Contemplation

I'm just not ready for anything and, especially I just dont get that spark that seems so rare and unique. I think thats why i was "putting others down" but not really on purpose. I just need friends now, and really all I think i can handle right now are friends. God is transforming my heart daily and until I feel His tug at my heart and His go ahead, i just feel like i dont have the emotional readiness or the emotional availability to start a relationship. Honestly I feel like now i would settle for the sake of moving on if i were to start again, but at the same time i know that God has someone special there for me, whether we have dated in the past or not. I just long for a girl that to me seems like, "She is just everything that any guy could ever want." I have no idea how i ever have or have had a girl like that, even though it is just a short time in the grand scheme of creation. All i know is that in the future, I need to rely more on God, I need to trust in Him to make those decisions, and I need for him to be my heart instead of giving it to anyone whom I might seem to fancy. It is gonna be hard to be the most vulnerable guy in the whole wide world with her, or with my friends, or even with my Father in Heaven. Its hard not to be still. I teared up a little bit last night on the phone when i talked about when my grandfather died a couple of years back and how i still miss him. I practically had to fight back all my emotion during my graduation dinner and even now just thinking about the fact that he meant so much to me. I need to guard my heart more. I need to not harden it, cause that wouldnt be right, but i need to share as much with friends who are girls as I would with Mallory or Emily, or any other girl that I am ok to decent friends with. And thats what sucks, cause if it wasnt for Brett I dont think i would still be friends with emily (originally, now i know i would be friend with her if God forbid anything were to happen). And if it wasnt for being in a big group of Christian brothers and sisters in Christ i dont think i would have had the chance to be friends with many of the Brody people. And thats just the thing, through Christ I have been able to make all these friends. So i dont know how i am gonna guard my heart and at the same time struggle with being friends as distance increases. I can only hope and pray that God has a bigger plan than all of us, which i know he does. And I can only hope that healing and reconciliation is a small part of that plan. And the only thing I know is that God is going to be the main part of that plan as well.