Matters

Psalm 42

Psalm 46

I feel like I have served myself and all my selfish desire for so long. My joy has been nothing but fleeting and my heart has been anything but loving. I have only really experienced perfect love through God alone but for so long I denied it. I passed it off, and with it I passed on all the blessings that He had sought to give me. My pride got in the way of His plan for my life, or what He was allowing for my life. I was scarred at what it seemed like life could be and now it is no more. How many times a day do I pass by God's blessings, His opportunities. There are so many amazing things in life that I am "too tired for" or "too scared to do" or "too afraid or embarrassed to say". I want it to be no more. I long for the confidence in God that only truly comes from Him. Its not that I need to know or want to know what God's plan is for my life, I just want to know that it is amazing. I want to share it with amazing Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Yes, I get the chance to speak to tons of friends for half hours or even hours a day but those guys dont get to see what i see. What truly makes relationships meaningful is not commonalities, its shared experiences. I want my friends to see what i see. I want to experience what they experience back in EL, or LA, or Minny. It just seems so right that I would have the ability to share with them, but unfortunately Cincy isnt that big of a draw from a "killer weekend" standpoint. Thats just all the more reason I want to take advantage of all the opportunities that I do have before I lose anymore forever. I want to be able to use all this energy I have for others. I want to make friends here in Cincy with people that matter. I want to make a difference by being a friend to all these people who I am just meeting and give them back so much of what they have already given me.

Sometimes I feel so constrained though. I want to be better friends with some people or spend more time with even others still but schedules dont allow it, circumstances dont allow it, or even just the face that priorities dont allow it. Sometimes it just seems like I'm on a different page than i want to be. I want to be on the next page or even pages years ago. Not that I have that many regrets, but i have some. And not that I dont want to live in the moment, but sometimes it seems like more exciting times are ahead ya know? It just seems like in the midst of my spiritual growth, i have such a conflict about what matters most. I want the here and now to matter but sometimes its just so frustrating whats going on. But is a crazy awesome circle, everything that makes me anxious, or sad, or longing for more just drives me back to God, which in turn allows me to have more growth in the future. It seems like the walls are caving in sometimes but then other times feel as though there is so much life in spite of the sorrow. It is because of my realization each and every day for a savior that i even have the opportunities to live free. That because of my utter need for God I can be set free for other things. Because while I have so many other passions in addition to God, He is the one that matters. And with that, I can now lay down those other passions at the feet, of the throne of Christ where I can truly be given them right back again. It is not till i give something up and God heals me of my unclean, unfocused, unGodly desire; that I am able to start moving forward with my life and with the blessing that from thence forth, my actions will be aligned with those of our Father.