Quoted from The Sacred Romance by Curtis and Eldredge
"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less ; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy; while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come. In Paul's words, we "groan inwardly as we wait eagerly" (Rom. 8:23). Contentment can only happen as we increase desire, let it run itself out toward its fulfillment, and carry us along with it...
Today at Spring Hill worship, Andy Huest gave a talk about hope and about longing. It was so applicable it was just scary. My heart feels so empty at times, but then others it makes me feel like the richest man in the whole world. I don't feel content anymore....I hate the status quo, and except for the last two months of school I wasnt following it. My heart was dead, it was killed by the despair that i let shut me out of the world, I let it push me away from those I was closest to. My heart is one of passion, and i am learning how to channel it each any every day. I am trying my best to learn how God is transforming my innermost being. I am learning how to make a difference in my life and to bring healing to those around me. I love the quote that is listed above. I want to enjoy want is here in my life, my friends, family, and new adventures....but that doesnt mean i dont want more. I long for so much more. I long to have my heart continued to be transformed into a new heart that God has inside me. I dont want to take the easy way out, that ends in tears for me and for others....its not that i wanted to put up a front but I had this dark veil covering over all the good things in life...I was settling for mud pies...I took for granted what i had and I was wrong. My relationships, my relationship with God stopped growing. I thought that everything was progressing so well so i just left it up to "fate".
Well there is no such thing as fate!!!! There is nothing but our actions that we take to strive toward God. Sure I was overwhelmed and even the last week of school in a feeling of abandonment....but i became so weak that i had to rely on all that I had. I had to build a foundation in my life so i could even wake up in the morning. This waterfall of pain, and sorrow was suffocating me under the surface as i was gasping for air. My life was falling out of wack with what my heart truly desired. But He pulled me out of it, like being drenched in the waters of baptism I was...I am cold and naked in front of my friends and family. I have been needing nurturing and I have been needed grace....and He has provided it all. My safety is my salvation and my heart dissolved away till barely anything was left but the core of me....any two facedness, any playing politics, and any veil is gone. The only thing left is that little ember I had always had.
But that ember burns my soul with a longing I have never experienced before. Its not a burning for now and then whatever isnt satisfied by that is what i look toward heaven for. For the first time in my life I not only feel my heart but i understand why i am feeling it. I can see right through me, and i would be surprised if those around me didnt see the same thing. I am no longer a man of lukewarmness. It is only hot and cold....there is no grey....not testing boundaries, i did that too long and played with the literal sanctity of God's plan and purpose for my life. It is a little ember that burns with the passion to serve God and to look toward heaven for my satisfaction. I am looking toward Christ for my safety. And as if looking into a mirror my passions convict my spirit toward that of what i dont have. Not in a covetous way, but in a way of appreciation and a prayer for a full life. That there is this piece missing in my life, dont get me wrong, I am blessed and thankful for where I am and what God is teaching me and bringing me to now.....but it is also a preparation for the future. It is a hope that it is a second chance, a preparation for bigger and better things when i am firmly rooted in Christ. When I have been fully emptied out myself for really only the second time in my whole life and yet in a completely different way.
I know what i means to be empty....I have been to that edge, I cried out to my Father in Heaven to ask Him to take it all away. I dont deserve Him. I dont deserve his grace and I sure dont deserve a second chance at His love or to experience His love in a way that I would be held accountable for so much more. And I know that in this instant I am not ready for that. God is preparing me for something, possibly a life that my life's work will be that of the image of the poorest King, Jesus. A man that gave so much and yet for His entire life did not have the physical possessions of even the lowest of noblemen. I want to live a life of poverty of physical pleasures but a life full of spiritual riches. I want a life that I can show this new passion to old friends, that those I had hurt, or ignored, or showed a false face to (on purpose or otherwise) in middle school, high school, and especially in college; my friends would notice a renaissance in my spirit.
I burn inwardly for what i can not express outwardly. Not because it untruthful...for my heart has no filter anymore, but this time of patience, and growth, and building upon things those things of old that survived the fire of our Lord, and then all things must be revealed. I have no credibility that I am trustworthy or that next time would be different. I have no foundation with this new self with my friends. I have already seen the joys and the pain from some of my friendships that were built on rocks and sand respectively. To some of my friends it will be a one way relationship, to some it will be reciprocal, and to some it can be so much more. An investment in each other to see what God can truly do when brothers or sisters trust God to lead. I loved it when i was down in PCB and sharing the gospel just as much as when i was @ spring hill and sharing the gospel. It takes a special person to do either, and to see my spiritual family banding together to make a difference like that was just amazing. Life is so tough and no one can go through it alone. It IS lonely living alone (by definition), and I am so thankful that I have brothers and sisters to be there with me.
I am so tried right now, its not that late but it has been a long day. I feel like I am babbling. I had an entire revelation about myself in the car that i wanted to write but i wanted to use prudence too. Sometimes i fear that if i dont record what is happening here and now it will be lost or lose the emphasis that i meant, but all things come at the right time.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Learning to lean
SANCTIFICATION
"This is the will of God, even your sanctification." 1 Thessalonians 4:3
The Death Side. In sanctification God has to deal with us on the death side as well as on the life side. Many of us spend so much time in the place of death that we get sepulchral. There is always a battle royal before sanctification, always something that tugs with resentment against the demands of Jesus Christ. Immediately the Spirit of God begins to show us what sanctification means, the struggle begins. "If any man come to Me and hate not . . his own life, he cannot be My disciple."
The Spirit of God in the process of sanctification will strip me until I am nothing but "myself," that is the place of death. Am I willing to be "myself," and nothing more - no friends, no father, no brother, no self-interest - simply ready for death? That is the condition of sanctification. No wonder Jesus said: "I came not to send peace, but a sword." This is where the battle comes, and where so many of us faint. We refuse to be identified with the death of Jesus on this point. "But it is so stern," we say; "He cannot wish me to do that." Our Lord is stern; and He does wish us to do that.
Am I willing to reduce myself simply to "me," determinedly to strip myself of all my friends think of me, of all I think of myself, and to hand that simple naked self over to God? Immediately I am, He will sanctify me wholly, and my life will be free from earnestness in connection with every thing but God.
When I pray - "Lord, show me what sanctification means for me," He will show me. It means being made one with Jesus. Sanctification is not something Jesus Christ puts into me: it is Himself in me. (1 Cor. 1:30.)
My Utmost for His Highest
I have lived so much of my life to just serve my own selfish desires. I have lived a life of ME, ME, ME. I spoke as if my eternity was secure and yet I lived a life that reflected consuming as much of the here and now that I could. I lived a life that was so stupid, so useless, so empty.
And now my life really is emptied out of everything that is not of God. It is just me and God. It is so different. I am learning so much of ME. I am learning what truly matters in life. I am standing at the edge and looking over the edge of a red rock cliff. With jagged rocks above me and jagged rocks below and nothing but the horizon covered with the most beautiful trees, clouds, and breeze that only God to paint. I am above clouds but i am so far below the massive heavens above. The snow capped mountains overshadow me with their majesty, and they shelter me from the gusts of wind strong enough to push me over the edge. And then it begins to pour, and just as I feel as though it was a mistake to have my toes curled over the edge i feel this great hand holding me fast. I dont quite lean into it all the way at first but the more i do the safer I feel. It is a weird feeling to lean into a hand at your back, a hand that from its position seems as though itself is going to push you off to your doom....but it is more of a seat. It is a active decision to sit on the seat too. Its not a recliner, its not a stool either. It is a shelter from whatever the fall, mountains, gusts, or rain might try and freak me out with. It is also a foundation. That it might seem like a small seat but really it is a seat that wraps all around me and has room for certain things but not others. This seat can hold people's hearts but not their bodies, it can hold wealth but not money, it can hold dreams but not fears, it can hold challenges but not failures, it can hold a hope, a future but not disappointment or pity. This chair, this shelter; for those whose dare lean into it will keep all those things safe as the rest just slips away down the gorge and out of site underneath the canopy of the trees. You can't take anything into the chair that isnt supposed to be there otherwise it will cause you to slip and fall till I lose grasp of it. And interestingly enough, the more you lean into the chair the more cloudy the future gets but more important the vision becomes. Not that this is a circular logic, of course not. The future is that of our control, the schemes that we try and make in our own little worlds. But the vision are those passions, those permanent "chair-dwelling" items that remain there with us. Those visions that when my heart is stripped away from its cold outer shell, its tough metal skin, its guarded fleshy barriers, and then left with only the burning ember of my heart's true desire. A white hot passion that is so small and feels like it may go out at any moment. A white hot passion that consumes its true nature to express itself and set other eternal items on fire with the love I have already experienced through God. No one can just hand off God's love. What God's love does is it transforms us so that we even have the ability to love. And when we are able to love others, and when they are open to our love, it is then that we are so full of God's love that our attempt to love how we are uniquely created to...looks in distinguishable from the love of God.
"This is the will of God, even your sanctification." 1 Thessalonians 4:3
The Death Side. In sanctification God has to deal with us on the death side as well as on the life side. Many of us spend so much time in the place of death that we get sepulchral. There is always a battle royal before sanctification, always something that tugs with resentment against the demands of Jesus Christ. Immediately the Spirit of God begins to show us what sanctification means, the struggle begins. "If any man come to Me and hate not . . his own life, he cannot be My disciple."
The Spirit of God in the process of sanctification will strip me until I am nothing but "myself," that is the place of death. Am I willing to be "myself," and nothing more - no friends, no father, no brother, no self-interest - simply ready for death? That is the condition of sanctification. No wonder Jesus said: "I came not to send peace, but a sword." This is where the battle comes, and where so many of us faint. We refuse to be identified with the death of Jesus on this point. "But it is so stern," we say; "He cannot wish me to do that." Our Lord is stern; and He does wish us to do that.
Am I willing to reduce myself simply to "me," determinedly to strip myself of all my friends think of me, of all I think of myself, and to hand that simple naked self over to God? Immediately I am, He will sanctify me wholly, and my life will be free from earnestness in connection with every thing but God.
When I pray - "Lord, show me what sanctification means for me," He will show me. It means being made one with Jesus. Sanctification is not something Jesus Christ puts into me: it is Himself in me. (1 Cor. 1:30.)
My Utmost for His Highest
I have lived so much of my life to just serve my own selfish desires. I have lived a life of ME, ME, ME. I spoke as if my eternity was secure and yet I lived a life that reflected consuming as much of the here and now that I could. I lived a life that was so stupid, so useless, so empty.
And now my life really is emptied out of everything that is not of God. It is just me and God. It is so different. I am learning so much of ME. I am learning what truly matters in life. I am standing at the edge and looking over the edge of a red rock cliff. With jagged rocks above me and jagged rocks below and nothing but the horizon covered with the most beautiful trees, clouds, and breeze that only God to paint. I am above clouds but i am so far below the massive heavens above. The snow capped mountains overshadow me with their majesty, and they shelter me from the gusts of wind strong enough to push me over the edge. And then it begins to pour, and just as I feel as though it was a mistake to have my toes curled over the edge i feel this great hand holding me fast. I dont quite lean into it all the way at first but the more i do the safer I feel. It is a weird feeling to lean into a hand at your back, a hand that from its position seems as though itself is going to push you off to your doom....but it is more of a seat. It is a active decision to sit on the seat too. Its not a recliner, its not a stool either. It is a shelter from whatever the fall, mountains, gusts, or rain might try and freak me out with. It is also a foundation. That it might seem like a small seat but really it is a seat that wraps all around me and has room for certain things but not others. This seat can hold people's hearts but not their bodies, it can hold wealth but not money, it can hold dreams but not fears, it can hold challenges but not failures, it can hold a hope, a future but not disappointment or pity. This chair, this shelter; for those whose dare lean into it will keep all those things safe as the rest just slips away down the gorge and out of site underneath the canopy of the trees. You can't take anything into the chair that isnt supposed to be there otherwise it will cause you to slip and fall till I lose grasp of it. And interestingly enough, the more you lean into the chair the more cloudy the future gets but more important the vision becomes. Not that this is a circular logic, of course not. The future is that of our control, the schemes that we try and make in our own little worlds. But the vision are those passions, those permanent "chair-dwelling" items that remain there with us. Those visions that when my heart is stripped away from its cold outer shell, its tough metal skin, its guarded fleshy barriers, and then left with only the burning ember of my heart's true desire. A white hot passion that is so small and feels like it may go out at any moment. A white hot passion that consumes its true nature to express itself and set other eternal items on fire with the love I have already experienced through God. No one can just hand off God's love. What God's love does is it transforms us so that we even have the ability to love. And when we are able to love others, and when they are open to our love, it is then that we are so full of God's love that our attempt to love how we are uniquely created to...looks in distinguishable from the love of God.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
A Wealth of Perspective
"Luke Warming and Loving It"
Luke 18:18-30
I dont know how to live a righteous life with the money I could potentially make in my job, in my career, in my investments. I dont know someone who can live this new life, this new vision I have for my life. This vision of small houses but big families (not necessarily related), a vision of welcoming others in who i have never met A vision of strength by being weak. I want to live overseas, not because it will further my career but because it will weaken it. If God tells me that my mission field is in China, then thats where I will go. If its Bangkok, the Middle East, Estonia, or even the "safety" of Peru...thats where I am next. My job wont be in jeopardy because of the riskiness of the job, but because of my strong commitment to Christ. I wont be able to work that much because i will be so busy sharing the gospel. My kids may very well not have a single dime toward their education when they go to college because all of it has already gone to God (but i will leave that for each of them to decide). I dont care if my kids are in daycare anymore, I was in daycare and I turned out decent....or at least okay. I dont care if my wife works or doesnt work, its her choice....its not like her income is going toward paying bills anyway, it is all going to God (or if she's not comfortable with that, then all my income is going to God). I dont want my money to be a crutch. I dont want to be defined by how much i have and how little I give. I want my life to be truly full. I want my life to be that of sacrifice and not of regret. If my heart, my money, my life is in God...if my calendar and checkbook line up with that which sets my heart on fire....then well, it will be on fire. My relationships will be so much more full.
There are three little verses in the book of Matthew that I mentioned in my testimony my senior year of high school when i was speaking to my YL group. I was a junior leader (one of the most challenging and rewarding things i have done in my entire life ironically....just the mere fact that i was out of my comfort zone for the entire time i was serving in that role, a place i am rarely challenged to be in unfortunately). Well its about a treasure in a field....I found it in high school buried in my heart, covered it up till i was ready to fully submit to it...but unfortunately that wasnt until about 5-6 weeks ago that i remember where i buried it. Where i basically was hit over the head with a shovel 2 1/2 months ago and i just laid there bleeding for almost a month. Then....with that tool that my friend gave me I was able to finally realize the opportunity that they put in my life. I was stripped bare before God, and that treasure I found was finally able to be rediscovered. Yes, I forgot the exact location where i had originally found it, but God found me. He brought it to me by bringing me into the light. I can do nothing apart from Him. He pursued me, He found me. And that shovel has turned from a scar into a tool. A reminder that when God puts special people in my life they are meant to be treasured as sons and daughters of Him. And then at the same time now it is my responsibility, not to throw the shovel away, or toss it back at the person who gave it to me...but to continue to help others bring to light their treasures in their lives. And to make a difference in this generation echoing into eternity.
Matthew 13:44-46
Matthew 5:1-12
Luke 18:18-30
I dont know how to live a righteous life with the money I could potentially make in my job, in my career, in my investments. I dont know someone who can live this new life, this new vision I have for my life. This vision of small houses but big families (not necessarily related), a vision of welcoming others in who i have never met A vision of strength by being weak. I want to live overseas, not because it will further my career but because it will weaken it. If God tells me that my mission field is in China, then thats where I will go. If its Bangkok, the Middle East, Estonia, or even the "safety" of Peru...thats where I am next. My job wont be in jeopardy because of the riskiness of the job, but because of my strong commitment to Christ. I wont be able to work that much because i will be so busy sharing the gospel. My kids may very well not have a single dime toward their education when they go to college because all of it has already gone to God (but i will leave that for each of them to decide). I dont care if my kids are in daycare anymore, I was in daycare and I turned out decent....or at least okay. I dont care if my wife works or doesnt work, its her choice....its not like her income is going toward paying bills anyway, it is all going to God (or if she's not comfortable with that, then all my income is going to God). I dont want my money to be a crutch. I dont want to be defined by how much i have and how little I give. I want my life to be truly full. I want my life to be that of sacrifice and not of regret. If my heart, my money, my life is in God...if my calendar and checkbook line up with that which sets my heart on fire....then well, it will be on fire. My relationships will be so much more full.
There are three little verses in the book of Matthew that I mentioned in my testimony my senior year of high school when i was speaking to my YL group. I was a junior leader (one of the most challenging and rewarding things i have done in my entire life ironically....just the mere fact that i was out of my comfort zone for the entire time i was serving in that role, a place i am rarely challenged to be in unfortunately). Well its about a treasure in a field....I found it in high school buried in my heart, covered it up till i was ready to fully submit to it...but unfortunately that wasnt until about 5-6 weeks ago that i remember where i buried it. Where i basically was hit over the head with a shovel 2 1/2 months ago and i just laid there bleeding for almost a month. Then....with that tool that my friend gave me I was able to finally realize the opportunity that they put in my life. I was stripped bare before God, and that treasure I found was finally able to be rediscovered. Yes, I forgot the exact location where i had originally found it, but God found me. He brought it to me by bringing me into the light. I can do nothing apart from Him. He pursued me, He found me. And that shovel has turned from a scar into a tool. A reminder that when God puts special people in my life they are meant to be treasured as sons and daughters of Him. And then at the same time now it is my responsibility, not to throw the shovel away, or toss it back at the person who gave it to me...but to continue to help others bring to light their treasures in their lives. And to make a difference in this generation echoing into eternity.
Matthew 13:44-46
Matthew 5:1-12
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Matters
Psalm 42
Psalm 46
I feel like I have served myself and all my selfish desire for so long. My joy has been nothing but fleeting and my heart has been anything but loving. I have only really experienced perfect love through God alone but for so long I denied it. I passed it off, and with it I passed on all the blessings that He had sought to give me. My pride got in the way of His plan for my life, or what He was allowing for my life. I was scarred at what it seemed like life could be and now it is no more. How many times a day do I pass by God's blessings, His opportunities. There are so many amazing things in life that I am "too tired for" or "too scared to do" or "too afraid or embarrassed to say". I want it to be no more. I long for the confidence in God that only truly comes from Him. Its not that I need to know or want to know what God's plan is for my life, I just want to know that it is amazing. I want to share it with amazing Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Yes, I get the chance to speak to tons of friends for half hours or even hours a day but those guys dont get to see what i see. What truly makes relationships meaningful is not commonalities, its shared experiences. I want my friends to see what i see. I want to experience what they experience back in EL, or LA, or Minny. It just seems so right that I would have the ability to share with them, but unfortunately Cincy isnt that big of a draw from a "killer weekend" standpoint. Thats just all the more reason I want to take advantage of all the opportunities that I do have before I lose anymore forever. I want to be able to use all this energy I have for others. I want to make friends here in Cincy with people that matter. I want to make a difference by being a friend to all these people who I am just meeting and give them back so much of what they have already given me.
Sometimes I feel so constrained though. I want to be better friends with some people or spend more time with even others still but schedules dont allow it, circumstances dont allow it, or even just the face that priorities dont allow it. Sometimes it just seems like I'm on a different page than i want to be. I want to be on the next page or even pages years ago. Not that I have that many regrets, but i have some. And not that I dont want to live in the moment, but sometimes it seems like more exciting times are ahead ya know? It just seems like in the midst of my spiritual growth, i have such a conflict about what matters most. I want the here and now to matter but sometimes its just so frustrating whats going on. But is a crazy awesome circle, everything that makes me anxious, or sad, or longing for more just drives me back to God, which in turn allows me to have more growth in the future. It seems like the walls are caving in sometimes but then other times feel as though there is so much life in spite of the sorrow. It is because of my realization each and every day for a savior that i even have the opportunities to live free. That because of my utter need for God I can be set free for other things. Because while I have so many other passions in addition to God, He is the one that matters. And with that, I can now lay down those other passions at the feet, of the throne of Christ where I can truly be given them right back again. It is not till i give something up and God heals me of my unclean, unfocused, unGodly desire; that I am able to start moving forward with my life and with the blessing that from thence forth, my actions will be aligned with those of our Father.
Psalm 46
I feel like I have served myself and all my selfish desire for so long. My joy has been nothing but fleeting and my heart has been anything but loving. I have only really experienced perfect love through God alone but for so long I denied it. I passed it off, and with it I passed on all the blessings that He had sought to give me. My pride got in the way of His plan for my life, or what He was allowing for my life. I was scarred at what it seemed like life could be and now it is no more. How many times a day do I pass by God's blessings, His opportunities. There are so many amazing things in life that I am "too tired for" or "too scared to do" or "too afraid or embarrassed to say". I want it to be no more. I long for the confidence in God that only truly comes from Him. Its not that I need to know or want to know what God's plan is for my life, I just want to know that it is amazing. I want to share it with amazing Brothers and Sisters in Christ. Yes, I get the chance to speak to tons of friends for half hours or even hours a day but those guys dont get to see what i see. What truly makes relationships meaningful is not commonalities, its shared experiences. I want my friends to see what i see. I want to experience what they experience back in EL, or LA, or Minny. It just seems so right that I would have the ability to share with them, but unfortunately Cincy isnt that big of a draw from a "killer weekend" standpoint. Thats just all the more reason I want to take advantage of all the opportunities that I do have before I lose anymore forever. I want to be able to use all this energy I have for others. I want to make friends here in Cincy with people that matter. I want to make a difference by being a friend to all these people who I am just meeting and give them back so much of what they have already given me.
Sometimes I feel so constrained though. I want to be better friends with some people or spend more time with even others still but schedules dont allow it, circumstances dont allow it, or even just the face that priorities dont allow it. Sometimes it just seems like I'm on a different page than i want to be. I want to be on the next page or even pages years ago. Not that I have that many regrets, but i have some. And not that I dont want to live in the moment, but sometimes it seems like more exciting times are ahead ya know? It just seems like in the midst of my spiritual growth, i have such a conflict about what matters most. I want the here and now to matter but sometimes its just so frustrating whats going on. But is a crazy awesome circle, everything that makes me anxious, or sad, or longing for more just drives me back to God, which in turn allows me to have more growth in the future. It seems like the walls are caving in sometimes but then other times feel as though there is so much life in spite of the sorrow. It is because of my realization each and every day for a savior that i even have the opportunities to live free. That because of my utter need for God I can be set free for other things. Because while I have so many other passions in addition to God, He is the one that matters. And with that, I can now lay down those other passions at the feet, of the throne of Christ where I can truly be given them right back again. It is not till i give something up and God heals me of my unclean, unfocused, unGodly desire; that I am able to start moving forward with my life and with the blessing that from thence forth, my actions will be aligned with those of our Father.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Phil
Phil Mickelson just came in second place today in the US Open. But thats okay. He is now taking off time to spend with His family, with his kids and wife, and time to just get away from busyness of his agenda.
Yesterday in church they continued on with their series on the ten commandments and living in Christ as the fulfillment of God's Law. The fourth week was about remembering the Sabbath and keeping it holy, for we were not made for the Sabbath but rather the Sabbath was made for us. Sometimes I just need to take a break from everything. In fact God calls us to take a time out. He knows that we can't be at our best 24/7, we were only created to be at it 24/6 or even 12/6 or less! To say that we can handle working seven days a week is not only arrogant, foolish, and immature, it is disrespectful toward the God of creation. As a follower of Christ if I am not willing to fully give myself over to God in every occasion I do not give Him the proper place in my life where He will be honored. It is only when I see God continually that I am able to experience the joy that comes from a relationship with Him. And it is only when I take a break and live in the here and now, in the joy of today, that I can appreciate all that is in and around my life. Times at dinner are not about worrying what homework I need to finish later. Times at a movie are not for me to focus on what emails I need to send when I get home. And times when visiting with friends and family are not times to wish I had missed this or that opportunity for sleep. Yes, rest and responsibilities are important but too much will leave me burned out and vulnerable. And when I get burned out and vulnerable, I sacrifice relationships, friendships, and joys that I didnt want to in the first place. And I fall into a cycle of trying to work, or provide, for those things that I am missing out with in the end.
It took heartbreak, it took pain, it literally took God stripping me of all the physical possessions that I have in order to get my attention. I fell into that trap that my father fell into the same way, its just that I fell into it earlier. It cost both of us things that were precious in our lives that are most likely lost forever, but God has/and is bringing both of us through those parts of our lives. I have the benefit of it being earlier on in my life so that way God can reconcile me to myself without kids, friends, relatives, or least of all jobs being disrupted through the entire ordeal. It took God to expose my hurt, my wound as a man to light, to air. Like a laceration that was temporarily bandaged but never given time to heal, I was pained and hurt by my father and his work. In a much less severe way than many of my friends, "the cycle of abuse" hurt me mentally and my wound of letting others down due to my incapacity to see clearly the values in life just caused me to get thrown up, and a few times sober or drunk literally throw up my emotional pain in a physical response. It wasnt till 2, 3, or maybe 4 weeks ago that I knew what is/was most important in my life. And each day after God has broken me so much that I have cried out as Paul did just that God would call me home. It was in this abandonment that God picked me up. Not in a sense of suicidal thoughts, for I mean not to be insensitive to that in any way, but rather in a realization that I literally have nothing to look forward to in this life that my life with God in heaven will make me miss. There is no wealth, or number of vacations, or fast enough I4, v6, v8, v12 cars that can quench that insatiable desire for the peace of God and the warmth of his smile. The physical world, the physical hopes or desires that I currently have are those for opportunities to minister to the needs of my brothers and sisters around me. That I would have a bench to sit on, or a phone to call someone with. Not that it would be complicated or worrysome. My safety and security is in God and for my wife, friends, and family someday....the protection I can only hope to provide is that of emotional and spiritual support in the downturns of life that we might crave the Lord together. To rest in one another's arms and chests and brothers and sisters in Christ. The only thing from this world that we can take with us are our relationships, so why invest in anything else. The joy of my salvation is so great that I long to share it with others. My peace is beyond my own understanding and my only hope for obedience is found in Christ alone. I pray that the password into my heart might be the echoes of Psalm 46:10. And that the only work I would do on my Sabbath....a Saturday or Sunday; would be that which is the joy of serving others and not inanimate objects to build wealth and power. For my faith, my work, and my life should be full of faith such that it is so strong yet so little as Christ compares it to a Mustard seed.
Matthew 17:20
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
American Dream - Casting Crowns
Exodus 20:8-11
Yesterday in church they continued on with their series on the ten commandments and living in Christ as the fulfillment of God's Law. The fourth week was about remembering the Sabbath and keeping it holy, for we were not made for the Sabbath but rather the Sabbath was made for us. Sometimes I just need to take a break from everything. In fact God calls us to take a time out. He knows that we can't be at our best 24/7, we were only created to be at it 24/6 or even 12/6 or less! To say that we can handle working seven days a week is not only arrogant, foolish, and immature, it is disrespectful toward the God of creation. As a follower of Christ if I am not willing to fully give myself over to God in every occasion I do not give Him the proper place in my life where He will be honored. It is only when I see God continually that I am able to experience the joy that comes from a relationship with Him. And it is only when I take a break and live in the here and now, in the joy of today, that I can appreciate all that is in and around my life. Times at dinner are not about worrying what homework I need to finish later. Times at a movie are not for me to focus on what emails I need to send when I get home. And times when visiting with friends and family are not times to wish I had missed this or that opportunity for sleep. Yes, rest and responsibilities are important but too much will leave me burned out and vulnerable. And when I get burned out and vulnerable, I sacrifice relationships, friendships, and joys that I didnt want to in the first place. And I fall into a cycle of trying to work, or provide, for those things that I am missing out with in the end.
It took heartbreak, it took pain, it literally took God stripping me of all the physical possessions that I have in order to get my attention. I fell into that trap that my father fell into the same way, its just that I fell into it earlier. It cost both of us things that were precious in our lives that are most likely lost forever, but God has/and is bringing both of us through those parts of our lives. I have the benefit of it being earlier on in my life so that way God can reconcile me to myself without kids, friends, relatives, or least of all jobs being disrupted through the entire ordeal. It took God to expose my hurt, my wound as a man to light, to air. Like a laceration that was temporarily bandaged but never given time to heal, I was pained and hurt by my father and his work. In a much less severe way than many of my friends, "the cycle of abuse" hurt me mentally and my wound of letting others down due to my incapacity to see clearly the values in life just caused me to get thrown up, and a few times sober or drunk literally throw up my emotional pain in a physical response. It wasnt till 2, 3, or maybe 4 weeks ago that I knew what is/was most important in my life. And each day after God has broken me so much that I have cried out as Paul did just that God would call me home. It was in this abandonment that God picked me up. Not in a sense of suicidal thoughts, for I mean not to be insensitive to that in any way, but rather in a realization that I literally have nothing to look forward to in this life that my life with God in heaven will make me miss. There is no wealth, or number of vacations, or fast enough I4, v6, v8, v12 cars that can quench that insatiable desire for the peace of God and the warmth of his smile. The physical world, the physical hopes or desires that I currently have are those for opportunities to minister to the needs of my brothers and sisters around me. That I would have a bench to sit on, or a phone to call someone with. Not that it would be complicated or worrysome. My safety and security is in God and for my wife, friends, and family someday....the protection I can only hope to provide is that of emotional and spiritual support in the downturns of life that we might crave the Lord together. To rest in one another's arms and chests and brothers and sisters in Christ. The only thing from this world that we can take with us are our relationships, so why invest in anything else. The joy of my salvation is so great that I long to share it with others. My peace is beyond my own understanding and my only hope for obedience is found in Christ alone. I pray that the password into my heart might be the echoes of Psalm 46:10. And that the only work I would do on my Sabbath....a Saturday or Sunday; would be that which is the joy of serving others and not inanimate objects to build wealth and power. For my faith, my work, and my life should be full of faith such that it is so strong yet so little as Christ compares it to a Mustard seed.
Matthew 17:20
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
American Dream - Casting Crowns
Exodus 20:8-11
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Homeless Identity
Romans 5:12-21
1 Corinthians 15:12-34
So my movers came and packed up all of my worldly possessions yesterday. So I am in a very real sense homeless. I have sent in my forwarding mail address card such that as far as the governing body over my well being is concerned....I no longer reside in E. Lansing. So now I am enroute, or as of tomorrow at 11am....possibly later, to my new apartment which is empty but in a real sense full.
Last night I completely realized that I have nothing and currently own nothing that is more than my laptop (which is now 4+ years old) and the clothes on my back (plus 6ish other "outfits" that will have to suffice in the mean time). I have no fear about where my next meal is to come from...for I have more than enough in front of me. I have no struggle as to fresh water, or medical care, or even friends and family....for I also have all this in abundance. It is so weird to think that just a week ago I was concerned about filling up my new apartment with just the right items, or just the right stuff....ignoring the blaring-ly obvious signals and signs right in front of me. The love and safety; the rest and peace; the joy and assurance I have in Christ's death and resurrection is more than enough. My identity is not a job, its not a position, or a qualification. My identity isnt even my accomplishments, or the companion beside me (if and when God allows for a Christ-defining relationship). I got so distracted from the syntax of my life to say that as long as Christ was in the center of my life, relationships, or jobs then it didnt matter how big the part was. Christ needs to DEFINE who I am and what i put into my life and my jobs. Instead of seeing a relationship that has Christ as the glue, have the relationship be the splitting image of Christ. Not to put it as the center of the time together but to have it as the time together. To pray without ceasing doesnt mean to pray at the beginning, middle, and end of the day....it means to NEVER STOP PRAYING. To have Christ only be in my job when I am facing an ethical dilemma would be to exclude Him from so much of who I am and what I am trying to accomplish for Him. If I truly follow Colossians 3:23 then I should be heavenly minded throughout my day and in all work that I accomplish for Him who gives me strength. I should be looking at my places of influence, my positions, my areas of my life where I can truly make a difference, and use them to be Christ in those ways. I have nothing to fear for God will vindicate me in this world and be with me always, even if my actions in the world truly lead me homeless or even to the next.
Back in my sophomore and junior years of high school I was starting to learn about what did it mean to be defined by who God was in my life. I was beginning to learn from an Erwin McManus book called "Uprising" where it talks about how every man is on a journey to discover the passion that God has put in each of our hearts. Its not about worldly accomplishments but it is about getting to know the heart of the Father and the heart that He has uniquely placed in each of us. It is about trusting in Him to make all the pieces work together and teaching us the opportunities that lie ahead are meant to be taken grasp of with God's help. I forgot all the lessons that I learned from that book over the past 6-7 years and I shouldn't have. The fact that my identity was so backwards and away from God, forced me to sacrifice so many God-given opportunities and to squander many of my blessings. God calls me and each of us to not be defined as a Christian, which has come to mean so many things today from attending on Easter and Christmas to punching your ticket every Sunday before going to the bar to watch a sports game. Our day of rest has turned into a day or even a week of debauchery. I am as guilty as everyone else if not more. I have sinned in every way imaginable on Sundays as well as every other day of the week. My defining characteristics in God were of trying my best and not caring if it didnt work out in the end. My joy did not come from Him alone but by whatever the world told me I should be encouraged by. My old Adam had crawled its way back into my life such that ethics, morals, and priorities didnt match up with what my heart's true desire was. My life seemed so empty and off-kilter because it was. My balancing act was more like a deadly tight-rope performance than an actual rest in my Father's arms. But I have fallen and I have been caught by God. It took pain, it took humility, and it took a resetting of my heart's priorities...but now I can know that I literally have nothing now but God. I am alone with Him (especially since I just found out I wont have my move items till the 12th day of my 2-12 day moving spread). My joy is joy from Him. My love is flowing from His side. And my peace is that of His Spirit engulfing me and penetrating the weakest parts of who I am to expose them to the solidifying fire of the Lord's trials such that they may be refined and hardened in love through Grace.
It excites me to see where God is leading me next, or what friends I might meet along the way, or who God might strengthen my friendships with. I recently heard the quote that "Love is friendship on fire" which apparently is an older english quote from a while back but if that is true, then the only way for that fire to ignite (not even necessarily within a dating or marriage relationship) is for God to set it that way. For the fire that purifies and consumes everything is only from God. The fire that burns away the bad, useless items to leave only that which shimmers in God's eyes is what matters. And it is exciting to see what the next stage in my life will be, and what next God will set on fire now that He has started with my heart.
A quote from C.S. Lewis:
"Now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."
Another quote inspired by God:
Luke 12:13-53
1 Corinthians 15:12-34
So my movers came and packed up all of my worldly possessions yesterday. So I am in a very real sense homeless. I have sent in my forwarding mail address card such that as far as the governing body over my well being is concerned....I no longer reside in E. Lansing. So now I am enroute, or as of tomorrow at 11am....possibly later, to my new apartment which is empty but in a real sense full.
Last night I completely realized that I have nothing and currently own nothing that is more than my laptop (which is now 4+ years old) and the clothes on my back (plus 6ish other "outfits" that will have to suffice in the mean time). I have no fear about where my next meal is to come from...for I have more than enough in front of me. I have no struggle as to fresh water, or medical care, or even friends and family....for I also have all this in abundance. It is so weird to think that just a week ago I was concerned about filling up my new apartment with just the right items, or just the right stuff....ignoring the blaring-ly obvious signals and signs right in front of me. The love and safety; the rest and peace; the joy and assurance I have in Christ's death and resurrection is more than enough. My identity is not a job, its not a position, or a qualification. My identity isnt even my accomplishments, or the companion beside me (if and when God allows for a Christ-defining relationship). I got so distracted from the syntax of my life to say that as long as Christ was in the center of my life, relationships, or jobs then it didnt matter how big the part was. Christ needs to DEFINE who I am and what i put into my life and my jobs. Instead of seeing a relationship that has Christ as the glue, have the relationship be the splitting image of Christ. Not to put it as the center of the time together but to have it as the time together. To pray without ceasing doesnt mean to pray at the beginning, middle, and end of the day....it means to NEVER STOP PRAYING. To have Christ only be in my job when I am facing an ethical dilemma would be to exclude Him from so much of who I am and what I am trying to accomplish for Him. If I truly follow Colossians 3:23 then I should be heavenly minded throughout my day and in all work that I accomplish for Him who gives me strength. I should be looking at my places of influence, my positions, my areas of my life where I can truly make a difference, and use them to be Christ in those ways. I have nothing to fear for God will vindicate me in this world and be with me always, even if my actions in the world truly lead me homeless or even to the next.
Back in my sophomore and junior years of high school I was starting to learn about what did it mean to be defined by who God was in my life. I was beginning to learn from an Erwin McManus book called "Uprising" where it talks about how every man is on a journey to discover the passion that God has put in each of our hearts. Its not about worldly accomplishments but it is about getting to know the heart of the Father and the heart that He has uniquely placed in each of us. It is about trusting in Him to make all the pieces work together and teaching us the opportunities that lie ahead are meant to be taken grasp of with God's help. I forgot all the lessons that I learned from that book over the past 6-7 years and I shouldn't have. The fact that my identity was so backwards and away from God, forced me to sacrifice so many God-given opportunities and to squander many of my blessings. God calls me and each of us to not be defined as a Christian, which has come to mean so many things today from attending on Easter and Christmas to punching your ticket every Sunday before going to the bar to watch a sports game. Our day of rest has turned into a day or even a week of debauchery. I am as guilty as everyone else if not more. I have sinned in every way imaginable on Sundays as well as every other day of the week. My defining characteristics in God were of trying my best and not caring if it didnt work out in the end. My joy did not come from Him alone but by whatever the world told me I should be encouraged by. My old Adam had crawled its way back into my life such that ethics, morals, and priorities didnt match up with what my heart's true desire was. My life seemed so empty and off-kilter because it was. My balancing act was more like a deadly tight-rope performance than an actual rest in my Father's arms. But I have fallen and I have been caught by God. It took pain, it took humility, and it took a resetting of my heart's priorities...but now I can know that I literally have nothing now but God. I am alone with Him (especially since I just found out I wont have my move items till the 12th day of my 2-12 day moving spread). My joy is joy from Him. My love is flowing from His side. And my peace is that of His Spirit engulfing me and penetrating the weakest parts of who I am to expose them to the solidifying fire of the Lord's trials such that they may be refined and hardened in love through Grace.
It excites me to see where God is leading me next, or what friends I might meet along the way, or who God might strengthen my friendships with. I recently heard the quote that "Love is friendship on fire" which apparently is an older english quote from a while back but if that is true, then the only way for that fire to ignite (not even necessarily within a dating or marriage relationship) is for God to set it that way. For the fire that purifies and consumes everything is only from God. The fire that burns away the bad, useless items to leave only that which shimmers in God's eyes is what matters. And it is exciting to see what the next stage in my life will be, and what next God will set on fire now that He has started with my heart.
A quote from C.S. Lewis:
"Now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."
Another quote inspired by God:
Luke 12:13-53
Sunday, June 14, 2009
I pray this isnt me someday
I really like PostSecret ever since I was in high school when my friend Andy showed it to me. I have no idea where this one came from but it is kinda cool and apparently it has the Cincinnati skyline.
I am excited and scared at the same to move down to Cincy and start my new job with Procter and Gamble. I just dont want to live with any regrets. Regrets about what I didnt do today, what I should've done yesterday, or what I couldnt do tomorrow. I want my life to be within God's plan...and I want happiness. I dont want to live a life that is easy, but I desire so greatly the joy of the Lord. To fight away a world of depression for a God of love. To escape a world of lies for a world of integrity. A world where truth and shared experiences with the Father and with those I love is what truly motivates me. A life that isnt about pain and loneliness and wishing things differently. I want a life, a world of availability....yes of second changes, of reconciliation and renewal...but of a willingness to change from the inside out and to see that in others. An openness to new experiences that might seem familiar but are still new and exciting. I already worked at Motorola, I am sure that my Procter and Gamble experience will be similar but at the same time totally new. I already moved to a new city that I didnt know anyone in, and it worked out great being all alone anyway. Why wouldnt the same new experience work out just as great. My only fear is that my greatest flaw, my perpetual thorn that I really have only detested for the past month and a half, my lack of interpersonal dependence will somehow leave me how it did in Chicago. One of my friend's visited me in Chicago last fourth of July. It was really sweet to see him and really encouraging, but without certain people in my life he said that I changed. I long for change in the world and in myself. But I had lost the best part of myself for those 10 weeks that I was different prior to that. That I had no passion, was angry, and was really just weak. I dont want to have that same regret again. I feel myself slipping there more and more each day. I dont want my heart to harden toward parts of the world but it seems like it is the only way to deal with some things. I dont want to experience pain but it seems like the only way to avoid it. My relationship with God is the best it has been in a long time but it seems like I am losing myself. That I am in a routine, that my passion is gone, that in the near future I will have regrets. That in the end it will end up in a lie like in Chicago. It will end up will a shell of emptiness that no one can see but God.
Post Secret
But at the same time I hope that this IS me someday...today!
Getting There - My Utmost for His Highest
I am excited and scared at the same to move down to Cincy and start my new job with Procter and Gamble. I just dont want to live with any regrets. Regrets about what I didnt do today, what I should've done yesterday, or what I couldnt do tomorrow. I want my life to be within God's plan...and I want happiness. I dont want to live a life that is easy, but I desire so greatly the joy of the Lord. To fight away a world of depression for a God of love. To escape a world of lies for a world of integrity. A world where truth and shared experiences with the Father and with those I love is what truly motivates me. A life that isnt about pain and loneliness and wishing things differently. I want a life, a world of availability....yes of second changes, of reconciliation and renewal...but of a willingness to change from the inside out and to see that in others. An openness to new experiences that might seem familiar but are still new and exciting. I already worked at Motorola, I am sure that my Procter and Gamble experience will be similar but at the same time totally new. I already moved to a new city that I didnt know anyone in, and it worked out great being all alone anyway. Why wouldnt the same new experience work out just as great. My only fear is that my greatest flaw, my perpetual thorn that I really have only detested for the past month and a half, my lack of interpersonal dependence will somehow leave me how it did in Chicago. One of my friend's visited me in Chicago last fourth of July. It was really sweet to see him and really encouraging, but without certain people in my life he said that I changed. I long for change in the world and in myself. But I had lost the best part of myself for those 10 weeks that I was different prior to that. That I had no passion, was angry, and was really just weak. I dont want to have that same regret again. I feel myself slipping there more and more each day. I dont want my heart to harden toward parts of the world but it seems like it is the only way to deal with some things. I dont want to experience pain but it seems like the only way to avoid it. My relationship with God is the best it has been in a long time but it seems like I am losing myself. That I am in a routine, that my passion is gone, that in the near future I will have regrets. That in the end it will end up in a lie like in Chicago. It will end up will a shell of emptiness that no one can see but God.
Post Secret
But at the same time I hope that this IS me someday...today!
Getting There - My Utmost for His Highest
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