beginning, middle, and end of the day....it means to NEVER STOP PRAYING. To have Christ only be in my job when I am facing an ethical dilemma would be to exclude Him from so much of who I am and what I am trying to accomplish for Him. If I truly follow Colossians 3:23 then I should be heavenly minded throughout my day and in all work that I accomplish for Him who gives me strength. I should be looking at my places of influence, my positions, my areas of my life where I can truly make a difference, and use them to be Christ in those ways. I have nothing to fear for God will vindicate me in this world and be with me always, even if my actions in the world truly lead me homeless or even to the next.
Back in my sophomore and junior years of high school I was starting to learn about what did it mean to be defined by who God was in my life. I was beginning to learn from an Erwin McManus book called "Uprising" where it talks about how every man is on a journey to discover the passion that God has put in each of our hearts. Its not about worldly accomplishments but it is about getting to know the heart of the Father and the heart that He has uniquely placed in each of us. It is about trusting in Him to make all the pieces work together and teaching us the opportunities that lie ahead are meant to be taken grasp of with God's help. I forgot all the lessons that I learned from that book over the past 6-7 years and I shouldn't have. The fact that my identity was so backwards and away from God, forced me to sacrifice so many God-given opportunities and to squander many of my blessings. God calls me and each of us to not be defined as a Christian, which has come to mean so many things today from attending on Easter and Christmas to punching your ticket every Sunday before going to the bar to watch a sports game. Our day of rest has turned into a day or even a week of debauchery. I am as guilty as everyone else if not more. I have sinned in every way imaginable on Sundays as well as every other day of the week. My defining characteristics in God were of trying my best and not caring if it didnt work out in the end. My joy did not come from Him alone but by whatever the world told me I should be encouraged by. My old Adam had crawled its way back into my life such that ethics, morals, and priorities didnt match up with what my heart's true desire was. My life seemed so empty and off-kilter because it was. My balancing act was more like a deadly tight-rope performance than an actual rest in my Father's arms. But I have fallen and I have been caught by God. It took pain, it took humility, and it took a resetting of my heart's priorities...but now I can know that I literally have nothing now but God. I am alone with Him (especially since I just found out I wont have my move items till the 12th day of my 2-12 day moving spread). My joy is joy from Him. My love is flowing from His side. And my peace is that of His Spirit engulfing me and penetrating the weakest parts of who I am to expose them to the solidifying fire of the Lord's trials such that they may be refined and hardened in love through Grace.
It excites me to see where God is leading me next, or what friends I might meet along the way, or who God might strengthen my friendships with. I recently heard the quote that "Love is friendship on fire" which apparently is an older english quote from a while back but if that is true, then the only way for that fire to ignite (not even necessarily within a dating or marriage relationship) is for God to set it that way. For the fire that purifies and consumes everything is only from God. The fire that burns away the bad, useless items to leave only that which shimmers in God's eyes is what matters. And it is exciting to see what the next stage in my life will be, and what next God will set on fire now that He has started with my heart.
A quote from C.S. Lewis:
"Now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."
Another quote inspired by God:
Luke 12:13-53
1 Corinthians 15:12-34
So my movers came and packed up all of my worldly possessions yesterday. So I am in a very real sense homeless. I have sent in my forwarding mail address card such that as far as the governing body over my well being is concerned....I no longer reside in E. Lansing. So now I am enroute, or as of tomorrow at 11am....possibly later, to my new apartment which is empty but in a real sense full.
Last night I completely realized that I have nothing and currently own nothing that is more than my laptop (which is now 4+ years old) and the clothes on my back (plus 6ish other "outfits" that will have to suffice in the mean time). I have no fear about where my next meal is to come from...for I have more than enough in front of me. I have no struggle as to fresh water, or medical care, or even friends and family....for I also have all this in abundance. It is so weird to think that just a week ago I was concerned about filling up my new apartment with just the right items, or just the right stuff....ignoring the blaring-ly obvious signals and signs right in front of me. The love and safety; the rest and peace; the joy and assurance I have in Christ's death and resurrection is more than enough. My identity is not a job, its not a position, or a qualification. My identity isnt even my accomplishments, or the companion beside me (if and when God allows for a Christ-defining relationship). I got so distracted from the syntax of my life to say that as long as Christ was in the center of my life, relationships, or jobs then it didnt matter how big the part was. Christ needs to DEFINE who I am and what i put into my life and my jobs. Instead of seeing a relationship that has Christ as the glue, have the relationship be the splitting image of Christ. Not to put it as the center of the time together but to have it as the time together. To pray without ceasing doesnt mean to pray at the beginning, middle, and end of the day....it means to NEVER STOP PRAYING. To have Christ only be in my job when I am facing an ethical dilemma would be to exclude Him from so much of who I am and what I am trying to accomplish for Him. If I truly follow Colossians 3:23 then I should be heavenly minded throughout my day and in all work that I accomplish for Him who gives me strength. I should be looking at my places of influence, my positions, my areas of my life where I can truly make a difference, and use them to be Christ in those ways. I have nothing to fear for God will vindicate me in this world and be with me always, even if my actions in the world truly lead me homeless or even to the next.
Back in my sophomore and junior years of high school I was starting to learn about what did it mean to be defined by who God was in my life. I was beginning to learn from an Erwin McManus book called "Uprising" where it talks about how every man is on a journey to discover the passion that God has put in each of our hearts. Its not about worldly accomplishments but it is about getting to know the heart of the Father and the heart that He has uniquely placed in each of us. It is about trusting in Him to make all the pieces work together and teaching us the opportunities that lie ahead are meant to be taken grasp of with God's help. I forgot all the lessons that I learned from that book over the past 6-7 years and I shouldn't have. The fact that my identity was so backwards and away from God, forced me to sacrifice so many God-given opportunities and to squander many of my blessings. God calls me and each of us to not be defined as a Christian, which has come to mean so many things today from attending on Easter and Christmas to punching your ticket every Sunday before going to the bar to watch a sports game. Our day of rest has turned into a day or even a week of debauchery. I am as guilty as everyone else if not more. I have sinned in every way imaginable on Sundays as well as every other day of the week. My defining characteristics in God were of trying my best and not caring if it didnt work out in the end. My joy did not come from Him alone but by whatever the world told me I should be encouraged by. My old Adam had crawled its way back into my life such that ethics, morals, and priorities didnt match up with what my heart's true desire was. My life seemed so empty and off-kilter because it was. My balancing act was more like a deadly tight-rope performance than an actual rest in my Father's arms. But I have fallen and I have been caught by God. It took pain, it took humility, and it took a resetting of my heart's priorities...but now I can know that I literally have nothing now but God. I am alone with Him (especially since I just found out I wont have my move items till the 12th day of my 2-12 day moving spread). My joy is joy from Him. My love is flowing from His side. And my peace is that of His Spirit engulfing me and penetrating the weakest parts of who I am to expose them to the solidifying fire of the Lord's trials such that they may be refined and hardened in love through Grace.
It excites me to see where God is leading me next, or what friends I might meet along the way, or who God might strengthen my friendships with. I recently heard the quote that "Love is friendship on fire" which apparently is an older english quote from a while back but if that is true, then the only way for that fire to ignite (not even necessarily within a dating or marriage relationship) is for God to set it that way. For the fire that purifies and consumes everything is only from God. The fire that burns away the bad, useless items to leave only that which shimmers in God's eyes is what matters. And it is exciting to see what the next stage in my life will be, and what next God will set on fire now that He has started with my heart.
A quote from C.S. Lewis:
"Now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."
Another quote inspired by God:
Luke 12:13-53
Sunday, June 14, 2009
I pray this isnt me someday
I really like PostSecret ever since I was in high school when my friend Andy showed it to me. I have no idea where this one came from but it is kinda cool and apparently it has the Cincinnati skyline.
I am excited and scared at the same to move down to Cincy and start my new job with Procter and Gamble. I just dont want to live with any regrets. Regrets about what I didnt do today, what I should've done yesterday, or what I couldnt do tomorrow. I want my life to be within God's plan...and I want happiness. I dont want to live a life that is easy, but I desire so greatly the joy of the Lord. To fight away a world of depression for a God of love. To escape a world of lies for a world of integrity. A world where truth and shared experiences with the Father and with those I love is what truly motivates me. A life that isnt about pain and loneliness and wishing things differently. I want a life, a world of availability....yes of second changes, of reconciliation and renewal...but of a willingness to change from the inside out and to see that in others. An openness to new experiences that might seem familiar but are still new and exciting. I already worked at Motorola, I am sure that my Procter and Gamble experience will be similar but at the same time totally new. I already moved to a new city that I didnt know anyone in, and it worked out great being all alone anyway. Why wouldnt the same new experience work out just as great. My only fear is that my greatest flaw, my perpetual thorn that I really have only detested for the past month and a half, my lack of interpersonal dependence will somehow leave me how it did in Chicago. One of my friend's visited me in Chicago last fourth of July. It was really sweet to see him and really encouraging, but without certain people in my life he said that I changed. I long for change in the world and in myself. But I had lost the best part of myself for those 10 weeks that I was different prior to that. That I had no passion, was angry, and was really just weak. I dont want to have that same regret again. I feel myself slipping there more and more each day. I dont want my heart to harden toward parts of the world but it seems like it is the only way to deal with some things. I dont want to experience pain but it seems like the only way to avoid it. My relationship with God is the best it has been in a long time but it seems like I am losing myself. That I am in a routine, that my passion is gone, that in the near future I will have regrets. That in the end it will end up in a lie like in Chicago. It will end up will a shell of emptiness that no one can see but God.
Post Secret
But at the same time I hope that this IS me someday...today!
Getting There - My Utmost for His Highest
I am excited and scared at the same to move down to Cincy and start my new job with Procter and Gamble. I just dont want to live with any regrets. Regrets about what I didnt do today, what I should've done yesterday, or what I couldnt do tomorrow. I want my life to be within God's plan...and I want happiness. I dont want to live a life that is easy, but I desire so greatly the joy of the Lord. To fight away a world of depression for a God of love. To escape a world of lies for a world of integrity. A world where truth and shared experiences with the Father and with those I love is what truly motivates me. A life that isnt about pain and loneliness and wishing things differently. I want a life, a world of availability....yes of second changes, of reconciliation and renewal...but of a willingness to change from the inside out and to see that in others. An openness to new experiences that might seem familiar but are still new and exciting. I already worked at Motorola, I am sure that my Procter and Gamble experience will be similar but at the same time totally new. I already moved to a new city that I didnt know anyone in, and it worked out great being all alone anyway. Why wouldnt the same new experience work out just as great. My only fear is that my greatest flaw, my perpetual thorn that I really have only detested for the past month and a half, my lack of interpersonal dependence will somehow leave me how it did in Chicago. One of my friend's visited me in Chicago last fourth of July. It was really sweet to see him and really encouraging, but without certain people in my life he said that I changed. I long for change in the world and in myself. But I had lost the best part of myself for those 10 weeks that I was different prior to that. That I had no passion, was angry, and was really just weak. I dont want to have that same regret again. I feel myself slipping there more and more each day. I dont want my heart to harden toward parts of the world but it seems like it is the only way to deal with some things. I dont want to experience pain but it seems like the only way to avoid it. My relationship with God is the best it has been in a long time but it seems like I am losing myself. That I am in a routine, that my passion is gone, that in the near future I will have regrets. That in the end it will end up in a lie like in Chicago. It will end up will a shell of emptiness that no one can see but God.
Post Secret
But at the same time I hope that this IS me someday...today!
Getting There - My Utmost for His Highest
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Correct Definition?
Tim McGraw - Back When
Witness (n); public affirmation by word or example of usually religious faith or conviction
How many words, thoughts, definitions have been skewed over the years to not mean what they were supposed to? I think the Tim McGraw Song Link at the top basically sums up how screwed up the bottom pic and link are.
http://kingjamesgospel.com/
Witness (n); public affirmation by word or example of usually religious faith or conviction
How many words, thoughts, definitions have been skewed over the years to not mean what they were supposed to? I think the Tim McGraw Song Link at the top basically sums up how screwed up the bottom pic and link are.
http://kingjamesgospel.com/
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Your Name
Your Name - Phillips Criag and Dean (or The Swift is a good version too)
I was driving home today from E.L. after a very encouraging hang out time with one of my sweet friends and all I could do for a majority of my trip of proclaim praises to God. I just wanted to dance in my car and jump up and down, and I tried my best to do just that (for cruise control is certainly from God). One of my friends taught me how to translate the words of meaningful songs into sentences that touch my heart and this is what I gained from this song. May these verses and lyrics touch your heart as they did mine.
As morning dawns and evening fades, - As each day passes as if it were a mere mist before the eyes of our Lord (James 4:14)
you inspire songs of praise that rise up from Earth to touch your heart and glorify your name. - There are just sometimes that I cannot contain my love and joy for God, the mere mention of His name or thought of His greatness makes me call out loudly to Him(Luke 19:40)
Your name is a strong and mighty tower, - It is the focal point for all to see and experience. It is a light that extends out so all can see its greatness! (Psalm 61:3)
Your name is a shelter like no other, - The very identity of Jehovah is contained within His name. The security of His love and salvation are for all to hear, see, and experience. And the wholeness that is felt when surrounded by that security is nothing to balk at.(Psalm 61:4)
Your name - let the nations sing it louder, - Just as the nations tremble before the Lord and His voice, so too the nations repeat the chorus of the angels such that God's glory proclaimed and echoed against the mountains and across the seas(Psalm 105:1)
For nothing has the power to save but your name.- For our Lord is the only true way, truth, and life. And it is through Him and seeking our salvation through Him that we are set free. That in Him we find everything our heart desires. (John 6:68)
Jesus, in your name we pray, come and fill our hearts today,- For we cannot fill our hearts with things or other people, but God can fill our hearts with the love of other brothers and sisters through our faithfulness and obedience toward Him. (Luke 11:2)
Lord, give us strength to live for you and glorify your name. -Even when I am downtrodden and weak, God is strong. Even when the world comes crashing down on top of me, the Lord is my shelter through the storm. It is then that the Lord fully glorifies Himself through me as the vessel. For where I end, He begins...it is only up to me to end as soon as I can to humbly submit to God's power and majesty. (2 Thessalonians 1:12)
And there is healing in your name, - Healing from pain, from loneliness, and from discouragement. For God will never forget us or forsake us. If we seek acceptance first from anyone other than our Father we are nothing. But if we seek God's glory first....it is then that we receive all other things our mind, body and spirit desire (Isaiah 6:10)
Salvation in your name,-The very name of Jesus gives me freedom, safety, and joy. The peace that comes from Him alone is the saving grace in times of trouble. It is His joy and hope that continues to encourage me toward purity, obedience, and life in him alone. (Psalm 62:1-8)
There is joy in your name, - It is only in my Lord that I am truly alive. It is only by seeking His heart that I can find mine. And it is only by abiding in His perfect plan that I can find joy, even amongst persecution, distress, or uncertainty. (Psalm 35:9)
Jesus, in your name. -For we must all hail the power of Jesus' name. In Him alone do I find my salvation and joy. It is Him alone that reunites me with the Father and makes me whole again. The joy and strength that comes from trusting in Him is unmatched by even the greatest of all things created by man. For my relationships are most full when given to God and consecrated in Christ's holy name. For at Jesus' feet I lay all my desires, pain, goals, and struggles...to pick up my cross and live a life I can only hope is worthy of Him (Philippians 2:10)
Wow, what a mighty and powerful God do we serve. To Him be all the glory forever and ever Amen.
I was driving home today from E.L. after a very encouraging hang out time with one of my sweet friends and all I could do for a majority of my trip of proclaim praises to God. I just wanted to dance in my car and jump up and down, and I tried my best to do just that (for cruise control is certainly from God). One of my friends taught me how to translate the words of meaningful songs into sentences that touch my heart and this is what I gained from this song. May these verses and lyrics touch your heart as they did mine.
As morning dawns and evening fades, - As each day passes as if it were a mere mist before the eyes of our Lord (James 4:14)
you inspire songs of praise that rise up from Earth to touch your heart and glorify your name. - There are just sometimes that I cannot contain my love and joy for God, the mere mention of His name or thought of His greatness makes me call out loudly to Him(Luke 19:40)
Your name is a strong and mighty tower, - It is the focal point for all to see and experience. It is a light that extends out so all can see its greatness! (Psalm 61:3)
Your name is a shelter like no other, - The very identity of Jehovah is contained within His name. The security of His love and salvation are for all to hear, see, and experience. And the wholeness that is felt when surrounded by that security is nothing to balk at.(Psalm 61:4)
Your name - let the nations sing it louder, - Just as the nations tremble before the Lord and His voice, so too the nations repeat the chorus of the angels such that God's glory proclaimed and echoed against the mountains and across the seas(Psalm 105:1)
For nothing has the power to save but your name.- For our Lord is the only true way, truth, and life. And it is through Him and seeking our salvation through Him that we are set free. That in Him we find everything our heart desires. (John 6:68)
Jesus, in your name we pray, come and fill our hearts today,- For we cannot fill our hearts with things or other people, but God can fill our hearts with the love of other brothers and sisters through our faithfulness and obedience toward Him. (Luke 11:2)
Lord, give us strength to live for you and glorify your name. -Even when I am downtrodden and weak, God is strong. Even when the world comes crashing down on top of me, the Lord is my shelter through the storm. It is then that the Lord fully glorifies Himself through me as the vessel. For where I end, He begins...it is only up to me to end as soon as I can to humbly submit to God's power and majesty. (2 Thessalonians 1:12)
And there is healing in your name, - Healing from pain, from loneliness, and from discouragement. For God will never forget us or forsake us. If we seek acceptance first from anyone other than our Father we are nothing. But if we seek God's glory first....it is then that we receive all other things our mind, body and spirit desire (Isaiah 6:10)
Salvation in your name,-The very name of Jesus gives me freedom, safety, and joy. The peace that comes from Him alone is the saving grace in times of trouble. It is His joy and hope that continues to encourage me toward purity, obedience, and life in him alone. (Psalm 62:1-8)
There is joy in your name, - It is only in my Lord that I am truly alive. It is only by seeking His heart that I can find mine. And it is only by abiding in His perfect plan that I can find joy, even amongst persecution, distress, or uncertainty. (Psalm 35:9)
Jesus, in your name. -For we must all hail the power of Jesus' name. In Him alone do I find my salvation and joy. It is Him alone that reunites me with the Father and makes me whole again. The joy and strength that comes from trusting in Him is unmatched by even the greatest of all things created by man. For my relationships are most full when given to God and consecrated in Christ's holy name. For at Jesus' feet I lay all my desires, pain, goals, and struggles...to pick up my cross and live a life I can only hope is worthy of Him (Philippians 2:10)
Wow, what a mighty and powerful God do we serve. To Him be all the glory forever and ever Amen.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
For Today
Trace Adkins - You're Gonna Miss This
I heard this song tonight on the radio on the way home from a great Red Sox victory at Comerica Park. It was just really encouraging for my mind and heart to just connect it back to some of the verses that I have studied recently. Sometimes I feel like I just so often dont live for the moment. I don't truly soak up the blessings around me and I often times just focus on whats next. But so many times in scripture God teaches us to be patient, to slow down, and to walk with Him instead of running through life with our busyness. I long to have that type of disciple to live only for today. Now thats not to say we shouldnt save our money for a rainy day or to be prudent with our planning, but I need to learn to not live for that. To have focused on my last month of college while it was still around instead of hoping to make up lost time with friends during the summer. To take advantage of every situation and to pack a full day (including quiet time), instead of procrastinating and truly wasting the time that God has given me. It feels just like throwing away blessings when i dont take advantage of what God is teaching me now in favor of what i hope He will teach me tomorrow.
Matthew 6:25-34
Ecclesiastes 3
I heard this song tonight on the radio on the way home from a great Red Sox victory at Comerica Park. It was just really encouraging for my mind and heart to just connect it back to some of the verses that I have studied recently. Sometimes I feel like I just so often dont live for the moment. I don't truly soak up the blessings around me and I often times just focus on whats next. But so many times in scripture God teaches us to be patient, to slow down, and to walk with Him instead of running through life with our busyness. I long to have that type of disciple to live only for today. Now thats not to say we shouldnt save our money for a rainy day or to be prudent with our planning, but I need to learn to not live for that. To have focused on my last month of college while it was still around instead of hoping to make up lost time with friends during the summer. To take advantage of every situation and to pack a full day (including quiet time), instead of procrastinating and truly wasting the time that God has given me. It feels just like throwing away blessings when i dont take advantage of what God is teaching me now in favor of what i hope He will teach me tomorrow.
Matthew 6:25-34
Ecclesiastes 3
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Just a sweet conversation with a friend (different friend than last post)
Here is an excerpt from a convo I had with one of my friends this evening that was just sweet. I just love how with brothers and sisters the most simple yet amazingly meaningful conversations just come out of nowhere and it means so much. Just that the conversations that we can have will echo in eternity and will continue for eternity. It is just sweet that these conversations will continue for a long, long time to come. I dont think until i get challenged to really think about it do i really care all that often to share the gospel or make an impact for God's kingdom each and everyday. But in reality I truly want to make a difference in this life that will echo into the next. Just that God has and continues to bless me with so many gifts and physical capabilities to give to him in thought, word and deed. And I long for the challenge and the opportunity to make a real difference each and every day! My only prayer is that I am patient enough and observant enough and quiet enough before God to wait on Him and yet see the opportunities that come my way. And that my friends continue to hold me accountable along the way.
{Previous discussing about Conan taking over for Leno and the difference between the two}
Friend: i think leno's is a little more broad
Me: i really like leno after reading an article of him in my GQ magazine...the only part was that it was a little depressing cause he doesnt believe in God
Friend: hmm that is very interesting, i dont know that i wouldve guessed that about him
Me: yeah, there was this quote that he had that i am gonna try and remember/summarize, the mag writer asks him a question and he say he loves writing jokes about religion, politics, and everything under the sun, then he is asked if he is religious at all. He replies that it is great that some people have that to hold onto but he never saw a use/need for it in his life. He has been doing just fine without it but that he can respect people who feel that they need it. i think both he and conan are pretty funny.
Friend: letterman isn't for our generation i dont think. hmm, very interesting...i can't imagine not believing in a God. it would be very weird
Me: I can't even imagine not believing in our god anymore either. like just the feeling of value and worth and joy I have felt and recieved and just the idea of my life being predestined to be awesome cause God chose and knew me before the beginning of time is pretty miraculous. just the idea of me having some small part in seeing God's glory come to pass is sweet. and the idea of being able to help others along, my wife, kids, grandkids someday. and that we can all worship Him together for eternity
Friend: yeah, no kidding. it is AWESOME to think about! It is just sweet.
Me: like I'll be there with you and all our friends!!! totally wow
Friend: :):) can't wait for heaven. still freaks me out a litlte bit to think about.
but it's a good thing
Me: mmmm....heaven
Friend: obiviously
Me: yeah, totally bad analogy but its like trying to think of a 4D object...just can't happen. unless you go to disney and see the muppet show in 3D where they squirt water at you
Friend: it's similar to one of those comparisons that lewis uses in mere christianity. kind of scratches the surface, but not entirely
Me: yeah, for sure. i need to read mere Christianity again
Friend: i reread it right after school ended, and it was really good!
{Previous discussing about Conan taking over for Leno and the difference between the two}
Friend: i think leno's is a little more broad
Me: i really like leno after reading an article of him in my GQ magazine...the only part was that it was a little depressing cause he doesnt believe in God
Friend: hmm that is very interesting, i dont know that i wouldve guessed that about him
Me: yeah, there was this quote that he had that i am gonna try and remember/summarize, the mag writer asks him a question and he say he loves writing jokes about religion, politics, and everything under the sun, then he is asked if he is religious at all. He replies that it is great that some people have that to hold onto but he never saw a use/need for it in his life. He has been doing just fine without it but that he can respect people who feel that they need it. i think both he and conan are pretty funny.
Friend: letterman isn't for our generation i dont think. hmm, very interesting...i can't imagine not believing in a God. it would be very weird
Me: I can't even imagine not believing in our god anymore either. like just the feeling of value and worth and joy I have felt and recieved and just the idea of my life being predestined to be awesome cause God chose and knew me before the beginning of time is pretty miraculous. just the idea of me having some small part in seeing God's glory come to pass is sweet. and the idea of being able to help others along, my wife, kids, grandkids someday. and that we can all worship Him together for eternity
Friend: yeah, no kidding. it is AWESOME to think about! It is just sweet.
Me: like I'll be there with you and all our friends!!! totally wow
Friend: :):) can't wait for heaven. still freaks me out a litlte bit to think about.
but it's a good thing
Me: mmmm....heaven
Friend: obiviously
Me: yeah, totally bad analogy but its like trying to think of a 4D object...just can't happen. unless you go to disney and see the muppet show in 3D where they squirt water at you
Friend: it's similar to one of those comparisons that lewis uses in mere christianity. kind of scratches the surface, but not entirely
Me: yeah, for sure. i need to read mere Christianity again
Friend: i reread it right after school ended, and it was really good!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
A Dream
So last night I had one of the most vivid dreams I have ever had. Not only was it a cool dream but I fell asleep peacefully and I work up refreshed and ready to go after only 8 short hours (when normally if I dont have anything going on I might try and sleep for 9 or even 10. But in the beginning of my dream I was at the Jersey shore, but it looked kinda like Atlantic city (just with a really cool beach and boardwalk), but it was the Jersey shore at night in my mind. It seemed like atlantic city because there were tons of big hotels everywhere, but then again i really have only seen pictures of atlantic city and never actually been there. But there were pink, and green, and blue neon lights everywhere and it was just really retro. And I was meeting a friend for Panda Express on the boardwalk mall in order to just hang out on the beach. Well as I was walking there, a bunch of terrorists jump out, out of nowhere an start hitting people with Ford Tauruses and running over everyone in sight. I quickly run out of my hotel room, which was overlooking the street and the nightlife below, and I head down the stairs. I pop out of my pocket a mini-glider like thing (if you have ever seen the cartoon show Tailspin when you were a kid, staring Baloo from the Jungle book, I was riding what his nephew rides through the clouds). So basically I was cruising down the handrails on a skateboard with no wheels, or a really tiny snowboard. And I run out onto the street with all choas breaking loose. Cars are hitting lampposts and there are post office boxes on fire, and people are just running crazy. Well I quickly run into the street and as a terrorist is about to shoot an innocent girl I punch and kick him to steal his gun and then pistol whip him across the face so this girl can get away. I then take his car, which happens to look exactly like my car in real life, and I am quickly driving to the mini mall to meet my friend and make sure that they are okay. Well in my rearview mirror I see there are two old cars (ones that you might see people driving in the movie scarface from the 70s or the 80s similar to the oldsmobile cutlass) and these four guys are chasing me (2 in each car). So I floor it into the parking garage which is at the basement of the mini mall where I crash through the little arm that allows you to park in parking garages even though I throw some change out the window in an attempt to pay for the damage sure to ensue. I look behind me and see in my rearview mirror the attendant running out of his booth as the second of two cars goes careening through the booth with no damage as if it were made of balsa wood. I am driving and dodging pedestrians and cement pillars all throughout the garage while shooting with the gun I took ahead of me (this doesnt really make sense since the guys were behind me in the first place) but I guess some of my bullets ricocheted off their cars anyway. Then I ended up crashing my car into park of the garage that was 3 stories tall and a shootout started. The four bad guys had me pinned down behind my car and were hitting shots all around me. Then I got two good shots and took out two of the guys. But then I saw that they had my friend who I was supposed to meet. So I had to lay down my gun on the top of my car as I get shot in the arm by one of the guys not holding my friend. And so I fist fought the guy who shot me and i ended up getting stabbed in the other arm with a knife but then I forced him to fall on his own knife so it was just one more guy to take out. The last bad guy then pulled his gun off my friend and tried to shoot me when my friend then stepped on his foot to run away of the stairwell and I punched the guy out. I then chased my friend up the stairwell into the streets which then turned into downtown Detroit and my friend suggested that we go to a tigers game instead and as we walked in it was free third base fries night (my favorite ballpark snack from when I lived in Philly...a Philadelphia specialty...basically half of whats contained within a cheesesteak on fries instead of a bun). And so as we grabbed our food to sit down I woke up.
Safe!
I have always been a fan of baseball my entire life. When I was little I would collect all types of sports cards but whenever I had extra money I would always go buy baseball cards over anything else. I actually tallied my cards that I have once and I think I had well over a thousand, maybe even two. My mom has boxes about the height of one baseball card that are approx. 2ft x 3ft wide and long just full of cards and I prolly have 2-3 boxes like this. Then otherwise I really only have a shoebox of NBA/NFL/NHL cards because I really never had gotten into those sports until middle school or even high school. Now, even though baseball has become my distant love, although I love watching the red sox play when i have a free couple of hours (or when they are in town like they are this week) and nothing is better than going to the ballpark with a couple of friends. I was watching baseball highlights on sportscenter today, not sure if they were from today or yesterday, but there was a play when a guy was heading for home from either first or second base and the 2nd baseman (the cut off man) was in the process of throwing home when the runner was only halfway home. The runner ended up colliding into the catcher and was called out because the catcher tagged him without dropping the ball. I was thinking about how what it would be like if this was a metaphor for my life. And I replayed it in my mind. I am rounding third headed for home right as the 2nd basemen, or the world has the ball and knows I am gonna be tagged out, then the ball is thrown home to where the catcher, or the devil is trying to get me, get me in one of my mistakes, or one of my sins, or one of my weaknesses/bad judgement calls from not relying on the third base coach, the holy spirit, and His leadings of wisdom. But when the runner collides with the catcher during the replay....it changes....it completely changes. The Umpire, my Father in Heaven, ended up calling the runner safe....but its not any ordinary runner....its Christ in my place. Christ pinch ran for me so I wouldnt have to. He was called safe so I could be justified in front of my coach, also the Father and in front of my entire team of brothers and sisters in Christ. Now I know it can be kinda cheesy but it is cool that God does this every second of every day for us. He washes out feet clean from all the muck and mud that we walked through that day and gives us a sparkling uniform and life, along with the game winning run that Christ already scored for us. In the midst of the play, in the midst of the heartache, the pain, the darkness, it might seem like we are called out. But if we would just glance toward deep left center field and see the jumbo tron, God is announcing our name and number as bringing home the "W" for our team. The play is safe as Christ declared the victory for me. That in all the tough struggles in life, it is Christ's effort those thousands of years ago that paid the price for me to be firm, safe, and sound in my relationship with others and most importantly....my relationship with him.
Hebrews 4:14
Hebrews 12:2
1 Corinthians 15:53-58
Hebrews 4:14
Hebrews 12:2
1 Corinthians 15:53-58
Monday, June 1, 2009
Contemplation
I'm just not ready for anything and, especially I just dont get that spark that seems so rare and unique. I think thats why i was "putting others down" but not really on purpose. I just need friends now, and really all I think i can handle right now are friends. God is transforming my heart daily and until I feel His tug at my heart and His go ahead, i just feel like i dont have the emotional readiness or the emotional availability to start a relationship. Honestly I feel like now i would settle for the sake of moving on if i were to start again, but at the same time i know that God has someone special there for me, whether we have dated in the past or not. I just long for a girl that to me seems like, "She is just everything that any guy could ever want." I have no idea how i ever have or have had a girl like that, even though it is just a short time in the grand scheme of creation. All i know is that in the future, I need to rely more on God, I need to trust in Him to make those decisions, and I need for him to be my heart instead of giving it to anyone whom I might seem to fancy. It is gonna be hard to be the most vulnerable guy in the whole wide world with her, or with my friends, or even with my Father in Heaven. Its hard not to be still. I teared up a little bit last night on the phone when i talked about when my grandfather died a couple of years back and how i still miss him. I practically had to fight back all my emotion during my graduation dinner and even now just thinking about the fact that he meant so much to me. I need to guard my heart more. I need to not harden it, cause that wouldnt be right, but i need to share as much with friends who are girls as I would with Mallory or Emily, or any other girl that I am ok to decent friends with. And thats what sucks, cause if it wasnt for Brett I dont think i would still be friends with emily (originally, now i know i would be friend with her if God forbid anything were to happen). And if it wasnt for being in a big group of Christian brothers and sisters in Christ i dont think i would have had the chance to be friends with many of the Brody people. And thats just the thing, through Christ I have been able to make all these friends. So i dont know how i am gonna guard my heart and at the same time struggle with being friends as distance increases. I can only hope and pray that God has a bigger plan than all of us, which i know he does. And I can only hope that healing and reconciliation is a small part of that plan. And the only thing I know is that God is going to be the main part of that plan as well.
lying still
It is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel with only pitch blackness all around you. One of my favorite movies is Changing Lanes starring Ben Affleck and Samuel L Jackson. The only problem is that it is a movie that during about 95% of it has two guys trying to destroy each other's lives and then at the very last 5 minutes of the movie they realize it was all just stupid. That the big picture is more than a single dispute, that the big picture is about the history of their lives and about how important their families really are to them. Their loved ones. Those they are close to. I see the best of me and the worst of me in this movie. I try and deal with things on my own, I can be vindictive, I think business can solve anything, I am out for everything. But at the same time, people is where true treasure lies, a good woman next to your side can lead you into new plentiful seasons in your life, joy doesnt come from worldly pursuits, honesty trumps everything. My struggle is with showing people both sides. Because I dont like the first part of it. I hate that part of me. I hate the worldly, sinful part of me. And I dont want to show it to anyone. I dont think anyone can love that part of me. I know they can't. I have experienced that. But I also know that God does amazing things through prayer. He leads me to calm pastures and He transforms me from the inside out. The last 5 minutes of the movie has healing in it and transformation....restoration. I am sick and tired of my entire life feeling like the first 95% of that movie and all I want is to experience that peace for the last 5 minutes of the movie that the characters eventually find. My only prayer is that through my efforts I gain that peace from God before I live 95% of my life.
Ben Affleck quotes from Changing Lanes:
"Sometimes God likes to put two guys in a paper bag and just let 'em rip."
"It's like you go to the beach. You go down to the water. It's a little cold. You're not sure you want to go in. There's a pretty girl standing next to you. She doesn't want to go in either. She sees you, and you know that if you just asked her her name, you would leave with her. Forget your life, whoever you came with, and leave the beach with her. And after that day, you remember. Not every day, every week... she comes back to you. It's the memory of another life you could have had. Today is that girl."
Ben Affleck quotes from Changing Lanes:
"Sometimes God likes to put two guys in a paper bag and just let 'em rip."
"It's like you go to the beach. You go down to the water. It's a little cold. You're not sure you want to go in. There's a pretty girl standing next to you. She doesn't want to go in either. She sees you, and you know that if you just asked her her name, you would leave with her. Forget your life, whoever you came with, and leave the beach with her. And after that day, you remember. Not every day, every week... she comes back to you. It's the memory of another life you could have had. Today is that girl."
Sunday, May 31, 2009
A Compass
Genesis 2:22-23
I wonder what it must have been like for Adam and Eve to experience the level of vulnerability that they did. Up until about three weeks ago I was scarred "shitless" about being vulnerable with anyone. It just didnt feel like it was natural to me, and in a sense it isnt anymore. Adam and Eve experienced something for part of their lives that we can only look forward to in heaven. In this day of being able to change your physical appearance with the slice of a knife or find a spiritual view that fits you best for that situation through church shopping, there isnt a high demand for physical or even spiritual vulnerability. But your emotions, your personality, and who you are to your friends is what is truly worth its weight in gold. Think about Adam and Eve. Naked, in perfect union with God, and really both made directly from the hand of the same creator and from the same essence. Dust. But each had a different role in God's plan. They were there for each other for emotional encouragement. Yes, we can get emotional encouragement from our Father in Heaven and we can feel close to others within a spiritual context of brothers and sisters in Christ, but the emotional vulnerability is what Adam longed for and what God provided for Him. I mean, it must have taken Adam a long time to realize it and thats why God didnt create Eve yet. Adam needed to desire for himself to be that friend, to have that friend, and to serve as a friend to literally his other half. Eve really was part of this transformation as well. Adam's physical body (not in a sexual way) longed for a playful, desirable, friend to live life together and react in a human way (still perfect at this point) to the emotions of being limited by this plain and yet having the desire to worship God "limitlessly" with all that was created here for us. Eve was always there with Adam, albeit as his rib, but she was created from that desire, for that desire of emotional intimacy with God and with Adam.
Within the context of emotions, it is important to realize that it is to be three part balance between the emotional, spiritual, and physical realms that we live in. It is irrelevant whose fault it was that man fell, whether it was the man or the woman, snake or predestined for God's glory to be shone. The point is that it happened. Bad things happen when we dont test our emotional forwardness (of relational commitments) against the spiritual guidance that we have received or are receiving from God. In the same way, if our heart says, "Go put your physical self in unnecessary danger when the simple act of being physically available is more important than the end result of the danger" (see the movie "My Girl" 2001). Dont get me wrong with that last part, I believe that no amount of danger is too much to save the woman you love, but at the same time, to accomplish the winning of her heart should not include taking unnecessary risks that would neither encourage her nor admonish Christ. Very seldom as a man do I feel like I take too many emotional risks, and for certain it is the other way around. There are many different guides that a man can use when making a decision or when seeking guidance, and let it be known that this is simply one way of looking at a situation and does not apply in all cases, nor even in most. But a man's heart sometimes is not his lone compass. "Let your heart be your guide" is often thought of as a fairy tale theme which is often true because as men we are so ADD or ADHD or whatever when it comes to love, friendships, and our spiritual walk. I myself have so many times been caught saying, "Oh, well this no longer benefits me spiritually so it must be God saying I need something else to fill it." When in reality the quality of the sermon or the worship songs selected may not be the reason why I dont feel close to God. And so the trendyness of todays world and the quick fixes of today often leave me distracted from a history of following Christ daily instead of hoping for mountain top experiences. The same goes for love or even friendships. Cedar Pointe, or camping, or fancy dinners, or even vacations are great experiences and highlights of moments shared and vulnerability, but so often they fade into the background of the history of the relationships (friendship or otherwise) and simply are just chalked up as a shared "great" weekend and nothing more. In between these times different compasses smash against the one that God created in our heart to help guide us all our days. Compasses like career advancement, worldly pleasures (drugs, sex, booze, rock and roll), and even things like busyness and the calamity of the everyday life. These "guides" smash against our compass and demagnetize it. They leave us confused and heading in circles asking, "why arent i growing closer to him or her or God?" And its only when we realize that while everything seems alright on the outside, it is when we look at the fine-tuned heart that God gave each of us that we find our true solution. Each day, we must ask God for a new heart in Him. A new heart with a new compass, or rather the old one. The compass that leads us to the the desire for a relationship with God and a relationship with others. A passion for beauty, for art, for life, and for vulnerability. A strength that comes with knowing that my heart is from God and that my value comes from God. For so many times we can feel that our physical or spiritual destiny can be turned on and off and we dont realize that our emotional fortitude is actually the strongest yet. Our emotional strength comes from a compass that points at the heart of God and it is in God's heart that we find our true calling and our true destiny. That when we follow God's true north, or rather get back on track with His true north, everything that he brings across our path or brings us back to is from Him alone. No burning bushes, no holy light illuminating a direction, just obedience leading to unseen blessings of a life full of Him. For when we give up our own self-esteem and become truly vulnerable with others, then we learn that we have our Father God's-esteem.
http://www.goxplore.net/guides/Compass
I wonder what it must have been like for Adam and Eve to experience the level of vulnerability that they did. Up until about three weeks ago I was scarred "shitless" about being vulnerable with anyone. It just didnt feel like it was natural to me, and in a sense it isnt anymore. Adam and Eve experienced something for part of their lives that we can only look forward to in heaven. In this day of being able to change your physical appearance with the slice of a knife or find a spiritual view that fits you best for that situation through church shopping, there isnt a high demand for physical or even spiritual vulnerability. But your emotions, your personality, and who you are to your friends is what is truly worth its weight in gold. Think about Adam and Eve. Naked, in perfect union with God, and really both made directly from the hand of the same creator and from the same essence. Dust. But each had a different role in God's plan. They were there for each other for emotional encouragement. Yes, we can get emotional encouragement from our Father in Heaven and we can feel close to others within a spiritual context of brothers and sisters in Christ, but the emotional vulnerability is what Adam longed for and what God provided for Him. I mean, it must have taken Adam a long time to realize it and thats why God didnt create Eve yet. Adam needed to desire for himself to be that friend, to have that friend, and to serve as a friend to literally his other half. Eve really was part of this transformation as well. Adam's physical body (not in a sexual way) longed for a playful, desirable, friend to live life together and react in a human way (still perfect at this point) to the emotions of being limited by this plain and yet having the desire to worship God "limitlessly" with all that was created here for us. Eve was always there with Adam, albeit as his rib, but she was created from that desire, for that desire of emotional intimacy with God and with Adam.
Within the context of emotions, it is important to realize that it is to be three part balance between the emotional, spiritual, and physical realms that we live in. It is irrelevant whose fault it was that man fell, whether it was the man or the woman, snake or predestined for God's glory to be shone. The point is that it happened. Bad things happen when we dont test our emotional forwardness (of relational commitments) against the spiritual guidance that we have received or are receiving from God. In the same way, if our heart says, "Go put your physical self in unnecessary danger when the simple act of being physically available is more important than the end result of the danger" (see the movie "My Girl" 2001). Dont get me wrong with that last part, I believe that no amount of danger is too much to save the woman you love, but at the same time, to accomplish the winning of her heart should not include taking unnecessary risks that would neither encourage her nor admonish Christ. Very seldom as a man do I feel like I take too many emotional risks, and for certain it is the other way around. There are many different guides that a man can use when making a decision or when seeking guidance, and let it be known that this is simply one way of looking at a situation and does not apply in all cases, nor even in most. But a man's heart sometimes is not his lone compass. "Let your heart be your guide" is often thought of as a fairy tale theme which is often true because as men we are so ADD or ADHD or whatever when it comes to love, friendships, and our spiritual walk. I myself have so many times been caught saying, "Oh, well this no longer benefits me spiritually so it must be God saying I need something else to fill it." When in reality the quality of the sermon or the worship songs selected may not be the reason why I dont feel close to God. And so the trendyness of todays world and the quick fixes of today often leave me distracted from a history of following Christ daily instead of hoping for mountain top experiences. The same goes for love or even friendships. Cedar Pointe, or camping, or fancy dinners, or even vacations are great experiences and highlights of moments shared and vulnerability, but so often they fade into the background of the history of the relationships (friendship or otherwise) and simply are just chalked up as a shared "great" weekend and nothing more. In between these times different compasses smash against the one that God created in our heart to help guide us all our days. Compasses like career advancement, worldly pleasures (drugs, sex, booze, rock and roll), and even things like busyness and the calamity of the everyday life. These "guides" smash against our compass and demagnetize it. They leave us confused and heading in circles asking, "why arent i growing closer to him or her or God?" And its only when we realize that while everything seems alright on the outside, it is when we look at the fine-tuned heart that God gave each of us that we find our true solution. Each day, we must ask God for a new heart in Him. A new heart with a new compass, or rather the old one. The compass that leads us to the the desire for a relationship with God and a relationship with others. A passion for beauty, for art, for life, and for vulnerability. A strength that comes with knowing that my heart is from God and that my value comes from God. For so many times we can feel that our physical or spiritual destiny can be turned on and off and we dont realize that our emotional fortitude is actually the strongest yet. Our emotional strength comes from a compass that points at the heart of God and it is in God's heart that we find our true calling and our true destiny. That when we follow God's true north, or rather get back on track with His true north, everything that he brings across our path or brings us back to is from Him alone. No burning bushes, no holy light illuminating a direction, just obedience leading to unseen blessings of a life full of Him. For when we give up our own self-esteem and become truly vulnerable with others, then we learn that we have our Father God's-esteem.
http://www.goxplore.net/guides/Compass
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Experiences Desired
I was like super busy for the last month of school. It as really, really exciting and yet really, really stressful. I had to make many sacrifices, some I regret and some I don’t. Priorities have always been a tough thing for me to struggle with. I think that’s why it has always been so important to me to surround myself with others around me, to build me up, to hold me accountable. I know I’m not strong enough to do this on my own, to live my life on my own. My first accountability comes from God, currently my second accountability comes from my brothers in Christ and my friends, and then thirdly my support and accountability has been my family. I would consider myself close to my family but I feel like I struggle with so many trust issues that come from that third part of accountability. I have been taught that you can’t really count on anyone. That you can’t really trust all you have with anyone. And that the best you can do is hope that God picks up the pieces. I know this not to be true. I know that God is bigger than simply a vacuum. My relationship with God is so much bigger than just letting God sweep up crap in my life. He is the glue that holds my life together. God is the passion in my life, the love that holds me close and the love that ignites my heart. My personality (good and bad) might come from my family, but my destiny within the hands of my Lord Jesus Christ. My joy comes from Him alone and the strength that I train for; physical, emotional, spiritual strength, all of it comes from my Lord. At the same time that my heart is strong, I need to make sure that it is the reflection of a humble, friendly, loving God. His joy should be my joy! As John Eldridge says in W@H, God’s goal is about “restoring a Godly dream in the soul of a man. A desire to truly be a man, rather than a softened-neutered-nice-but-restrained-guy that the world has somehow dictated that Christian males should be.” I often get confused at to what I might think one person whats, what a friend wants, what God wants; when in reality I have learned that all I can do is open my heart to new experiences and to new joys. To be vulnerable is what it is like to truly live. God will take care of the details, and with Him in my life; all the other pieces will come together according to His wisdom.
New Experiences according to God’s plan and timing I hope to accomplish in the next few weeks, months, years (hopefully more than once):
Play lots of Euchre and learn new card games
Skydiving
Camping-often
Scubadiving
Parasailing
Surfing
Sailing
Backpacking in Colorado
Going Snowboarding again…but on fresh powder this time
Visit Europe
Live abroad (not for a while though)
Dance for more than 30 min in a summer rain
Eagle a Par 5 golf hole
Learn to play the guitar
Take and “pass” the GMAT
Encourage others
Grow toward God daily
Be a better friend
Show that I can be a friend within aspects of relationships
Get married (only once)
Live Boldly
New Experiences according to God’s plan and timing I hope to accomplish in the next few weeks, months, years (hopefully more than once):
Play lots of Euchre and learn new card games
Skydiving
Camping-often
Scubadiving
Parasailing
Surfing
Sailing
Backpacking in Colorado
Going Snowboarding again…but on fresh powder this time
Visit Europe
Live abroad (not for a while though)
Dance for more than 30 min in a summer rain
Eagle a Par 5 golf hole
Learn to play the guitar
Take and “pass” the GMAT
Encourage others
Grow toward God daily
Be a better friend
Show that I can be a friend within aspects of relationships
Get married (only once)
Live Boldly
IBM
Last night at Brett's brother's high school graduation party three different people made reference that I should have taken the much higher paying job with IBM instead of P&G but one guy said I had made the right choice. I just don't understand how two of those people who claim to be following Christ can ask me or suggest to me to undergo a consulting lifestyle that will not allow me to be connected as well to a home church, or family, or have any decent relationships near where I am living. What prolly really bothered me the most is that one of the people suggested that I should have been thinking of my career instead of my past relationships when making a decision. I personally love the fact I am gonna be with P&G and the fact that I still stand 100% by the decision that I made. I just dont know if I am gonna be ready for the forces coming against me when it comes to this new career path where I am gonna have little to no support group in Cincinnati at first and I am afraid for how strong my support group is going to be outside of that as half of it is leaving Lansing for across the country and the other half is back in Lansing but I may only see them once a month or once every other month. I know I made the right decision but I also know that I am gonna need a ton of support from God as my only true daily bread.
http://www.myutmost.org/
http://www.myutmost.org/
Depths
When I was in late middle school and all throughout highschool the one song that resounded most strongly with my Christian walk was "Did you feel the mountains tremble". So often in my life I have needed that overpowering wave of strength in my life that I have tried to fill with so many other things. It would always be so reassuring to just get swept away in the tide of God. To feel the power of the ocean thunder past me like the rainstorm flooding across a plain. I guess one of the best illustrations I have ever seen/heard was from Rob Bell's first Nooma called rain. Now you can say what you want about Rob Bell and his methods, but in truth, the videos are about assisting others in connecting with God, which is what we all need to do. Sometimes I feel like I am just running through a forest, the choas of life, when a little rain drop falls, then another, then another. Pretty soon I am in a downpour when I can't even see in front of me and I dont know where I'm going. I am sure I am backtracking, if even I knew where I was supposed to be going. I often have felt like I just want to stop moving all together, that wandering wont do me any good. I just need some guidance through the storm of life. Through the aloneness of life. The strength that comes from God is such an overpowering and yet subtle strength. Its the strength of controlling the lightning and thunder, and yet the mere whisper of God and of His perfect plan allows the tallest tip of Everest to shudder in His presence. It is that reminder that while God is scary and the tests of life that are scary, that is when we need to remember that He is always with us and carrying us through the junk and crap, and storms of life. With some of my brothers in Christ during Bible study this past week we discussed how so often we can look back at our lives and praise God about how apparent he was during those hard times and how He was leading us right back to our sweet spot in His arms the entire time. That all the pain and scariness of life, while not needing to be avoided, could have been a lot easier had we stopped fighting His loving arms to carry us through it all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRfoVc3zCa4
Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar?
When the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ, the risen One
Did you feel the people tremble?
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ, the Saving One
And we can see that
God You’re moving
A mighty river through the nations
And young and old will turn to Jesus
Fling wide you heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord
Open up the doors
Let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing
Songs that bring Your hope
Songs that bring Your joy
Dancers who dance
Upon injustice
Do you feel the darkness tremble?
When all the saints join in one song
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our brokenness
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRfoVc3zCa4
Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar?
When the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ, the risen One
Did you feel the people tremble?
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ, the Saving One
And we can see that
God You’re moving
A mighty river through the nations
And young and old will turn to Jesus
Fling wide you heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord
Open up the doors
Let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing
Songs that bring Your hope
Songs that bring Your joy
Dancers who dance
Upon injustice
Do you feel the darkness tremble?
When all the saints join in one song
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our brokenness
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