Recently (the last month or so and definitely over the past week), I have been challenged to step up, to give it my all, and to be a God fearing man like those of my brothers David, Joshua, Timothy, and Paul of the past. I dont want to settle and at the same time I dont want to just grow a little bit personally, in my relationships, and in my service to God. So I got to thinking, what does it take to be God's man? (and to be completely honest, I was listening to a country station and the song "What It Takes" by Adam Gregory came on and I said to myself, how many times do i actually ask God this?...dont get me wrong, I need plenty of help/time to ask this question within the same reference of the song, but if I am truly asking God this....wont I get the answer to that question too?) So here is the start of some of the things I have identified that I need to actively work on....with God, with others, and even just learning by observing those who God has placed in my life!
>I need to be a role model, even when its tough (1 Peter 2:12 "Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us."): I want to be a man worthy of respect. Not that I am seeking the praise of men, but that other men and women can look at my life and want what I have. I want to make it such that my friends, my family, whomever I interact with can be proud and feel a sense of completeness when i am around. I want those in my life to be excited when i am around and i want to get to know others in my life or those not in my life in such a way that they are first and foremost getting to know Christ in me, that this is the most attractive part of me.
>I need to challenge others around me based on what I see them going through or what i have personally grown through (Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another."): I want to be able to remind other people about what they are good at, what I appreciate about them, and even just reminding them to do and take advantage of those things that God has gifted them with in their lives. I want to be able to look into the lives of my friends and family that God has put in my life and see where i can personally challenge them to go further. And if i cant see into that specific person's life or i feel like they arent showing me/dont want me to....too bad because i have found and learned that getting rejected or feeling abandoned is worth the price of getting to know that one person that much better.
>I desire to try new things and explore new areas in my own life and in those who God has placed in my life...and I need to foster this experience daily (Psalm 139:8 "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there."): I have realized that i dont get bored easily. That some of the best parts/times in my life are just enjoying the here and now and that i dont need to be looking forward to what the next big thing is or what exciting thing might be planned. Because i know that if i am focusing in on God in my life, if I am trusting God with all my relationships and if i am helping others do the same, then i am truly living the most exciting life that God has planned for me. Now that being said, i really like, no love; the State of Michigan. I do miss my family being down here with very few people I know and I do miss my friends as well. But at the same time, I am embracing what this experience could open up for me next. I had originally hoped (back in December '08) that I would work for a little while and take a job overseas, quit and become a missionary wherever that might have been with my wife. Or maybe quit and become a youth pastor. Or quit and become a supply chain professional for a non-profit. Who knows. Similar to the fact that I long to challenge others, i kept these feelings, these dreams bottled up inside because i felt like no one wanted to hear them, i felt like it wasnt the right time, or that I personally was too scared that by saying it outloud, it might actually lead me to mockery by those around me.
>Be bold and take risks - at work, with my new friends, with my older/closer friends, and whenever i get the chance (Acts 4:31 "After they prayed, the place where they were meeting was shaken. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke the word of God boldly."): While I have been fairly successful at this due to the spiritual gifts that God has granted me, I still need to be vigilant when it comes to reaching and stretching to my full potential. Yes, if God made it clear to me through my heart, through a friend, through His Word, or through circumstances; I would drop all that I am doing and move wherever to become a missionary. But at the same time, where my mission field is today is equally, if not more important. Like the parable of the talents, I need to be responsible with what God has given me today and not frivolously spend it away or hide it away for no one to see. When it comes to knowing that my boss is here over the weekend with no one else, I should invite him to church. When it comes to the friend that I have had for what seems like forever that has no one to share the gospel with him, I will share will him even if it means rejection. And similarly, the responsibilities that God may, or may not give me with a woman to pursue and eventually marry in the future, my responsibility to lead the relationship in a Christ-centered fashion will be my number one priority. And with that, the joys, the excitement, and yes....the struggles of making sure that each individual is seeking God to their fullest....is where continual boldness, prayer, and strength will need to come from me at the same time as being encouraged by the two.
>I need to know my priorities (Nehemiah 8:8 "They read from the Book of the Law of God, making it clear and giving the meaning so that the people could understand what was being read."): It is important that I not only know what is most important in my life (God, Family....including what will be my family/inlaw family one day, Friends / bros&sisters in Christ, those I dont know....and the rest just isnt on the radar). If my God, my family, my friends called for me to leave my job, I would leave it in a second. If my joy or my time was being taken up by something that was nothing then I would hope those in my life would see it before it was too late and correct it. Because truly, my life, my real priorities and passions are those laid out within His law to the extent that I am but a young man trying to learn it daily.
>I need to speak truth in love and even love in love (Romans 1:12 "that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith."): I want to recognize those around me for who they are in Christ. And I want to praise those good things that God has brought into their lives that I am able to see, because even if i am not a part of it, to be able to even see God moving is encouragement enough as I know that it is God moving boldly in the lives of His people then. Within that same breath, I long to share with those I care about deeply, why I do in fact care about them or even love them. I desire to leave nothing to guessing and I want to give each of my breaths for each of my days to acknowledge how important that person is in my life and how much more i look forward to getting to know them....even amongst members of my own family.
>I want so badly to save others - those I love, and the widows and orphans of the world (1 Samuel 20:4 "Jonathan said to David, "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do for you." & James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."): If it means putting my own life at risk, if means giving up those temporary worldly things that I seek to give up anyway, if it means swimming again the current of the world to live under God's waterfall of love...so be it! I long to do what is contrary to the world. It is a struggle for me to see and hear of other Christians here where i live or others that i know from other places that do not give their "tithe" of their time, money, or talents to God for all of the blessings that He has given them. It is especially discouraging to me in knowing that i am even put down for giving myself to God as a spiritual sacrifice to Him.
>I want to get down (not meaning on the dance floor), but literally on my knees daily (Daniel 6:10 "Now when Daniel learned that the decree had been published, he went home to his upstairs room where the windows opened toward Jerusalem. Three times a day he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before."): Prayer is my recognizing that God is bigger than myself and He controls my destiny and and not me. In the same way, I need to get down on my knees and physically represent what my soul is seeking. For as I act out with my own body, so too does my heart and my soul "buy-in" to the goodness and glory of God's plan for my life! That my life and all my actions might be a physical representation of worship for my Lord.
>I want to do what it takes to train myself to be a man of integrity (1 Corinthians 3:2 "I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready."): I have so many vices that I need help with, that i need to work on, that i need to daily lay down and Christ's feet and that i need those in my life to hold me accountable to. I need to daily as all men do, recognize that God's plan for physical purity in or out of a relationship (but in particularly within). Equally so, I need to give myself up to God in my taming of my tongue (James 3:1-12) when it comes to speaking the truth and when it comes to speaking grace/love in truth. In one sense I have been blessed with a great gift of linguistics to benefit those around me in how i can describe things exactly as i see them. Unfortunately more often than not I do not make it enough of a priority to discipline myself in speech such that I only say what is true or what i am seeking God's promises to be true in the future. More often than not I am speaking of things in a way i wish they were with regards to a mistake or i am speaking to things in a way that I hope they turn out instead of seeking the help of those around me throughout the process. And lastly (although not lastly but for now), I need to continue to seek God's grace in the social/party scene that comes with college and post college social groups. That when it comes to socializing, I am to be acting like Christ's representative and that this really isnt my home. So often I forget about that and it does blow my mind sometimes...that I am to be helping to improve this world even though it will all fade away....
So in these tough situations, in these times that I am called to be a man, in these times that I called to be in the world and not of the world. John 15:19
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Friday, September 11, 2009
Meaningless
There are tough realizations everywhere you, everywhere I look. Why is it that those who have everything seem to still want more? Why is it that the simplest life in remote areas of Guatemala or Ethiopia are the most fulfilled and yet by our standards so poor? I look at this immense amount of pain and meaninglessness that surrounds my life that I long to reach out to it and help those around me but I dont want to be sucked in. I thought a while ago that I was strong enough all by my own and make a difference with just me. But I need God. I need others. I need prayer and humility. Being just one small part of what God wants to do in the world might seem insignificant but to those who really matter in life its so much more. Its not about isolation into the problem but inclusion of those with a problem. I long to passionately come alongside those in need in my city or even county or state and meet them where they are and just befriend them. And excitedly wait for God to work.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Get Up & Win the Race
Quit! Give up! You're beaten! They shout out and plead. There's just too much against you now. This time you can't succeed! And as I start to hang my head, in front of failure's face, my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race. And hope refills my weakened will as I recall that scene; for just the thought of that short race rejuvenates my being. A children's race- young boys, young men; how I remember well. Excitement, sure, but also fear; it wasn't hard to tell. They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race. Or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place. And fathers watched from off the side each cheering for his son. And each boy hoped to show his dad that he would be the one. The whistle blew and off the went! Young hearts and hopes afire. To win, to be the hero there was each young boy's desire. And one boy in particular whose dad was in the crowd, was running near the lead and thought, my dad will be so proud. But as he speeded down the field across a shallow dip, the little boy who thought to win lost his step and slipped. Trying hard to catch himself his hands flew out to brace, and mid the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face. So down he fell and with him hope he couldn't win it now- embarrassed, sad, he only wished to disappear somehow. But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face, which to the boy so clearly said: get up and win the race! He quickly rose, no damage done behind a bit, that’s all- and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall. So anxious to restore himself to catch up and to win his mind went faster than his legs; he slipped and fell again! He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace. I'm hopeless as a runner now; I shouldn't try to race. But in the laughing crowd he searched and found his father's face. That steady look which said again: get up and win the race! So he jumped up to try again. Ten yards behind the last- If I'm to gain those yards, he thought, I've got to move real fast. Exerting everything he had, he gained eight or ten, but trying so hard to catch the lead he slipped and fell again! Defeat! He lay there silently a tear dropped from his eye- there's no sense running anymore: three strikes I'm out, why try? The will to rise had disappeared all hope had fled away; so far behind, so error-prone: a loser all the way. I've lost, so what's the use, he though. I'll live with my disgrace. But then he thought about his dad who soon he'd have to face. Get up, an echo sounded low. Get up and take your place. You were not meant for failure here. Get up and win the race. With borrowed will, get up, it said you haven't lost at all, for winning is not more than this: to rise each time you fall. So up he rose to win once more, and with a new commit he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn't quit. So far behind the other now. The most he'd ever been- still he gave it all he had and ran as though to win. Three times he'd fallen stumbling: three times he'd rose again. Too far behind to hope to win he still ran to the end. They cheered the winning runner as he crossed first place, head high and proud and happy; no falling, no disgrace. But when the fallen youngster crossed the line, last place, the crowd gave him the greater cheer for finishing the race. And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud, you would have thought he won the race to listen to the crowd. And to his dad he sadly said, I didn’t do so well. To me you won, his father said. You rose each time you fell. And when things seem dark and hard and difficult to face, the memory of that little boy helps me in my race. For all of life is like that race. With ups and downs and all. And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall. Quit! Give up, you're beaten! They still shout in my face, but another voice within me says: GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!
-Author Unknown
I was looking for this poem in February but I couldnt find it till now. I dont know why I just found it but it is probably one of the most inspiring poems I have ever read. It was originally shared with me three years back by my co-counselor at Spring Hill and just now have I discovered it for the second time. It would have been cool to have been able to share it with my counselors when I was an AD, or with my friend when they were worried about losing "that fire" on the way back from a missions trip. But it is so awesome that I have found it. Sure, everything happens for a reason but i dont know if I actually lived that way up until this summer. In other words, I want everything I do to bring glory to God and if everything happens for a reason than I want everything that are my "happenings" to be encouraging to those I love and care about. Friends, family, and really anyone I interact with. It is a really weird feeling I get when i wake up at 6am to go for a jog and end up praying for people I that i dont even know if i will interact with. Just that everything i do that day would bring God glory. It is a really, really, really humbling feeling to know that not only can I make a difference but God calls/challenges me to everyday. That even those bad days that I sometimes have there is no strike three. HE DOESNT GIVE UP ON ME. He sees me at my worst, he seems me during those times of depression, even those times when i am all alone and abandoned for months at a time....but He doesnt leave me. He is still cheering me on from the sidelines and even at times it feels like He is even moving my feet, one in front of the other, when i just dont have the strength to move them myself. That strength He provides, that rest that turns to joy is so unbelievably awesome and so unbelievably amazing. It is pure joy to be in my Father's presence and I even dance and sing/speak poetry from my heart because He has enabled me. This fire that burns inside me and calls out to those around me. I want to share with everyone this joy i have. I want to high five and hug and dance with my friends in front of the Lord. I want to finally be the man that I thought should have been caged up for so long because it wasnt a "worldly masculinity". And even though for a few short times, the fiery flash that is the Spirit inside me did come out, it couldve been so much more. And now my goal is to be a man worthy of respect. To my friends, to family, and eventually to my family that i will start one day. No holding back. No censorship. I want to be more authentic than anyone has ever been before, wear my heart on my sleeve, and to be called a man of honor because of the honor and respect I show for my Lord, the LORD. And then, out of my faith will pour good works, and my joy will be the sight of His face.
Romans 2:5-11
Psalm 22 (especially v. 19-31)
-Author Unknown
I was looking for this poem in February but I couldnt find it till now. I dont know why I just found it but it is probably one of the most inspiring poems I have ever read. It was originally shared with me three years back by my co-counselor at Spring Hill and just now have I discovered it for the second time. It would have been cool to have been able to share it with my counselors when I was an AD, or with my friend when they were worried about losing "that fire" on the way back from a missions trip. But it is so awesome that I have found it. Sure, everything happens for a reason but i dont know if I actually lived that way up until this summer. In other words, I want everything I do to bring glory to God and if everything happens for a reason than I want everything that are my "happenings" to be encouraging to those I love and care about. Friends, family, and really anyone I interact with. It is a really weird feeling I get when i wake up at 6am to go for a jog and end up praying for people I that i dont even know if i will interact with. Just that everything i do that day would bring God glory. It is a really, really, really humbling feeling to know that not only can I make a difference but God calls/challenges me to everyday. That even those bad days that I sometimes have there is no strike three. HE DOESNT GIVE UP ON ME. He sees me at my worst, he seems me during those times of depression, even those times when i am all alone and abandoned for months at a time....but He doesnt leave me. He is still cheering me on from the sidelines and even at times it feels like He is even moving my feet, one in front of the other, when i just dont have the strength to move them myself. That strength He provides, that rest that turns to joy is so unbelievably awesome and so unbelievably amazing. It is pure joy to be in my Father's presence and I even dance and sing/speak poetry from my heart because He has enabled me. This fire that burns inside me and calls out to those around me. I want to share with everyone this joy i have. I want to high five and hug and dance with my friends in front of the Lord. I want to finally be the man that I thought should have been caged up for so long because it wasnt a "worldly masculinity". And even though for a few short times, the fiery flash that is the Spirit inside me did come out, it couldve been so much more. And now my goal is to be a man worthy of respect. To my friends, to family, and eventually to my family that i will start one day. No holding back. No censorship. I want to be more authentic than anyone has ever been before, wear my heart on my sleeve, and to be called a man of honor because of the honor and respect I show for my Lord, the LORD. And then, out of my faith will pour good works, and my joy will be the sight of His face.
Romans 2:5-11
Psalm 22 (especially v. 19-31)
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
My #3 and #4 "attempts" to get into poetry
a hope – by JR
For all that surrounds me is full of light,
And this darkness I saw has taken flight,
My passionate heart is ready to fight,
For the good that is God to do what’s right.
The life flows mighty like the angels’ throng,
And it is within God’s will to my heart belong,
His Spirit has put within me a joyous song,
Because of Christ’s blood I do belong.
All day and night t’was me He did chase,
Though I ran so far I could not keep pace,
But now His strength is shown through grace,
As I lie safely here in His warm embrace.
No longer free to chase the world’s coin,
Not leaving to wander, head out, be goin’,
Now to His lone purpose I have adjoin,
Even still as it feels a punch in the groin.
Those loving arms ‘round me do hug,
Tis true His blessings o’er fill my jug,
To sit idly by as if a mere slug,
Would be to dismiss grace with a simply shrug.
I felt the stinging pain of being alone,
To be on my own; with no one to phone,
Still through my loss was He still shown,
Then carry me through my rock; my stone.
From my selfish desires I am called to flee,
All of them I now nail to that hor’ble tree,
Calling out my one desire and plea,
That one day in heaven he remember me.
It is only my Savior that does me entice,
He makes my heart scramble; its not precise,
Paying it once for all He endured the price,
So one day I would be with Him in paradise.
Prayers offered to break down ev’ry wall,
One day before Jesus all peoples will fall,
The whole earth will then been enthrall,
At the banquet of the Lamb in His great hall.
08/03/09 10:15pm
a place in me awaiting – by JR
The mountains bow to your notorious,
And immense peace give rest to laborious,
Through your strength I’m made victorious,
Still praising your lone name glorious.
I come down to refresh by your river,
His Spirit flows down the valley to deliver,
Still the intensity continues to form a quiver,
But all things lovely come from the giver.
Oft times my anger turns to aggression,
Simply longing for my unique expression,
Hoping tobe faithful; to avoid secession,
From my old ways recoil the regression.
To watch and sit idly by the edge lake,
Not to jump in as the thought of risk does quake,
My innermost parts for my prides own sake,
Not knowing what truly could be at stake.
But something stirs me deep inside as it calls,
Breaking down each; ev’ry of my heart walls,
Such beauty that makes me want to grow balls,
And be drenched under mercy’s waterfalls.
The peril is worth it though it shalt be bloody,
Yet through a day’s training I haft been made ruddy,
Glanced toward ev’ry verse; each line I study,
So no regrets might mock me as duddy.
Bearing across weeds, muck, and field,
Knowing to no one but God shall I yield,
Gripping tightly my sword; my helmet; my shield,
Once ‘gain my soul he hath healed.
A new man daily in me doth be making,
Although it is my heart He is shaking,
Laying down my pride, my wills they are breaking,
Knowing all my desire is His for the taking.
Till all that remains is a whisper, not loud,
Not a single voice calling out from a crowd,
Just me a poor boy; longing freedom and vowed,
Till He might come again majestic upon a cloud.
08/04/09 – 8:21pm
For all that surrounds me is full of light,
And this darkness I saw has taken flight,
My passionate heart is ready to fight,
For the good that is God to do what’s right.
The life flows mighty like the angels’ throng,
And it is within God’s will to my heart belong,
His Spirit has put within me a joyous song,
Because of Christ’s blood I do belong.
All day and night t’was me He did chase,
Though I ran so far I could not keep pace,
But now His strength is shown through grace,
As I lie safely here in His warm embrace.
No longer free to chase the world’s coin,
Not leaving to wander, head out, be goin’,
Now to His lone purpose I have adjoin,
Even still as it feels a punch in the groin.
Those loving arms ‘round me do hug,
Tis true His blessings o’er fill my jug,
To sit idly by as if a mere slug,
Would be to dismiss grace with a simply shrug.
I felt the stinging pain of being alone,
To be on my own; with no one to phone,
Still through my loss was He still shown,
Then carry me through my rock; my stone.
From my selfish desires I am called to flee,
All of them I now nail to that hor’ble tree,
Calling out my one desire and plea,
That one day in heaven he remember me.
It is only my Savior that does me entice,
He makes my heart scramble; its not precise,
Paying it once for all He endured the price,
So one day I would be with Him in paradise.
Prayers offered to break down ev’ry wall,
One day before Jesus all peoples will fall,
The whole earth will then been enthrall,
At the banquet of the Lamb in His great hall.
08/03/09 10:15pm
a place in me awaiting – by JR
The mountains bow to your notorious,
And immense peace give rest to laborious,
Through your strength I’m made victorious,
Still praising your lone name glorious.
I come down to refresh by your river,
His Spirit flows down the valley to deliver,
Still the intensity continues to form a quiver,
But all things lovely come from the giver.
Oft times my anger turns to aggression,
Simply longing for my unique expression,
Hoping tobe faithful; to avoid secession,
From my old ways recoil the regression.
To watch and sit idly by the edge lake,
Not to jump in as the thought of risk does quake,
My innermost parts for my prides own sake,
Not knowing what truly could be at stake.
But something stirs me deep inside as it calls,
Breaking down each; ev’ry of my heart walls,
Such beauty that makes me want to grow balls,
And be drenched under mercy’s waterfalls.
The peril is worth it though it shalt be bloody,
Yet through a day’s training I haft been made ruddy,
Glanced toward ev’ry verse; each line I study,
So no regrets might mock me as duddy.
Bearing across weeds, muck, and field,
Knowing to no one but God shall I yield,
Gripping tightly my sword; my helmet; my shield,
Once ‘gain my soul he hath healed.
A new man daily in me doth be making,
Although it is my heart He is shaking,
Laying down my pride, my wills they are breaking,
Knowing all my desire is His for the taking.
Till all that remains is a whisper, not loud,
Not a single voice calling out from a crowd,
Just me a poor boy; longing freedom and vowed,
Till He might come again majestic upon a cloud.
08/04/09 – 8:21pm
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Home Yet?
Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge
"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less ; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy; while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it...
Today at Spring Hill worship, Andy Huest gave a talk about hope and about longing. It was so applicable it was just scary. My heart feels so empty at times, but then others it makes me feel like the richest man in the whole world. I don't feel content anymore....I hate the status quo, and except for the last two months of school I wasnt following it. My heart was dead, it was killed by the despair that i let shut me out of the world, I let it push me away from those I was closest to. My heart is one of passion, and i am learning how to channel it each any every day. I am trying my best to learn how God is transforming my innermost being. I am learning how to make a difference in my life and to bring healing to those around me. I love the quote that is listed above. I want to enjoy want is here in my life, my friends, family, and new adventures....but that doesnt mean i dont want more. I long for so much more. I long to have my heart continued to be transformed into a new heart that God has inside me. I dont want to take the easy way out, that ends in tears for me and for others....its not that i wanted to put up a front but I had this dark veil covering over all the good things in life...I was settling for mud pies...I took for granted what i had and I was wrong. My relationships, my relationship with God stopped growing. I thought that everything was progressing so well so i just left it up to "fate".
Well there is no such thing as fate!!!! There is nothing but our actions that we take to strive toward God. Sure I was overwhelmed and even the last week of school in a feeling of abandonment....but i became so weak that i had to rely on all that I had. I had to build a foundation in my life so i could even wake up in the morning. This waterfall of pain, and sorrow was suffocating me under the surface as i was gasping for air. My life was falling out of wack with what my heart truly desired. But He pulled me out of it, like being drenched in the waters of baptism I was...I am cold and naked in front of my friends and family. I have been needing nurturing and I have been needed grace....and He has provided it all. My safety is my salvation and my heart dissolved away till barely anything was left but the core of me....any two facedness, any playing politics, and any veil is gone. The only thing left is that little ember I had always had.
But that ember burns my soul with a longing I have never experienced before. Its not a burning for now and then whatever isnt satisfied by that is what i look toward heaven for. For the first time in my life I not only feel my heart but i understand why i am feeling it. I can see right through me, and i would be surprised if those around me didnt see the same thing. I am no longer a man of lukewarmness. It is only hot and cold....there is no grey....not testing boundaries, i did that too long and played with the literal sanctity of God's plan and purpose for my life. It is a little ember that burns with the passion to serve God and to look toward heaven for my satisfaction. I am looking toward Christ for my safety. And as if looking into a mirror my passions convict my spirit toward that of what i dont have. Not in a covetous way, but in a way of appreciation and a prayer for a full life. That there is this piece missing in my life, dont get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful for where I am and what God is teaching me and bringing me to now.....but it is also a preparation for the future. It is a hope that it is a second chance, a preparation for bigger and better things when i am firmly rooted in Christ. When I have been fully emptied out myself for really only the second time in my whole life and yet in a completely different way.
I know what i means to be empty....I have been to that edge, I cried out to my Father in Heaven to ask Him to take it all away. I dont deserve Him. I dont deserve his grace and I sure dont deserve a second chance at His love or to experience His love in a way that I would be held accountable for so much more. And I know that in this instant I am not ready for that. God is preparing me for something, possibly a life that my life's work will be that of the image of the poorest King, Jesus. A man that gave so much and yet for His entire life did not have the physical possessions of even the lowest of noblemen. I want to live a life of poverty of physical pleasures but a life full of spiritual riches. I want a life that I can show this new passion to old friends, that those I had hurt, or ignored, or showed a false face to (on purpose or otherwise) in middle school, high school, and especially in college; my friends would notice a renaissance in my spirit.
I burn inwardly for what i can not express outwardly. Not because it untruthful...for my heart has no filter anymore, but this time of patience, and growth, and building upon things those things of old that survived the fire of our Lord, and then all things must be revealed. I have no credibility that I am trustworthy or that next time would be different. I have no foundation with this new self with my friends. I have already seen the joys and the pain from some of my friendships that were built on rocks and sand respectively. To some of my friends it will be a one way relationship, to some it will be reciprocal, and to some it can be so much more. An investment in each other to see what God can truly do when brothers or sisters trust God to lead. I loved it when i was down in PCB and sharing the gospel just as much as when i was @ spring hill and sharing the gospel. It takes a special person to do either, and to see my spiritual family banding together to make a difference like that was just amazing. Life is so tough and no one can go through it alone. It IS lonely living alone (by definition), and I am so thankful that I have brothers and sisters to be there with me.
I am so tried right now, its not that late but it has been a long day. I feel like I am babbling. I had an entire revelation about myself in the car that i wanted to write but i wanted to use prudence too. Sometimes i fear that if i dont record what is happening here and now it will be lost or lose the emphasis that i meant, but all things come at the right time.
"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less ; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy; while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it...
Today at Spring Hill worship, Andy Huest gave a talk about hope and about longing. It was so applicable it was just scary. My heart feels so empty at times, but then others it makes me feel like the richest man in the whole world. I don't feel content anymore....I hate the status quo, and except for the last two months of school I wasnt following it. My heart was dead, it was killed by the despair that i let shut me out of the world, I let it push me away from those I was closest to. My heart is one of passion, and i am learning how to channel it each any every day. I am trying my best to learn how God is transforming my innermost being. I am learning how to make a difference in my life and to bring healing to those around me. I love the quote that is listed above. I want to enjoy want is here in my life, my friends, family, and new adventures....but that doesnt mean i dont want more. I long for so much more. I long to have my heart continued to be transformed into a new heart that God has inside me. I dont want to take the easy way out, that ends in tears for me and for others....its not that i wanted to put up a front but I had this dark veil covering over all the good things in life...I was settling for mud pies...I took for granted what i had and I was wrong. My relationships, my relationship with God stopped growing. I thought that everything was progressing so well so i just left it up to "fate".
Well there is no such thing as fate!!!! There is nothing but our actions that we take to strive toward God. Sure I was overwhelmed and even the last week of school in a feeling of abandonment....but i became so weak that i had to rely on all that I had. I had to build a foundation in my life so i could even wake up in the morning. This waterfall of pain, and sorrow was suffocating me under the surface as i was gasping for air. My life was falling out of wack with what my heart truly desired. But He pulled me out of it, like being drenched in the waters of baptism I was...I am cold and naked in front of my friends and family. I have been needing nurturing and I have been needed grace....and He has provided it all. My safety is my salvation and my heart dissolved away till barely anything was left but the core of me....any two facedness, any playing politics, and any veil is gone. The only thing left is that little ember I had always had.
But that ember burns my soul with a longing I have never experienced before. Its not a burning for now and then whatever isnt satisfied by that is what i look toward heaven for. For the first time in my life I not only feel my heart but i understand why i am feeling it. I can see right through me, and i would be surprised if those around me didnt see the same thing. I am no longer a man of lukewarmness. It is only hot and cold....there is no grey....not testing boundaries, i did that too long and played with the literal sanctity of God's plan and purpose for my life. It is a little ember that burns with the passion to serve God and to look toward heaven for my satisfaction. I am looking toward Christ for my safety. And as if looking into a mirror my passions convict my spirit toward that of what i dont have. Not in a covetous way, but in a way of appreciation and a prayer for a full life. That there is this piece missing in my life, dont get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful for where I am and what God is teaching me and bringing me to now.....but it is also a preparation for the future. It is a hope that it is a second chance, a preparation for bigger and better things when i am firmly rooted in Christ. When I have been fully emptied out myself for really only the second time in my whole life and yet in a completely different way.
I know what i means to be empty....I have been to that edge, I cried out to my Father in Heaven to ask Him to take it all away. I dont deserve Him. I dont deserve his grace and I sure dont deserve a second chance at His love or to experience His love in a way that I would be held accountable for so much more. And I know that in this instant I am not ready for that. God is preparing me for something, possibly a life that my life's work will be that of the image of the poorest King, Jesus. A man that gave so much and yet for His entire life did not have the physical possessions of even the lowest of noblemen. I want to live a life of poverty of physical pleasures but a life full of spiritual riches. I want a life that I can show this new passion to old friends, that those I had hurt, or ignored, or showed a false face to (on purpose or otherwise) in middle school, high school, and especially in college; my friends would notice a renaissance in my spirit.
I burn inwardly for what i can not express outwardly. Not because it untruthful...for my heart has no filter anymore, but this time of patience, and growth, and building upon things those things of old that survived the fire of our Lord, and then all things must be revealed. I have no credibility that I am trustworthy or that next time would be different. I have no foundation with this new self with my friends. I have already seen the joys and the pain from some of my friendships that were built on rocks and sand respectively. To some of my friends it will be a one way relationship, to some it will be reciprocal, and to some it can be so much more. An investment in each other to see what God can truly do when brothers or sisters trust God to lead. I loved it when i was down in PCB and sharing the gospel just as much as when i was @ spring hill and sharing the gospel. It takes a special person to do either, and to see my spiritual family banding together to make a difference like that was just amazing. Life is so tough and no one can go through it alone. It IS lonely living alone (by definition), and I am so thankful that I have brothers and sisters to be there with me.
I am so tried right now, its not that late but it has been a long day. I feel like I am babbling. I had an entire revelation about myself in the car that i wanted to write but i wanted to use prudence too. Sometimes i fear that if i dont record what is happening here and now it will be lost or lose the emphasis that i meant, but all things come at the right time.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Learning to lean
SANCTIFICATION
"This is the will of God, even your sanctification." 1 Thessalonians 4:3
The Death Side. In sanctification God has to deal with us on the death side as well as on the life side. Many of us spend so much time in the place of death that we get sepulchral. There is always a battle royal before sanctification, always something that tugs with resentment against the demands of Jesus Christ. Immediately the Spirit of God begins to show us what sanctification means, the struggle begins. "If any man come to Me and hate not . . his own life, he cannot be My disciple."
The Spirit of God in the process of sanctification will strip me until I am nothing but "myself," that is the place of death. Am I willing to be "myself," and nothing more - no friends, no father, no brother, no self-interest - simply ready for death? That is the condition of sanctification. No wonder Jesus said: "I came not to send peace, but a sword." This is where the battle comes, and where so many of us faint. We refuse to be identified with the death of Jesus on this point. "But it is so stern," we say; "He cannot wish me to do that." Our Lord is stern; and He does wish us to do that.
Am I willing to reduce myself simply to "me," determinedly to strip myself of all my friends think of me, of all I think of myself, and to hand that simple naked self over to God? Immediately I am, He will sanctify me wholly, and my life will be free from earnestness in connection with every thing but God.
When I pray - "Lord, show me what sanctification means for me," He will show me. It means being made one with Jesus. Sanctification is not something Jesus Christ puts into me: it is Himself in me. (1 Cor. 1:30.)
My Utmost for His Highest
I have lived so much of my life to just serve my own selfish desires. I have lived a life of ME, ME, ME. I spoke as if my eternity was secure and yet I lived a life that reflected consuming as much of the here and now that I could. I lived a life that was so stupid, so useless, so empty.
And now my life really is emptied out of everything that is not of God. It is just me and God. It is so different. I am learning so much of ME. I am learning what truly matters in life. I am standing at the edge and looking over the edge of a red rock cliff. With jagged rocks above me and jagged rocks below and nothing but the horizon covered with the most beautiful trees, clouds, and breeze that only God to paint. I am above clouds but i am so far below the massive heavens above. The snow capped mountains overshadow me with their majesty, and they shelter me from the gusts of wind strong enough to push me over the edge. And then it begins to pour, and just as I feel as though it was a mistake to have my toes curled over the edge i feel this great hand holding me fast. I dont quite lean into it all the way at first but the more i do the safer I feel. It is a weird feeling to lean into a hand at your back, a hand that from its position seems as though itself is going to push you off to your doom....but it is more of a seat. It is a active decision to sit on the seat too. Its not a recliner, its not a stool either. It is a shelter from whatever the fall, mountains, gusts, or rain might try and freak me out with. It is also a foundation. That it might seem like a small seat but really it is a seat that wraps all around me and has room for certain things but not others. This seat can hold people's hearts but not their bodies, it can hold wealth but not money, it can hold dreams but not fears, it can hold challenges but not failures, it can hold a hope, a future but not disappointment or pity. This chair, this shelter; for those whose dare lean into it will keep all those things safe as the rest just slips away down the gorge and out of site underneath the canopy of the trees. You can't take anything into the chair that isnt supposed to be there otherwise it will cause you to slip and fall till I lose grasp of it. And interestingly enough, the more you lean into the chair the more cloudy the future gets but more important the vision becomes. Not that this is a circular logic, of course not. The future is that of our control, the schemes that we try and make in our own little worlds. But the vision are those passions, those permanent "chair-dwelling" items that remain there with us. Those visions that when my heart is stripped away from its cold outer shell, its tough metal skin, its guarded fleshy barriers, and then left with only the burning ember of my heart's true desire. A white hot passion that is so small and feels like it may go out at any moment. A white hot passion that consumes its true nature to express itself and set other eternal items on fire with the love I have already experienced through God. No one can just hand off God's love. What God's love does is it transforms us so that we even have the ability to love. And when we are able to love others, and when they are open to our love, it is then that we are so full of God's love that our attempt to love how we are uniquely created to...looks in distinguishable from the love of God.
"This is the will of God, even your sanctification." 1 Thessalonians 4:3
The Death Side. In sanctification God has to deal with us on the death side as well as on the life side. Many of us spend so much time in the place of death that we get sepulchral. There is always a battle royal before sanctification, always something that tugs with resentment against the demands of Jesus Christ. Immediately the Spirit of God begins to show us what sanctification means, the struggle begins. "If any man come to Me and hate not . . his own life, he cannot be My disciple."
The Spirit of God in the process of sanctification will strip me until I am nothing but "myself," that is the place of death. Am I willing to be "myself," and nothing more - no friends, no father, no brother, no self-interest - simply ready for death? That is the condition of sanctification. No wonder Jesus said: "I came not to send peace, but a sword." This is where the battle comes, and where so many of us faint. We refuse to be identified with the death of Jesus on this point. "But it is so stern," we say; "He cannot wish me to do that." Our Lord is stern; and He does wish us to do that.
Am I willing to reduce myself simply to "me," determinedly to strip myself of all my friends think of me, of all I think of myself, and to hand that simple naked self over to God? Immediately I am, He will sanctify me wholly, and my life will be free from earnestness in connection with every thing but God.
When I pray - "Lord, show me what sanctification means for me," He will show me. It means being made one with Jesus. Sanctification is not something Jesus Christ puts into me: it is Himself in me. (1 Cor. 1:30.)
My Utmost for His Highest
I have lived so much of my life to just serve my own selfish desires. I have lived a life of ME, ME, ME. I spoke as if my eternity was secure and yet I lived a life that reflected consuming as much of the here and now that I could. I lived a life that was so stupid, so useless, so empty.
And now my life really is emptied out of everything that is not of God. It is just me and God. It is so different. I am learning so much of ME. I am learning what truly matters in life. I am standing at the edge and looking over the edge of a red rock cliff. With jagged rocks above me and jagged rocks below and nothing but the horizon covered with the most beautiful trees, clouds, and breeze that only God to paint. I am above clouds but i am so far below the massive heavens above. The snow capped mountains overshadow me with their majesty, and they shelter me from the gusts of wind strong enough to push me over the edge. And then it begins to pour, and just as I feel as though it was a mistake to have my toes curled over the edge i feel this great hand holding me fast. I dont quite lean into it all the way at first but the more i do the safer I feel. It is a weird feeling to lean into a hand at your back, a hand that from its position seems as though itself is going to push you off to your doom....but it is more of a seat. It is a active decision to sit on the seat too. Its not a recliner, its not a stool either. It is a shelter from whatever the fall, mountains, gusts, or rain might try and freak me out with. It is also a foundation. That it might seem like a small seat but really it is a seat that wraps all around me and has room for certain things but not others. This seat can hold people's hearts but not their bodies, it can hold wealth but not money, it can hold dreams but not fears, it can hold challenges but not failures, it can hold a hope, a future but not disappointment or pity. This chair, this shelter; for those whose dare lean into it will keep all those things safe as the rest just slips away down the gorge and out of site underneath the canopy of the trees. You can't take anything into the chair that isnt supposed to be there otherwise it will cause you to slip and fall till I lose grasp of it. And interestingly enough, the more you lean into the chair the more cloudy the future gets but more important the vision becomes. Not that this is a circular logic, of course not. The future is that of our control, the schemes that we try and make in our own little worlds. But the vision are those passions, those permanent "chair-dwelling" items that remain there with us. Those visions that when my heart is stripped away from its cold outer shell, its tough metal skin, its guarded fleshy barriers, and then left with only the burning ember of my heart's true desire. A white hot passion that is so small and feels like it may go out at any moment. A white hot passion that consumes its true nature to express itself and set other eternal items on fire with the love I have already experienced through God. No one can just hand off God's love. What God's love does is it transforms us so that we even have the ability to love. And when we are able to love others, and when they are open to our love, it is then that we are so full of God's love that our attempt to love how we are uniquely created to...looks in distinguishable from the love of God.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
A Wealth of Perspective
"Luke Warming and Loving It"
Luke 18:18-30
I dont know how to live a righteous life with the money I could potentially make in my job, in my career, in my investments. I dont know someone who can live this new life, this new vision I have for my life. This vision of small houses but big families (not necessarily related), a vision of welcoming others in who i have never met A vision of strength by being weak. I want to live overseas, not because it will further my career but because it will weaken it. If God tells me that my mission field is in China, then thats where I will go. If its Bangkok, the Middle East, Estonia, or even the "safety" of Peru...thats where I am next. My job wont be in jeopardy because of the riskiness of the job, but because of my strong commitment to Christ. I wont be able to work that much because i will be so busy sharing the gospel. My kids may very well not have a single dime toward their education when they go to college because all of it has already gone to God (but i will leave that for each of them to decide). I dont care if my kids are in daycare anymore, I was in daycare and I turned out decent....or at least okay. I dont care if my wife works or doesnt work, its her choice....its not like her income is going toward paying bills anyway, it is all going to God (or if she's not comfortable with that, then all my income is going to God). I dont want my money to be a crutch. I dont want to be defined by how much i have and how little I give. I want my life to be truly full. I want my life to be that of sacrifice and not of regret. If my heart, my money, my life is in God...if my calendar and checkbook line up with that which sets my heart on fire....then well, it will be on fire. My relationships will be so much more full.
There are three little verses in the book of Matthew that I mentioned in my testimony my senior year of high school when i was speaking to my YL group. I was a junior leader (one of the most challenging and rewarding things i have done in my entire life ironically....just the mere fact that i was out of my comfort zone for the entire time i was serving in that role, a place i am rarely challenged to be in unfortunately). Well its about a treasure in a field....I found it in high school buried in my heart, covered it up till i was ready to fully submit to it...but unfortunately that wasnt until about 5-6 weeks ago that i remember where i buried it. Where i basically was hit over the head with a shovel 2 1/2 months ago and i just laid there bleeding for almost a month. Then....with that tool that my friend gave me I was able to finally realize the opportunity that they put in my life. I was stripped bare before God, and that treasure I found was finally able to be rediscovered. Yes, I forgot the exact location where i had originally found it, but God found me. He brought it to me by bringing me into the light. I can do nothing apart from Him. He pursued me, He found me. And that shovel has turned from a scar into a tool. A reminder that when God puts special people in my life they are meant to be treasured as sons and daughters of Him. And then at the same time now it is my responsibility, not to throw the shovel away, or toss it back at the person who gave it to me...but to continue to help others bring to light their treasures in their lives. And to make a difference in this generation echoing into eternity.
Matthew 13:44-46
Matthew 5:1-12
Luke 18:18-30
I dont know how to live a righteous life with the money I could potentially make in my job, in my career, in my investments. I dont know someone who can live this new life, this new vision I have for my life. This vision of small houses but big families (not necessarily related), a vision of welcoming others in who i have never met A vision of strength by being weak. I want to live overseas, not because it will further my career but because it will weaken it. If God tells me that my mission field is in China, then thats where I will go. If its Bangkok, the Middle East, Estonia, or even the "safety" of Peru...thats where I am next. My job wont be in jeopardy because of the riskiness of the job, but because of my strong commitment to Christ. I wont be able to work that much because i will be so busy sharing the gospel. My kids may very well not have a single dime toward their education when they go to college because all of it has already gone to God (but i will leave that for each of them to decide). I dont care if my kids are in daycare anymore, I was in daycare and I turned out decent....or at least okay. I dont care if my wife works or doesnt work, its her choice....its not like her income is going toward paying bills anyway, it is all going to God (or if she's not comfortable with that, then all my income is going to God). I dont want my money to be a crutch. I dont want to be defined by how much i have and how little I give. I want my life to be truly full. I want my life to be that of sacrifice and not of regret. If my heart, my money, my life is in God...if my calendar and checkbook line up with that which sets my heart on fire....then well, it will be on fire. My relationships will be so much more full.
There are three little verses in the book of Matthew that I mentioned in my testimony my senior year of high school when i was speaking to my YL group. I was a junior leader (one of the most challenging and rewarding things i have done in my entire life ironically....just the mere fact that i was out of my comfort zone for the entire time i was serving in that role, a place i am rarely challenged to be in unfortunately). Well its about a treasure in a field....I found it in high school buried in my heart, covered it up till i was ready to fully submit to it...but unfortunately that wasnt until about 5-6 weeks ago that i remember where i buried it. Where i basically was hit over the head with a shovel 2 1/2 months ago and i just laid there bleeding for almost a month. Then....with that tool that my friend gave me I was able to finally realize the opportunity that they put in my life. I was stripped bare before God, and that treasure I found was finally able to be rediscovered. Yes, I forgot the exact location where i had originally found it, but God found me. He brought it to me by bringing me into the light. I can do nothing apart from Him. He pursued me, He found me. And that shovel has turned from a scar into a tool. A reminder that when God puts special people in my life they are meant to be treasured as sons and daughters of Him. And then at the same time now it is my responsibility, not to throw the shovel away, or toss it back at the person who gave it to me...but to continue to help others bring to light their treasures in their lives. And to make a difference in this generation echoing into eternity.
Matthew 13:44-46
Matthew 5:1-12
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